What I'm Thinking Today

What's it all about?

2011-10-09T13:26:00.003-04:00

There has been a lot of criticism of the Occupy Wall Street movement, much of which centers on the supposed lack of a clear message. It's not that the message isn't clear, it's that there are is a long list of grievances and unless the sources reporting take the time to hear many of these, they will remain ignorant. Of course, considering those "reporting" are in America, they're either completely stupid or just plain lying if they say they don't know what this is about. In fact, I think you'd have to be from another planet to not know what this is about. I am not a politically or economically-minded person. The intricacies of this mess are a blur to me but the big picture is that our country has been robbed and the whole world is suffering.

My personal complaints in relation to the Occupation:

* Working too many hours for too little compensation.
* Working full time with no health-care.
* The fact that higher is out of reach education due to the cost and lack of promise in the job market.

But also:

* The difference in percentage of income paid as taxes by the ultra-rich over the past 30-50 years.
* Millions of Americans lost their savings, retirements, homes, and got no compensation.
* Those who were at fault for the losses got a "bailout", (because they run on our money), but not a cent was returned to the people who actually lost everything. Not a single person went to jail.
* Students graduating college can't find jobs in the field they studied for, and if they can they don't pay enough to live, let alone pay back their enormous student loan debt.
* Millions of Americans have no health insurance. Of those who do, most have to pay large co-pays and pay for many things that aren't "covered". Health "care" is an industry, aimed more at "treating" dis-ease than preventing or maintaining health or curing anything. Big Pharm. is an evil industry.
* The 1% (top wealthiest) greed has infested everything, causing us to relentlessly pursue our planet's natural resources and use forms of energy that are ecologically toxic.
* We've been brainwashed into consumerism and have lost much arcane knowledge, we need to regain more power over our own well-being.
* Our food is tainted, the government has allowed the modification not only of prepared packaged food-type products, but also of your basic tomato. It's getting difficult to get clean seeds. There are far too many money-makers in our food system, putting pressure on farmers and exponentially over-charging consumers.
* Our politicians, (and, therefore, our policies), are insistently influenced by large corporations with designs on wringing every cent out of the world while polluting at their leisure.
* The "two"-party system isn't working anymore. The super-rich should be taxed properly and out of that more reasonable tax-pool, each individual who is elected by any party should be given the same (reasonable) amount for campaigning and time in televised debate or, better, just making statements and taking honest questions.
* Voting should matter. There should be no electoral college. One person, one vote. Period.
* And we should be able to vote on EVERYTHING. We should not be at the mercy of congress sweeping in mid-term and abolishing our new, shiny health-care reform.
* Every American citizen, (I believe every human being but I have to start where I am), should have health care, a college education, decent primary schooling that is not based on standardized testing, a home that's made of healthy, natural materials and is affordable, work that pays a high enough wage to pay bills and enjoy life, fewer weekly hours worked and more time off, healthy, clean food that isn't "genetically modified" or made of chemicals...
* We need to be more local. I'm against sending work over-seas but for a somewhat different reason than some. I do want things I buy to be made here, as near to me as possible so that the transport of goods does less damage. I also want these nasty corporations to stop setting up sweat shops in other countries, paying people disgustingly nominal wages to work in brutal conditions so that I can have some cool stuff at the Target dollar-spot. If we stop all of that, if we bring our work home and take our money back, stop warring all over the place, we could go to these countries and help because our own country would be functional.
* We don't want to be at war anymore. Bring our soldiers home. That's a lot of people who could work at designing and building clean, sustainable power sources.
* There is a lot of work to be done in this country. There are a lot of jobs to do. We just need the money to pay for them.
* We're not alone. The reason we've sat in American and watched as Egypt and Libya and Greece and so many other places erupted is that it's been almost-tolerable for so long. Not only do we have a lot of conveniences here, we've also been taken with the idea that we're somehow in a bubble, that the things the rest of the world has to deal with don't affect us. "Well, sure glad we don't have any evil dictators here in these great states!" Unless you really stop and think about it. Or if they get really greedy and just decide to pull a mighty heist right before everyone's eyes. Like they did. It took us three years of stewing over that to get to where we are today. We're standing up for ourselves, and we're standing up with the rest of the world. We've finally said, "We're with you! We're not going to take it anymore, either! We're with you!". I'm really glad to be here, watching and cheering and, soon, marching with the whole world.

It's about taking it back!

Wall Street is Occupied

2011-10-07T22:16:00.000-04:00

It's happening! The revolution we've needed, the one I've felt brewing under the surface of our society, has finally begun!  There are thousands of people filling Wall Street in New York City, speaking for the millions of Americans who are finally fed up. We're tired of struggling, of outrageous student debt, jobs that don't pay enough to live, being scammed out of our savings... We're tired of the top 1% holding so much wealth while their special interest groups lobby with their almighty dollars to make changes to our system that hurt the other 99%. Our schools are horrible, taxes are all out of proportion, the cost of living has increased much more quickly than wages, and our government is doing nothing to protect us. They're totally fed by and beholden to these big corporations who are running our country into the ground.

I've never paid a lot of attention to politics or finance.  Over the past few years I've tried to learn more about what's going on and it's completely crazy. I understand why I didn't want to know. We've been conditioned to look the other way. We're mollified by T.V. and movies, video games and various other distractions. We're pitted against one another by "issues" that don't interfere with the corporate agenda. I feel this fresh air blowing across the country. We've finally woken up. There are finally enough of us who don't want to look away anymore. We want things to be better.

The fact that this is happening in America is very important. I have no crazy ideas that America is still the most "powerful" country, and certainly not the most wealthy, but we are the most watched. I wish it wasn't that way but even if you look at the entertainment industry, someone can be wildly famous elsewhere and utterly unknown here, while most big American names are known in many other countries. Who in America had heard of Alanis Morissette before "Jagged Little Pill"? And she had two huge albums just north of the border.  Unfortunately, for a long time, we've also been one of the least politically active societies.

We're supposed to be the leaders of democracy. I feel we, the people of the United States, have an obligation to the rest of the world to hold our government accountable. We have freedoms that others don't.  So many people have risked so much the world over to rise up against corrupt systems. We have it easy here, in a lot of ways, and that's been one of the problems. We're finally outraged at ourselves. We realize we have the power to change things and we're done being complacent. Our forefathers sent us a lovely statement about what to do in times such as these. :

"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation."

(We should say why we're pissed.)

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."

(We all know that part, right?)

"That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."

(We, the People, are in charge.)

"Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their further security."

(People will put up with a lot of shit but at a certain point, enough is enough.)

My new favorite document is the Declaration of Independence.

It's time. Enough is certainly enough. There are a lot of things wrong with this country and with the world. People everywhere are taking steps, brave steps, to create change. I'm buoyed by this. Those people down on Wall Street, and the others all over the country in support, and all over the world in similar battles, they're hope incarnate. These people are heros, they're our voices and our outrage, they're pursuing justice for millions. God and Goddess bless them and protect them!

Pub Prologue

2011-09-09T00:00:00.000-04:00

Would you like a round of rollicking wit?
Or to hear of Nature's succulent tit?
A tale of two lovers, star-crossed and horny?
A knight lost and stuck in a mire deep and thorny?
A kind old and rich, half-dead on his throne?
A princess made maiden without any home?
A dog and a man who danced for their bread?
Something to tickle as you numb our head?
Shall it be twisted like labyrinth’s gait?
Keep you on edge of your seat and breath-bate?
Stories of gods, the old or the new?
Something about me? Something about you?
Something well-known, familiar, and rusty?
Or something bawdy, bodaciously lusty?
Something to color your dreams tonight?
Or to keep you up turning over with fright?
A tale of a barnyard and what's done out back?
Or of traveling man with mysterious sack?
Shall it be magical, whimsical, Faye?
Or heavy as pondering your dying day?
A story of olde handed down mouth to ear?
Or one I just wrote, this very year?
Do you want royalty, high on their- selves?
Otherworldly places scattered with elves?
Pipers and rodents are overly-done.
Shout out a brand new idea just for fun!

The Michigan Renaissance Festival is in full swing right now and I won't be attending this year but I think it inspired this!

How to Not Let the World Drive You Crazy (if you're me)

2011-08-11T01:26:00.002-04:00

For my 100th blog, I thought it appropriate that I actually show up and write a blog, (rather than just post some poetry). The obvious topic: Why haven't I been blogging? Ok, gather 'round girls and boys and we'll work this one out.

I think the main thing that has kept me away has been the things I've been thinking of. They don't have any simple solutions or plausible explanations. I can't find that Pollyanna spin for any of it. I suppose it boils down to shock and awe at the state of the world. The problem with that... ok, I can't even begin to breathe on a whisper of a hint of the problems with that. But the problem with me thinking of it is that it is without solution. That is, as long as we look at the big picture. And I've written about this before so I know this already. When you stand too close and look at the details, when you try to work it all out and make some sense of it, when you try to see what's really going on behind what we're told, you feel very, very small. And that's no way to ignite a revolutionary state of mind, or to promote any sort of hope at all. What a person has to keep in mind is that the world is absolutely, incurably, undeniably, sickeningly, and dangerously insane. And it's not our fault. Well, that is, it's not our fault- individually. But the point is that we're not meant to try and affect that mess. We're not supposed to be out to slay that wind-mill. We're each here about our own individual business and that can get lost in a heartbeat as loud as this world can be.

Ah, there's the thing that does me in- the roar of the world. It comes in so many voices. It's the T.V. I stopped watching, the horrors that are happening even though I'm not looking, political opining, so many -ism's, so much abuse and cruelty. It's just a big, loud world out there and it can rub a person raw just to know about it. My reaction to that is to retreat till the scabs heal. I'm really glad to say that I've learned a lot in this quiet time. Rather than dwelling deep within anything, I've simply been staying really close to myself. I've watched my responses and thought about how certain things affect me and why my responses might be so different from those of the people around me. People are fascinating people. We can have so much in common and yet such different ways of being. One of the most important things I've started to, (finally), realize is that sometimes people just don't understand. I think I forget about how unique we all are and expect that other people can understand why I might deal with something in a certain way, or even an opinion I might have. Something in that "wanting to please" part trys to tell me that if someone else can't comprehend what I'm going through, I must be doing something wrong. I forget that it's me who's going through the thing. Of course someone else would do something differently, they're not me! I can see where you might be getting bored right about now, what is this, Sesame Street Self Help? But bear with me, this is ground breaking stuff for this girl.

So I've rather sloppily established two things so far. 1. Don't worry about the world. Have compassion but don't let that drain passion. 2. Don't worry when they don't get it. They never will and it won't ever matter.
Well, that feels better. Now I have to add something I, (mercifully), learned a long time ago. 3. Laugh at yourself!

I can not stress the importance of number three. I would make it number one but if you skip one and two you won't be laughing at anything anyway. I think I may have a mild form of what Big Pharm likes to call social anxiety. What that really means is I'm shy. And I, (as I believe we've covered), think too much of the opinions of others and, for some reason, really want to be understood. Again, I can not stress the importance of number three. I have had some awkward moments and uncomfortable situations that might have literally killed me of embarrassment in my teens. (Yes, I understand the word. I actually believe I might have died of heart failure or brain aneurysm in any of several situations in my life had I not learned the ability to laugh at myself.) I would really like to announce my retirement from the habit of occasional dorkiness and doing things others find strange but it would be short lived. Besides, trying or not, I'm one of the funniest people I know.

4. Have good friends. This is a tough one. I am a very lucky person in that I have some very dear friends who have become a family to me. I've retreated from them in a lot of ways too but the retreat is something I'm willing to retire from. I think I just take in so much from so many directions and I haven't learned to filter it properly so at some point I just start to hide from everything. Again, this is a thing a lot of people don't understand but knowing that, I can try to at least explain the need. I feel like I've made so many gains. I know that I tend toward depression in the winter and that was surely an issue in that season but my desire to spend a lot of time alone outlasted depression. I started to understand what that time is for. I need to make a conscious effort to sit with myself and process what I've been through in the day or week. It's a nasty habit of this culture to plow ahead through each dayweekmonthyear without really slowing down to say, "How do I feel in this moment?". So, I need to ask myself how I feel in this moment and then pick up the damn phone and call someone to talk about it. I also really want to get more comfortable processing these things with my friends, rather than brooding over them alone.

5. Write. Writing has been my anchor at every turn and for so long in my life. It's what happens as a result of my life. It's the safest way to figure something out. My other favorite pressure valve is singing. Sometimes I don't have any words for a thing but a ton of emotion. If I'm excited or angry or overwhelmed, I'll put on some music I like and belt out a few songs, it helps push the excess energy out. Also, sometimes if I'm feeling lazy I can sing and get energy, too. It helps I live in a house so I'm not driving neighbors crazy. So maybe number five should officially be 5. Find things that make you happy and do them. Or, to be more specific, learn what soothes you. Having outlets and hobbies and interests is an essential way to nurture the soul. It's these things and our connections with others that really make our lives.

This feels like another really disorganized post but it also felt like a good write. I'd like to recap:

How to not let the world drive you crazy if you're me:

1. Don't worry over the world's details.

2. Don't worry what they think.

3. Laugh at yourself!!

4. Have amazing friends.

5. Do what you love and what nurtures you, (even hiding away sometimes).

Wow, that's doable. See, I should have just blogged a long time ago, I would have figured it all out. :) Not really, its a process. That is, it's all part of the show, folks.

The gods are inconsolable.

2011-08-08T00:29:00.000-04:00

(excerpt from a work in progress)

I'm watching this new Trickster god
and he says, "Look over here!", but I don't
as he pulls a paper flower of politic
out of his ass
and even Loki and Anansi
shudder to see
what the other hand is up to.

Can you find the poem within the poem?

2011-07-20T00:14:00.000-04:00

One at a time, please

One at a time

I'm a one on one kinda

girl

or maybe two or three

but put me in a room full and

what a mess I feel

Too many

faces voices conversations

emotions intentions states of being

too much information to

gather

in anything that looks like sense

And I may make for a corner

to scope out the scene

try to make invisible and observe

stand back and see more clearly

in a place of some sort of

peace

and somewhere that feels

safe and out of the way

and not in the middle

and not having to think

of something

say when you don't

have any idea what people

are talking about

and you really want to

sit down and

figure it all out with

yourself.

battlefield

2011-07-14T18:11:00.001-04:00

battlefield

my sisters are a battlefield
broken war-torn territories
ravaged by misunderstanding
raped with neglect
shot in the back by subservience
and our tender off-shoots
our sweet rows of makings
we do our best to tend with open loving hearts
knowing still that we bring them into a world
that makes war against itself
makes war within ourselves
makes war out of and into everything crawling upon it
so that what we do our best to grow
has still to contend with blood-soaked soil
with the bones of some like them
with skeletons others think we don't see
and we,my sisters and me, we're battlefields
walking around in shells that a less and less covert war
is being waged against
walking around in shells that are somehow not right
somehow not powerful
or not given trust
when what's true, more true than any of this,
is that what lay within us,
we, the sisters of the earth,
is the only living solution to all this death
our freedom is the freedom of all
it's the freedom of women
and it's the freedom of children
and of animals
and even of men
because as it may seem the white men are ruling this world
what's really come to pass is that their world
is ruling us all
and though we lay beneath their feet
there is yet a heavy weight on them
having used such strength to hold back our Amazons
they now falter
they now fail
again and again they fail us
with their “ideas” and “plans” and “proposals”
because not one single time in any proposal put forth
can you find the word love
or the idea of freedom for all
the idea of borderlessness
the idea of differentlessness
they simply can not see
the whole within the one
they need us to show that to them
but they've long since stopped listening to our talk
if we want them to listen
we have to talk man talk
and man talk has no translation for
the good of all
it has no understanding of
the end of all wars for good
it doesn't include the concepts of
living sustainably, communally
because this is what we all need
we need our sisters to help hold us up
it gets tired, walking as a battlefield

Bridges

2011-07-11T12:21:00.002-04:00

Bridges

We seem to be busy with the business of
throwing all our cards on the table
face up, of course
mostly hearts, a few clubs, a couple diamonds
and they're all spades because
we call things what they are
and there are a lot of them
enough to build a house I think
or I think
we could build a city an Empire!
complete with sewers and skyscrapers
with Japanese bridges and Georgian hotels
with stop signs and churches with parking lots
with laser light shows and skies full of stars
with seasons that swing one to the next
into years of how have you been

But I've seen these cards before
and the cities they can create
I've seen them balanced-ish
piled up lavish and extravagant
I've seen them
make into fantastical, impossible shapes of wonder and magic and awe
so many empires forged
by the hands we've played
and, like any game, these cities have ended
towers felled and bridges torn (though never burned)
temples tumbled and roads akimbo
trees uprooted and clouds collapsed
not carefully put away but
turned to simply cards now
splayed on a dusty table, sticky with
after party and two empty bottles of Boone's Farm
in the back corner of a room
that no one ever goes in to anymore

Or, at least it seems that way
I think sometimes I
dream there
little snippets of places
I'm sure we made before
and it falls out into my journal
from time to time
till I start to wonder if there aren't little trolls
building bridges back and forth from
your deck to mine

Or, maybe it's just that someone left the door open
because we seem to have found our way back to that game again
now standing, a bit awkward by the table,
as we always are at first
and when it's been so long
'do you remember how to play?
or which deck is whose?
or how we made that one cool thing, you remember...
yea...'

and the city starts to build itself again
empirical regeneration takes place
ripples the table into asphalt undulation
almost without our attention a new
but familiar cityscape is constructed
and we, duly deposited in the middle

So we find ourselves here,
in this new place
made of old spaces
and it must be time to talk strategy
but I look over at you and I'm wondering
how to strategize my way out of the game
I no longer wish to rule an empire of play
and I notice you haven't picked up your deck yet either
and we're a little nervous standing
in this city we're supposed to be building
a city of this-is-what-this-looks-like
and I decide to walk away from the table

You ask me where I'm going and I tell you
I'm looking for the last bridge out
of this city
back into the world
and I walk away without asking
whether or not you're coming with me.

Relay for Life 2011

2011-06-19T03:10:00.000-04:00

Last year I watched the Relay for Life from my backyard and was inspired to write a poem that I shared here. The event is happening as I write this and earlier I decided to walk over to the park with my daughter and hand out a few copies of the poem, I suppose in gratitude for all they do. I looked around for the main tent for the event and was being shown who to speak with when a woman walked up and asked, "You're the poet, you wrote that?". At first I wasn't sure we were talking about the same thing. How did she know about the poem the I had just walked over to share? Because I posted it here, she found it and they had planned to read it at the luminaria ceremony. They asked if I would read it and I almost chickened out, to tell you the truth. But then I said I would do it and I'm so glad I did. It was wonderful to offer support and gratitude in that way and a great experience.

So! In honor of that wonderful annual Ypsilanti event (and all the others) and every person walking around the park behind my house right now and every person sleeping there because they've walked themselves tired, and everyone involved in, supported by, remembered by, and blessed by that event, I'd like to re-post that poem.

Just Before Midnight

Amid the song of a soulful night bird
and the scent of a damp, happy willow
across the sound of the Huron gliding by
I watch

On a path encircling the park
surrounded by luminaria
they walk

They walk for their family,
their friends, themselves
for memory and the chance of anticipation,
for dreams cut short and those made possible

The path beneath their feet,
on any other day like any other path
is, for this time, a sacred space of healing and unity
it's a circle of community
of shared grief and triumph
of support and understanding
of true empathy

This walk is for warriors
these are people who live life up-close
and with eyes wide open
because they know how fleeting a gift this is
and how graciously given

These are warriors of grace and vulnerability
who know what it means to love ferociously
the strength that takes, and that which it gives
They have come here through moments
of intense contemplation, through new
rearranged priorities, with changed
worldviews, and open hearts

They bring colorful tents and coolers
are served midnight pizza
have music to move them along
but my favorite is the laughter-
that audible evidence of joy
shared one to another

These warriors come here as
humanity at its best
they come to do for others
to raise awareness and give voice to the silent
to celebrate life, having learned what that really means

They come with faith in themselves
and in one another
because they know they can make a difference
and they do.

Con Pluma en Mano

2011-05-31T22:44:00.000-04:00

Con pluma en mano

The Muse wants your meat
she wants you heart and soul on a platter
over and again every day
she cares not if you're driving or working or trying to sleep
she strikes on her own time in her own moments

she often sends little trinkets
shiny junk for journals to collect
and if you don't, if you refuse these gifts
she takes away your meat
takes the big thoughts little by little
striking indifferent matches to
ideas before they become words

summoning her only makes her grin
but she'll pounce when least expected
insisting words, sounds and silences
creating the compulsion of pen on paper
or fingers on keys striking mercilessly
till her tide abates and she's appeased

she has favorite places
spots to sit that tend to host her visits
she likes the outdoors
and while she can't be commanded into presence
she takes kindly to those
who make special arrangements for her
who honor her with simple ritual
and wait, patiently open
with pen in hand

What to Call You

2011-05-20T22:55:00.000-04:00

A poem I wrote last winter. Maybe more to come.

Thinking of your name and how it can feel
surprisingly strange in my mouth like
not what it's meant to mean and how
we so seldom used those words
to each other but I see your name
a lot of authors named that, you know
and I work in a library
(hi, nice to meet you)
and I see your – that word – I see that word
and if I let it, it brings me your eyes
it brings a little reluctant smile
a warm softening born in an old moment
it can bring your touch, so much gentle comfort
and a giggle, in how it's never quite fit

I'd have to leave this language
to try and put some sounds to you
maybe en Español, mi compañero
but I think even there it will become a poem
there's no one word in any single language
if Time could talk, we'd work something out
and Light waves describe how they inform experience
through the twice upside-downed eyes
and Scent explain how my nose knows
what you've touched and not touched
and my Skin explain what comes through
so that when we touch you go straight to my bones
and if Memory could collaborate to collect the colors
of all the pieces of time we've shared
and if Energy were given voice and the inclination to testify
to how it's gathered between our bodies

if Atoms had voices
or the Universe could sing
maybe I could find a way
but for now I'll just call you
hey, how've you been?

Stopping By

2011-05-10T21:11:00.000-04:00

I really had every intention of sharing poetry last month and when I looked at what I'd written over the winter, there wasn't much I wanted to share. I also want to commit to blogging regularly again but for now I'll have to settle for stopping by once in a while.

I hate to come here to complain but I'm having one of those micro/macro-cosmic angst kind of days. I tend to let stress build up and then experience it all at once. It's always mostly money. I have to wonder what I'm doing working a full day every week just to pay for gas to get to and from work for the week. Then I wonder why billions of people are starving while America is full of dumpster pizza. The prevailing injustice of this world makes my mind swim. I truly can't grasp it, I can't believe it's this way. My inner idealist is sure it doesn't have to be so.

This is probably a "syndrome" and there's probably a pill I could take. I'll call it WTFS, What The Fuck Syndrome. In honor of my new neurosis and in the hopes of spreading it, I'm sharing a poem I haven't posted on this blog. I wrote it last year and it's one of my favorite.

Clamor

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen and
Welcome to the Church of What the Fuck is Going On?

There are so many directions to place blame
Patriarchy. Corporate Greed. The MEDIA. Technology. Bad Government. Complacent Society.

we didn't know any better
there were so many flashing lights
and signs and voices
“Look right this way!”
and so many moving parts
and radio waves
and digital ate analog like the way
video tried to kill the radio star
multinational multimedia channel channel channel shop! on line on T.V. by phone
for non stick hi-tech hi-def plastic remote control motion sensor
sensor sensory
sensory input
input
in put
what are we putting in?
is this stuff filling you up?

I'm stuffed!
I can't take any more of this
junk-food for the brain
high-fructose information
this saccharine distraction
layer after sticky layer
in conveniently disposable packaging
or beamed straight into your brain
only 49.95 a month

it's every new sensation
competing with so many 15 minutes
crammed between increasingly inane human antics
followed by what they call the “news”
this veil they hang meant to convince me
that this is all there is, or ever could be
constant daily rhythm of
get up go to work go home eat zone out go to bed repeat
no wonder we're numb

they're pick-pocketing our freedoms
insisting it's for our own good
rewriting history to take away truth
back room deals and
out-right theft
tarnished elections and
toxic incorporated
paparazzi exposing personal privacies
while government corruption goes untold

It's all such a spectacle, disparate but sparkly
disorienting reminding me of the Land of Oz
and we could all use a little more courage,
a little more heart, a clear mind to think,
and the knowledge that our homes are our homes
but without those we keep moving,
perpetuating the system we seem to be stuck in
keeping heads down, arms and legs inside the vehicle
with lemming-like devotion
to our own degradation

And when we walk out of step,
when we stop and look around
when we start to think on our own
we're labeled disloyal, unpatriotic, crazy
If we start to raise some eyebrows,
that voice always comes along
to remind us The Show must go on
and to take our seats and please,
pay no mind to that man behind the curtain.

Happy National Poetry Month!

2011-04-01T22:31:00.000-04:00

Last year during the month of April I posted a bunch of poems. That may be a good way for me to get back into the habit of blogging. I recently fell in love with the work of Nikki Giovanni, spent the winter reading her. I wrote this about her in January.

to Nikki

Woman, you are a Priestess of poetry,
bringing us the talk of God
in the voice of the Goddess
like it should fall in a woman's ears
and if Heaven thought to talk
of mortal life and love
of the doings and goings on
of we little humans
way down here

A Poetry Reading!

2011-03-31T12:30:00.000-04:00

I read at a poetry reading in Ypsi. on Monday. Some of this stuff is already here but this is what I read:

At the Washtenaw Coin Laundry

I love this town and all its colors
so many shades of black and brown and tan
on skins and eyes and hair and hands
accents that come from I know not where
languages lilting lyrical lullabies
myriad mantras
so many gods all one
All One
cultures not clashing
not shocking me
only calling to my eyes and ears
with whispers of lands I'll never see
secrets of souls
swishes of fabric and whiffs of oil
spices speak sustenance
words awaken wonder
music exciting in mixed-up modes
drifts from windows where
kitchens sit with laden bread
always a table to be filled with old places
aromas abundant call back in time
ancestral answers gifting with grace
a smile touching eyes
gives me welcome without words
human-ness beyond language
beyond any perception
of not-like-me

Sovereign

She walks out freshly into her
own world, that of her making
virtuously attuned to its every breath
ever entwined, ever open
receptive to the ebb and flow of
each cycle as it passes
intuitively present with every moment
giving graciously all the gifts of herself
never failing to abide by her heart

maybe I should eat

I need some more words
I think I'll have to start
eating dictionaries
because I can't seem to come up with
enough words
or the right ones to
mean what i'm saying like
how I love the word mobius
and I know what it is
and what it looks like but
sometimes I use it when
I mean something else and so
maybe i'll have to
eat up some geometry books too
to try to find a better shape
to metaphor with
and sometimes singing
even in words that have nothing to do with it
seems to get out or get across
what i'm feelin at the time
in the most direct, most satisfying way
so maybe I should eat some cds
or music books or my violin
and when it starts to become
too surreal like
life has gone
quite strange
maybe I should start eating
some of the old and true
fairy tales
warning us of how twisted
and mistakenly lovely
life can be

shrug

nothing ever touches anything else

not really

but right now

our electrons are

powerless

to repel one another

because you've invaded

you have entered

you've been invited into

the space that my body occupies

i sigh

i smile

physics shrugs

T A L K

I don't want a lecture from longview
I don't want to pant in pantomime
I don't want crazy accusations
based on incorrect equations
or conversations leading to
conflict or kamikaze questions
I don't want expressions that come so loudly
but without any truth behind
I don't want tangled opinions
poisoning what I'm pondering
I don't want auctioneering inauthentic audio
I don't want to dilute my language
I don't want closed-minded opinions
or discouraging dissuasion
I don't want to deal with drama
I don't want pompous pretension
I don't want judgment jumped-to unjustly
I don't want to mourn mortifying misunderstandings
I don't want to navigate needless negativity
I don't want side-long glanced suspicion
I don't want mistrust in advance
I don't want base, boorish behavior
I don't want tormenting or taunting
or shameful fingers shaken
I don't want the volume of violent voices
I don't want fists standing in for sentences
I don't want unsolicited advice
I don't want decisions made for anyone
I don't want labels obscuring people
I don't want anyone's nature negated
I don't want time taken toiling in talk of tedium
I want to hear something real
I want safety in honest exchange
I want courtesy to be common
I want Universally open minds
I want constant, complicit, compassion
I want recognition of our similarity
and reverence for our differences
I don't want there to be sides

Now, if you still can,
talk with me

and some bits

They say we carry the weight of the world

on our shoulders

but I know that's men talking

cause I carry that weight

on my hips

and they sure are sore lately.

They took away the beautiful figure of the truly feminine and injected her, instead, with saline, collagen, silicone, even extra fat, all trying to attain some mythic concept of beauty in a culture that so disbelieves in myth that they can't even get the moral of that story...

Remember Pollyanna?

2011-02-10T12:03:00.002-05:00

Michigan winter really takes a toll on me. February 2nd was Imbolc, a day that signifies the Wheel of the Year turning closer to Spring! I was blessed with a day off work due to the snow and found it extremely relaxing and restoring. I think over the past decade of learning, (if not always celebrating), the Pagan holidays, I've started to become attuned to the seasons and the passage of time. Maybe it's romanticism, but what a great thing to have in spirituality!

Whatever the cause, I do feel a bit more light, like Pollyanna's waking back up. I think I'll ask life to try and schedule more difficult issues in warmer months. Every year I feel tired and am easily depressed in the winter. This year I've started to wonder about a new theory of depression, at least for me. I think it's a kind of forgetting. Like something inside slows down and I just start to forget how to go about my day. I forget that when I'm having anxiety and difficulty dealing with a crowded store, my almost-smile is my best defense. It keeps me feeling warm and safe and reminds me to slow down, and stops me from shining a scowl at everyone who looks my way. I forget about laughter and what great medicine it is. I think I sometimes even forget how much I love everything and everyone. I forget, again and again, how much better I feel after spending time with friends.

I think that may be the most important thing to remember. I want to hibernate all winter, leaving the house only for work and necessary shopping. Ok, I don't even want to go to work, but you get the point. I don't want to drag myself out into the cold and wind. My feet get wet sometimes or the bottoms of my pants. And it's COLD! I don't like the cold! But then I get over it and go, because I know it's good for me and will make me feel better.

Last Friday was my birthday and I went to Hill Auditorium in Ann Arbor and watched free music with my daughter and some friends, then went to a friend's house for coffee, cake and wine. It was wonderful! I went to my mom's Sunday for dinner. Then Monday I went and visited another friend and had delicious dinner and lots of fun, and Tuesday was Witches Night Out so that was a ton of fun. (I'm just realizing that I ate at all these events. Coincidence that I had such a good time?)

Between the year moving along and dragging myself out to have a good time, I'm finally feeling better. I think I wasn't doing as well as I assumed with winter when I got that medical news and, coupled with the terrible way the information was delivered, it caused me to blow a fuse. I really think I've been in a fog or in shock the past four weeks or so. So I'm peeking out into the world now, remembering how I wanted to blog a lot this winter. Really, remembering a lot of things I wanted to do this winter and I'm honestly not sure what I've done but that almost none of what I set out to do is done. But winter's not over- only almost, and that's a good thing.

I'm doing my best to welcome Polly back from her slumber. Maybe she's been hanging with Persephone for a while? Whatever, I need her and I'm feeling almost able. I want to jump up and feel exuberant and shiny and excited again soon!! I have great gratitude for all my friends, I couldn't make it through this season alone.

HELP!

2011-02-01T12:35:00.003-05:00

They say that God never gives us more than we can handle. They are full of shit. If that were true, there would be no suicide. If that were true, there would be no such thing as a desperate act. If that were true, none of us would need any help, and we do. We all need a lot of help in our lives- so much more than most of us are willing to admit.

I saw this within myself first- struggling and struggling and even denying the need for help when it's offered. Then I started to notice the weight of others around me. I think about what life asks of some people and how little support some of us are offered. We all feel good when we help someone and we know that, so why do we go to such lengths to "do it ourselves"? I know that- for most people- asking for help is a lot more difficult than offering help or agreeing to do so. It seems we all have this false notion that if we aren't able to do everything in our lives on our own, we're somehow generally incapable. So then why are there so many of us? Why develop relationships and create families if we're just going to go it alone, anyway?

I've noticed, lately, that I feel less love than I'm used to. Like, love-for-it-all kind of love. I've felt grouchy and irritable and resentful of people around me. Just in general, which is not really my nature. I'll blame some of it on winter. I've always had problems with this season. But there's so much more than that.

Maybe I would be feeling better if I asked for help. Even if I'm not sure what that means right now, only to say that I feel like I need it. Maybe that's the beginning of kindness? I think there is a type of kindness in asking for help, in trusting someone with what feels like vulnerability. Because like courage is moving through fear and acting in its presence, strength may be found by exposing vulnerability and asking someone to acknowledge and help heal it. (This is all just a theory.)

P.S. In the realm of things "they" lied about, that thing about loving something and letting it go and if it comes back it's yours? That's blarney too. Just thought you'd like to know. But my thought is that if you let go with all your heart and in a loving way, you make room for something else that fits and will give love in return.

P.P.S. I think this post makes less sense than any I've written. Don't help it, though, it's still making some kind of point, I'm sure. Or I hope. Or it just felt good to write it.

Therapy Poem

2011-01-26T12:29:00.000-05:00

So, as a woman we have an extra doctor's appointment we have to make every year. A couple years ago I had an abnormal pap. I was treated and recently had another abnormal result. My doctor's recommendation is to have a partial hysterectomy- removal of the cervix and uterus. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm not even 35 yet! But the more I've thought of it, the more sense it makes. My mother had uterine cancer which is very hereditary and also difficult to treat and to detect. So! With all that in mind and also the fact that I do NOT want any more children, this seems like the logical thing to do. I don't have health insurance so I'll have to, probably, jump through some hoops to get Medicaid to pay for it. I think, (again), that it's totally bullshit that I am a working person living in America and I have no health insurance, (and struggle with money daily), but I'll save that for another post.

I'm talking about my uterus here. I realize to some it may sound strange to have an attachment to a particular organ, but most women would understand. That's my womb! Like, my womb! It's kinda, well, special. And I realized a huge spiritual reaction to all of this. Like, the life-cycle of a woman is tied into the three aspects of the Goddess- maiden, mother, and crone. What does it mean if I give up my uterus? Can I still call myself mother? (Of course and my daughter will too.) But these are some of the things that have been circling in my brain. It's scary. It's scary to have surgery. It's scary to lose an organ. Now, I must admit that if she asked for my tonsils or my appendix, or even maybe a kidney, I would not go through the same things. That's not to say I would not be scared. I'll be clear, I would be terrified. Again, surgery and loss of an organ- scary things. But, this is hitting me a lot harder than that would. I never really thought about it before. I am attached to my uterus. (okay, obviously) But in a very emotional/spiritual way. So, as I was taking this all in, the night I learned this, I had the urge to write it.

I don't often deny the muse. Like, I just don't ever do that. Whatever I want to write or wants to be written by me, let it come. I don't edit in my head anymore- I write too much, who am I to decide what's good before it's even on paper? But this. This was a difficult write to start. The first three lines or so popped into my head and I felt the pull toward the keyboard and literally groaned, "I don't want to write this!" Like, I didn't even want to be living it, let alone did I want to write about it. But good sense prevailed and I gave in. I'm glad. It helped a lot. And it shows me moving through the emotions. Dancing in fear and confusion and just a couple steps forward toward courage and an identity that could never reside in an organ. So, I'm still processing, especially since this is all just talk right now. I'm very glad about my decision, I only hope it's feasible and will be history soon. Any prayers would be helpful and appreciated, if you do pray. But overall, I feel pretty lucky. I was able to go to the doctor and find out what is wrong. I will make it through this and one day I'll just look back and say I was brave when it counted, even if I was terrified at first. And I know, I couldn't be brave if I wasn't terrified first, right?

not surrender

so the doctor says
maybe surrender your womb
but she doesn't use those words
remove uterus
like it's an organ
like a part
of my physical body
and not the place
where I grew my daughter
and not the place
where all of humanity
grows
and not the place
that makes me
woman
and she is a woman
but uteruses are her business
her work
like woman's work
working on women
and she maybe doesn't know
what all I hold there
and what we all have in there
and that it's the warm red place
where some secrets hide
and where a goddess sleeps
and it's where I grew my daughter
and I don't want another child
but it's my woman self in there
and even if they don't take my eggs
and even if I get to keep my hormones
that place will be gone
and I look inside to wonder
how things will move
because I'm not pieces
I am a whole
I am a woman

but the body-part
that walking around part of me
she says it's just not fighting
and I think what do you mean
I'm strong
I'm fighting every day
surely if the rest of me will
my body will fight too
maybe no one told her
maybe she doesn't know
those cells don't belong
do you have a phone, doc
an in-there phone
so we could call her
and tell her to woman-up
because it's taken me too long
to get this far
and I know that if I have to
I will surrender that part
and be still whole
and be still woman
because I am

because I am a fighter
and I know no part makes me me
and I know I will move through every fear
and I know where my power lies
it's not in that warm red place
and it's not in a place that can be
removed
it's a part that will always be
that will come with me
even when I leave the body
with or without its womb
or any other parts
that can't seem to fight

because whole doesn't come
from a collaboration of parts
and strength is buried deeper
than the deepest inside me
it rides up through the earth
to fill all the unseen parts
and becomes the essence
of who I really am

Something to Say

2011-01-12T12:32:00.001-05:00

Hi everyone! I finally feel like I have something to say. That is, I've been thinking of something I need to come here and write out. So, we all know a congresswoman was shot at in Arizona. Let me first say that I'm appalled at how the media mentioned shots fired at a congress person and left out the data that other people had been killed, including a child. That was just the first bit I saw of the story, when they weren't sure the congresswoman survived. I detest the media. If you've ever seen the movie "Natural Born Killers", Robert Downy Jr. plays a media personality in that film and there's a tiny shot where he's shown as a devil dripping blood. Ok, it's gory but that little picture really exemplifies the media for me. And it's not their blood they're covered in, it's our own. It belongs to every citizen who is influenced by biased media, and every person whose life unfolds in the light of their skewed truth. But I digress (as I so often do)...

What I find interesting is the question that keeps coming up about whether or not the hateful speech of the right has anything to do with this tragedy. Let's look at that. So, people are actually trying to decipher whether or not one political party's rampant politicking on subjects that really get straight under peoples skin could have, potentially, been enough of a trigger to send a mentally unbalanced and probably improperly medicated person over the edge to the point that he would try to kill a congresswoman for (I suppose) being a democrat.

Wow. That's heavy stuff. I mean, think about that. If we're asking the question, the answer is irrelevant. If we're asking the question, it means that we know there is a problem. I was talking to a friend recently about how polarized we seem to have become and how it scares me. This is one of the many possible outcomes of a country feeling like we're on different sides. It makes me so sick because it's to the benefit, (until days like these), of each party to argue. It helps their cause to have something to oppose.

I just have to say now, to anyone who is pro-life or against gay rights, if you vote based on those issues, you're wasting your time. The republicans don't give a rat's ass about abortion or gay rights. They use these issues because they know they can get to you with them. And I, being rampantly pro-choice and a huge supporter of gay rights, am in no better shape because I know if I had to vote republican to keep my body free, or to see friends gain the right to marry, I would. And what does that say?

To me, it says that the words mean nothing. Ds and Rs, they're all the same. The biggest problem, I think, when it comes to voting or any political thought, is that we're so hemmed in by these two parties. They know it and so they can use whatever tactics they want to point our attention away from what they're really doing and to whatever they can use as distraction. In a country where mental illness is rampant, where stress is probably at a planet-wide high, where we're fooling ourselves that we're still #1 and that everything is fine because our favorite show is about to start, where so many of us are so ignorant about the real issues, does anyone else think it might be a bit unprofessional and dangerous to start manipulating the public in order to gain a vote?

We have to become a bit more independent. We look to these people as leaders. If they were really leaders, someone would be working to make our country work. Driving a wedge between people based on issues that, really, shouldn't even be political is not responsible leadership. The anger I feel at people who oppose my beliefs scares me. I have to keep reminding myself that they're not "others". I don't want my beliefs imposed on anyone's life, but I really think the government is digging too close to the lines of what should not be their business. And, oh look, we struck a vein of crazy and let it loose on an unsuspecting public. Woops.

I wish, again, that I could be giant and get everyone to go along with my plan. Like, let's mind our own business and let people do what they will, knowing that if no harm comes to anyone, there's no need to worry. Let's demand that our public servants serve us, instead of us serving their agenda by feeding in to their manipulation. Let's hold our politicians up to the standards of - well, any standards would be good. Let's start expecting something from them and stop simply accepting what they do. There's some sort of unspoken understanding that politicians are somehow above reproach. I say that's crap. Let's speak up! I can't be the only one who feels like this! And I'm not giant yet so all I can do today is write this. And do my best to go away feeling less angry and more compassionate, which is what we all need, I think.

a tiny hello

2011-01-08T18:54:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone! I've been gone quite a while and my only real explanation is that I haven't had much to write about, or I haven't felt moved to blog. That is, I've been writing like crazy, just not here. But I miss reading everyone so I'm going to take time to visit and I thought I'd share some recent poetry and stuff.

Things on my Fridge

You are a forest

needing sun to grow stories

& the sea is your dream

rain beats a languid chant

to make fresh mist beneath a bare purple sky

explore your new voice

wild as a bouquet not from a garden

delicate as a petal still

your smile is a story library

man

end

new

old

wars

whisper moon language

never

cover your (heart)

from the world

under shadow

create beauty (*never,cover,world,under,create came together)

wander the ancient library of the human head

explore this magic life

A poem I just wrote.

maybe i should eat

i need some more words

i think i'll have to start

eating dictionaries

because i can't seem to come up with

enough words

or the right ones to

mean what i'm saying like

how i love the word mobius

and i know what it is

and what it looks like but

sometimes i use it when

i mean something else and so

maybe i'll have to

eat up some geometry books too

to try to find a better shape

to metaphor with

and sometimes singing

even in words that have nothing to do with it

seems to get out or get across

what i'm feelin at the time

in the most direct, most satisfying way

so maybe i should eat some cds

or music books or my violin

and when it starts to all seem

too surreal like

life has gone

quite strange

maybe i should start eating

some of the old and true

fairy tales

warning us of how twisted

and mistakenly lovely

life can be

Something little I wrote last November.

Her nostrils flare like a horse when she's hot
and sometimes, when she looks at something
that makes her want to run, like to the barn,
you can tell everything else is out of focus.

Something I wrote a few days ago.

(unfinished)

working stiffs

So what has us working

as we toil for our supper

and nobody seems to be singing much

about anything

and sleep tends to defer to the needs

of a person to be a person

and sometimes around other people

and these natural needs take

an unnatural back seat to the

make-believe needs of

a culture of has-to-be

where balance is so sorely twisted

that if it were struck, even for a moment,

it would be askew

and it seems to me that most people don't see

that it's only this way because we say it's ok

we get up too early

go to sleep too late

eat food that's not that at all

being, often, grossly under-compensated

for our time and our energy

both of which are so consumed that

it becomes difficult to look around

it's hard to take it all in

to fathom the big picture

or bother to ask questions

about- why do we do this thing

but instead just keep doing

because it's what we all believe in

and I may be a bit on the fringe when i'm thinking

we've all lost our minds

John Lennon is Still With Us (at least he's with me)

2010-12-09T12:17:00.000-05:00

I posted on Facebook recently that I think I may operate with the same brand of crazy as did John Lennon. A little spot in my heart mourns our loss due to his assassination. But he was a man who really and truly believed in peace. A great quote- "A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream we dream together is reality." He was talking, as ever, about peace. And, quite obviously, John understood about consensus reality. (Yes, here she goes again.) Because it's true. If we all just decided there should be peace, we would just work towards it, the government would be irrelevant. We simply wouldn't pick up their guns and we would work for everyone, not ourselves. But, thing is, we're so far from that now. I'm not sure how to live the life Lennon recommended. He said to do everything for peace. That every action or word we share should be in the name of peace. I think that's true but I don't live it. I believe in it, with all my heart. But I'm just one little human out here living and I get downright frustrated sometimes. The point, I think, is that I keep coming back to peace. I know it's right because it feels right. But what does my life look like?

I had a strange experience last weekend that, at that time, seemed such a great metaphor for my life. I'd found a can of vegetarian baked beans in the pantry and decided that would make a fine lunch. I went to my cupboard and got out my electric can opener, only then remembering that the last time I'd used it, it wasn't working properly. But I tried. I'm not sure what was wrong, but it would either cut or turn the can. Not both at the same time. So I fussed with it for a while and made some progress- some cuts along the inner rim, but the can was not open. Then I decided the electrical opener wasn't opening so I got out my handy-dandy manual version- forgetting that it was also jammed. Since my hands aren't strong enough to turn the key, (jammed good), I opened and closed the contraption on the edge of the can, piercing away, till it was cut free from its lid. Of course, I then had to use a fork to work and pry the lid out of the can to get to the beans.

In the time it took to open this can, I probably could have opened, heated, and eaten the beans if things had gone smoothly. I couldn't help but think to myself: "Ya know, in other peoples' lives, this is not such a hassle. People open cans all the time. They take the can to the opener, push that little button and TADA! they have beans. But not me. Nope. I spend 10 minutes just working to get to those yummy legumes." What does this say about my life? I often feel like I have to work so hard to get so little- like I can't understand how some things seem to come so easily to some people. I often feel as though there is entirely too much struggle in my life, like something should just come easily. On the other hand, I already admitted that I knew the can opener wasn't working properly. Why did I put it back in the cupboard at all? Why haven't I replaced it? I've surely had ten dollars to spare at some time in the past few months. Maybe just barely, but still. So maybe I actually make my life harder than it has to be in some ways. Maybe there are simple things I could do for myself that would make my days move a bit more smoothly.

Then another thing happened and I thought, let this be a metaphor for my life. I like this better. Before I moved last February, I packed a necklace that is very important to me. For Winter Solstice and Christmas, one of my best friends commissioned her husband, (another dear friend of mine), to carve baskets out of peach pits and make necklaces for myself and our two other friends. This is an unique and beautiful gift. It's something I would have liked if I'd seen it in a store but you won't, my friend made this for me. Obviously this is an important item. So, I vividly remember taking the necklace down from where it hung in my bathroom and putting it in something where I was sure it would be safe and get to the new house safely.

I moved and I unpacked bathroom and bedroom stuff. I found my jewelry but not that necklace. I started to wonder- hadn't I opened every box? But I KNEW. For SURE. Beyond a SHADOW of a DOUBT that it was somewhere. After all, I packed it special, right? Some time last January.

At the beginning of the week I was cleaning my bedside table where I have a big basket of journals and writing. Inside that is a small Japanese vase, (about the size of a soup can. or a bean can), that holds pens. I use pens from this vase almost every day. I took it out of the basket and looked inside, yep. There was my necklace! And the Goddess book mark I'd made myself years ago that always dis- and re-appears. I couldn't believe it!

But I could. Because this is my life. And maybe this metaphor makes sense too. What's important to me is closer than I think. I protect what's dear to me, even if I'm not sure how. The little pieces of what really matters are close to me, in my days and in my dreams. So maybe that nugget of peace I want to live is fuller than I give it credit for. Maybe I already decided to devote my life to peace, and put it inside in a really safe place. Maybe I can even admit that I should trust myself and do that. Maybe, in the screaming crazy tumult that is life here on Earth, I'm closer than I think.

Winter Plans

2010-12-01T13:00:00.003-05:00

It's December first and I can't remember the last time I wrote a blog post that wasn't poetry. So, I characteristically ask myself: "What's up?". I think it mostly comes down to being busy. This is always such a stressful time of year, and there have been so many things whizzing around in my brain that none of them have been able to sit still long enough to become a complete and blogable thought. Since I love my blog and can really see how it's improved my writing, (and I miss all my fellow bloggers!), I decided to drag something out of there.

First of all, my plans for the winter. I've been feeling spread thin for a while now- like I'm trying to do too many things, I'm not doing all the things I should be doing, and, hence, things start becoming messy. Like: my house, my conversations, my intentions, my brain... What was I saying? Oh! Yes, messy... I feel as if I'm not giving my all to anything. I feel unfocused and impatient, nervous and lonely, confused and worn-out. Tasks take on a looming, monumental heft and my defense is to ignore them till they grow even more. Plans I had got lost, some buried forever and some waiting to be found. Intentions have become foggy, unsure. Creativity has been spotty at best. ( I always maintain that as long as I'm writing, things aren't really all that bad. I've been writing.) I've been fussy and picky, moody and tired. I've felt exposed and raw, been misunderstood and offended, and probably offensive. I've remembered what panic feels like- not good. I've remembered what complacency is- not good. But through this all, the optimist is shining.

Have you ever noticed how a truth you need to tell yourself is often found in what you desperately want to say to another person? I recently found myself overwhelmed by the beauty of another person and felt compelled to point it out. Wondering about it later, I got it- like a migraine: I need to realize and remember that I am beautiful. I need to take better care of myself. I am amazing and talented and kind and I deserve love and a happy life. Whew... that's good to know.

So I find myself needing to re-group. I've made a decision to scale back my social schedule this winter in order to really focus on my self and my life. I've gotten quite good at self-therapy, calling myself on my own shit and being open to the possibility that I'm often very wrong and my motivations are questionable. This has offered up a massive amount of questions (and even a few answers).

One of the things I need to focus on is my house. The Little House is, currently, the Little Warehouse- as I've emptied my storage into my home. Now, I live in a three room house with my daughter. (three rooms not counting the bathroom which is much more closely related to a closet) I have amassed, over the years, way more books that any one person needs, (that is until said person has a home with a library), and much other lovable but not necessarily useful stuff. One of my revelations in self therapy was the realization that my compulsive collecting started around the time my last relationship became abusive. Wow! That's a big deal! That means that at that time, I felt that all this stuff was, in some way, protecting me. I don't need protection anymore! I can't tell you how much easier it has become to let go of things now that I know why I have them in the first place. I need to excavate my house and make it a home- especially working on my daughter's room because it has dealt with the brunt of the storage. Two things that are contributing to my ability to make space: many friends coming this weekend to adopt books, then some helping me to donate the leftovers, AND my landlord gave me more storage space!! This project that felt so impossible and shameful, (yes, we pack-rats do, sometimes, actually feel guilty about what we have), now seems doable and simple. Well, not physically simple but certainly easier than it was before. My house is like my temple. It's where I rest and live, it's where I create, it's where I practice spirituality, it's the heart of my experience here on earth. Not to put to fine a point on it, but if I love my house so much in the bizarre state it's in, imagine how much I will love it this spring when it's straightened around and my daughter's room is decorated!

Aside from that, I just want to slow down. I want to work on crafts and work through some of the meditation books I've been reading. I want to cuddle my cats and watch movies with my daughter. I want to go sledding and drink hot-chocolate. I'm going to learn to cook some amazing vegetarian soups!! I want to work out and I want to rest. I want to, as much as possible, make my own schedule. I want to be gentle with me, see what other amazing things I can learn about myself. I want to attend to the most important relationship- mine with myself.

So- I will most certainly make time for my best friends (because I would surely cease to breath if I had to go longer than a couple weeks without them). I will go to poetry readings and witches' nights out and that's it. I'm grounded! It feels good!!

Hope you all have a wonderful winter. Since I'll be home, another hope is that I'll be blogging more!!

I Have a Friend

2010-11-18T12:57:00.000-05:00

I have a friend who loves a woman
which may seem strange to some because
my friend is also a woman
but to me it only seems beautiful
it seems right
Because the woman she loves loves her too
My friend has never said to me,
"I love this woman."
and they've never said,
"I love you."
in front of me          but I know
It's plain to see when they're together
that something bigger than the both of them
exists between these two
I can't help but feel warm, hopeful when I see that
It makes me want to dance.

because I see so many women who
don't really love the men they love
I'm not sure they even like them, actually
I do see men and women in love - happy couples are out there
They're just few and endangered    and I'm not sure what by
It's not deforestation or pollution that makes them scarce
It think, perhaps, it's the pace at which we push our lives
marriage is something that just happens
   -after college
   -after high-school
   -hopefully before kids
   -usually when people are too young to know themselves well enough to know their partner
                                        too young to ask the questions that will plague them in 10 years
Like:
-is he right for me?
-might there have been someone more suited to me?
-am I happy?
Questions that become meaningless or destructive
between breakfast dishes and bag-lunches
between pig-tails and little league
where moms sit in the stands in a daze
wondering exactly how all their days
added up to this

I have a friend who likes men
which may seem strange to some
because my friend is a man
but to me it seems good, it seems right
because I saw the Hell he had to wade through
to admit (even to himself) what love looked like
inside him
He broke through barriers I couldn't have cracked,
toppled them to get to himself
and now he shines like a star
healthier, happier, more whole than I'd known he could be
His deepest desire (like all of our deepest desires)
is to find the right one
that partner, the companion that's right for him
I know this will happen, he'll find his one
because my friend is filled -all the way- with love
and on that day, I'll dance.

I haven't vanished...

2010-11-16T12:42:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone! I got a message from PettyWitter wondering where the heck I've been so I thought I'd better stop by my blog. I must say, too, that it made me feel good that I was missed. Thank you so much PettyWitter! I've been coming and reading, just haven't posted.

This is always such a difficult time of year, this year is no exception. I'm always in trouble with money- that's not changed. But I find I have even more issues due, mostly, to my own procrastination.

I have thought of several post ideas that probably would have been wonderful if I'd brought them to the computer with me. I might even get back to them in the near future. Just right now, I think I feel a bit of a mess. I've had a hard time focusing. I know I'm not alone in this, it's a messy time of year. I'm going to have a day-dream now and set it all straight:

-I have more than enough money- enough for bills, gas, and food, enough to treat my daughter to a great Christmas, and enough to save a bit and donate a bit.

-I work in a job I love. Not only in a place I love, but doing work that feels worth-while, like I am making a difference in people's lives.

(ok, so far this daydream has a theme)

-I take time to take care of my body. My great job offers me health insurance so I go to a doctor regularly for checkups. I go to dentists and eye doctors, too. More importantly and more exciting, I exercise regularly, I do Yoga at least 3 times a week, I take long walks and I have fun doing weights and cardio.

-I write every day (ok, i almost always do) but now I have more time for it somehow. I have started one book and have ideas for others.

-I cook. (i'm learning)

-I spend time every day with my daughter, doing something fun. We never rush.

-My house is almost always clean. The clutter is manageable and we keep up with all the day-to-day.

-I spend more time practicing and working with my spiritual path. Meditation has become a part of my daily life. I am working through those books I keep reading.

-I meet my partner. This may not be just yet-even in my daydream. I want to be so sure all these other things are in place, being so picky about myself but also being honest with myself and the fact that if I don't have these things in place, it will be too easy to forget my life and pay attention only to him.

-Witches' powers become real and I can bring true and lasting peace to the world.

(ok, i may have gone a bit overboard on that last one but a witch can dream, right?)

So, this is my daydream for today. What's yours?

November 2, 2010

2010-11-03T07:28:00.000-04:00

Entry for One Shot Wednesday

I voted today
in the linoleum yellow underbelly of
Emmanuel Lutheran
the place that plays Kumbaya to me
on great big bells while I sit by the river

was it only strange to me
to be voting in a church?
maybe more so to people
who still like our church and state separate

I stood in line for my ballot
taking in the colorful Alleluia banners
the children had made
I wondered what they celebrated,
what they praised and gave thanks for as they made them

driving to the polls I was behind a semi on the freeway
on the back a sign with an American flag told me about
our country not giving aid or comfort to "the enemy"
Shock settled in        anger stirred
as if all the people - the citizens - of Afghanistan and Iraq
are our enemies    personally
they're as helpless to their governments
as we are to ours
in the dust next to the sign
someone had written the name Jesus
He would be hurt, I think, to see this
maybe even ashamed       or that's just how I felt
I don't think Jesus believed in enemies
I don't either

but waiting for that line we've all felt so divided
I've never felt us so polarized before
it scares me
I feel obligated to vote only D
because the things the R's say -
they really scare me
but I wish I could vote G or I
without feeling it a loss

letters
behind collapsible plastic privacy
a black felt marker with
No. 2 oval holes
I break out my cheat-sheet
(yep, I wrote it down. just to be sure)
fill in all the right spaces and
a machine - secretly - sucks it away from me
I got a sticker (my favorite part)
I don't know if I've changed anything
or how much of a difference one can make this way
I'm not sure I trust the whole thing
much more than McDonald's Monopoly
but, I suppose, Alleluia
that I have a right to try.

Happy Birthday to Blog

2010-10-27T15:23:00.000-04:00

This blog is one year old today and I felt the need to write that down. I'm so happy I started writing here! It's opened me up as a writer, which is what I was hoping for, but through it I've found so many other wonderful writers and formed a few really special bonds. Great big Thank You to all you bloggers for doing this, for sharing with me and for reading and responding. The blogosphere is a rich and vibrant community and I'm very grateful to be a part of it.

In Numb

2010-10-27T11:34:00.001-04:00

For One-shot Wednesday:

I feel so disconnected lately
I try to have a focused thought
and all I get is dial tone
when most of the time it's like hearing
six conversations bleeding through
but none of them make much sense
all overlapping and unfinished
and above it all a nasal monotone intones:

"You are now operating in survival mode."

So I move through the day
the same as the one before
doing all the 'have to's
so it seems just like living
only without really touching anything
and the voice continues:

"You are now operating in survival mode."

Then I'm angry at that voice
I want to defy her
so I shake myself with music,
laughter, conversation, books
I sing really loudly
when a feeling does come through
because I find they've become too big for me to hold
I shake myself to try to snap me out of it
but I'm still out of it
so I do what I can to comfort me
but in the background:

"You are operating in survival mode."

So I move again to the music,
the laughing, the talking, the words
I see how these things bring
each a tiny reprieve
and as the voice goes on and on
I live between breaths

I'm Pollyanna, Nice to Meet You

2010-10-22T11:24:00.002-04:00

I talk a lot about my "inner Pollyanna" here on this blog, in the hopes that you've all seen that movie. If not, you probably know what I'm referring to. I have an unstoppable optimist inside. She's not always active, as we can say about most of our "parts", but she's always there. It's the part of me that believes we can do everything we dream. She absolutely refuses to believe that "this is the way it is, this is the way it's always been, and this is the way it must continue to be...". Nope. Polly thinks that's lazy and a cop-out.

What Polly really believes in is the power of intention. She believes in each and every one of us doing our best. I love to harp on consensus reality so I'm going to touch on that again. In principle, it says that reality is what it is because we all agree- by consensus. It's the biggest sense of "life is what you make of it". Think about that statement. If life is what we make of it, why not make something different, better? Why not let our imaginations run to wild and wonderfully healthy places?

So many people feel like I do, I'm learning slowly. We don't believe in war. We don't think life should be lived for money. We believe in love as a verb, as a way to live. We believe in the ability of each of us to make the planet a better place to be.

I believe in a future that's so different from what we've been led to believe as possible. I believe in not fearing one another. I believe in a world where a woman can walk down any street alone at any time of the day or night and have nothing to fear. I believe in a world where we realize that we are all brothers and sisters, that we're all connected. I believe in a world-wide culture that includes everyone, where we love each person without needing to know anything about them. I believe in giving help to others because they need it, not because we think we might need help in the future. I believe we could come to a point of not-needing, of everyone having enough. I believe that even thought the state of the world is so far from this now, it wouldn't be that hard to bring us here. I believe that deep down, every person wants this. We all want to feel seen and to be heard. We all want to feel loved and feel "good". We are constantly creating strife for ourselves as we struggle against and through the systems we've created to "keep things in-line." If we work on trust, we could drop our defenses and give every person the means to do their best, to grow without fear into a world that welcomes and loves every one for who they are.

If you think this is naive, you are holding us up!

This is Alanis Morissette with Pollyanna's theme song, "Utopia":

We'd gather around
All in a room
Fasten our belts
Engage in dialogue
We'd all slow down
Rest without guilt
Not lie without fear
Disagree sans judgement

We would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and
enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and open and reach out and speak up

This is utopia
This is my utopia
This is my ideal
My end in sight
Utopia
This is my utopia
This is my nirvana
My ultimate

We'd open our arms
We'd all jump in
We'd all coast down
Into safety nets

We would share and listen and support and welcome
Be propelled by passion, not invest in outcomes
We would breathe and be charmed and amused by difference
Be gentle and make room for every emotion

This is utopia
This is my utopia
This is my ideal
My end in sight
Utopia
This is my utopia
This is my nirvana
My ultimate

We'd provide forums
We'd all speak out
We'd all be heard
We'd all feel seen

We'd rise post-obstacle, more defined, more grateful
We would heal, be humbled, and be unstoppable
We'd hold close and let go and know when to do which
We'd release and disarm and stand up and feel safe

This is utopia
This is my utopia
This is my ideal
My end in sight
Utopia
This is my utopia
This is my nirvana
My ultimate

Hi, I'll Be Your Fool for the Evening

2010-10-13T11:51:00.000-04:00

I've been really struggling lately. I'm doing my best to stand outside myself and look in and I'm not totally thrilled with how I've felt lately. I think it has a lot to do with the weather. I don't deal well with winter and while the weather right now is perfect, fall is the precursor of winter.

So I've been picking myself apart- again. I'm frustrated over my inability to find positive ways to speak out about things I'm upset about. I truly don't know how to express my anger in a way that's, well, less angry. Most people would wonder why I would want to do that. If you're angry, just be angry, right? But the problem is that I know better. Well, no I don't. I know that if I allow the actions of others to insight anger in me, I've become a part of the problem. The second I start acting or speaking from a place that is not loving, I'm working against what I want the world to become.

I was talking with my mom yesterday and telling her how I've been feeling depressed and somewhat disconnected and she said she thinks most people are feeling that lately. It's the economy or the state of the world, we're all depressed. That's when I realized why it's so important to me to keep my Pollyanna attitude intact.

I realize that sometimes I come off as ditsy or silly, some people equate happiness with being vapid. That's ok with me. I'm not very attached to what other people think of me because I know who I am and if someone thinks I'm stupid, they simply haven't gotten to know me. What is really important to me is the way people feel when they're around me. Have you ever noticed how someone who is incredibly happy can just light up a room? When you're happy, you don't really keep it to yourself, it gets shared by those around you. Just like love- when you give it away, you have so much more than you started with.

One of my dearest friends is a Tarot reader and we were talking about the Fool card a while back. The picture of the fool shows him about to walk off a cliff but he's totally unaware and gleeful. People have different perspectives of what this means but what it's really about is trust. Having trust that everything will work out in the end, that all will be set right- that's what the fool is about.

So I'll be the fool for the whole world if I can. If my silliness, my joy, my love for everyone, my ability to be strange and awkward and still happy can help lighten the weight we all carry, sign me up! I don't want to slip into cynicism, I don't like it there. It's dark and dusty and, quite frankly, it scares me a little. We all need to be reasonable in our expectations lest we get crushed over and over. But that doesn't mean we stop believing in the impossible!

So, Polly has dusted herself off, she's taking a little nap to refuel, and any second now she's going to start beaming again for everyone.

Dying to Be Themselves

2010-10-07T12:32:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure where to start with this as I'm full of so many emotions. I'm sure you've all seen the news and are aware that there have been a number of suicides lately due to bullying based on homosexuality. This is so hard for me to deal with, so hard to think about. I remember being bullied as a kid- for no particular reason- and how scary it was. I can't imagine how difficult it would be, when you're a young person just trying to come to terms with who you are, to have people act in such hateful ways based on something that can be difficult in the best of circumstances. It absolutely blows my mind that we are losing kids- really losing them, gone, not here with us any more- due to the hateful acts of ignorant people.

I'm so angry! And I'm sad and scared as well. What's going on in the world when people will push someone that hard- right to the end of their lives? Self-acceptance is difficult for us all. As I've mentioned before, our society isn't set up for self-love. It's set up to make us feel insecure so that we will buy things that might make us more acceptable to others. But these kids had an even more difficult road to self acceptance simply because of who and how they love. I think that's what bothers me the most when it comes to gay issues. I don't think we should have to say "gay rights". It's totally stupid. These are simply human rights! But maybe I'm expecting too much of humanity. When I've talked to my 10 year old daughter about gay marriage, she says, "Mom, I don't understand. If they love each other, why does anyone care?". I'm so proud! And that's what really pisses me off. Who has the right to ever tell anyone who they can or can't love? How can love, in any form, ever be "inappropriate" or "unacceptable"?

I don't accept religious beliefs as a reason to be hateful towards the gay population. If you think it's wrong, don't do it. I hear a lot of self-righteous Christians rallying against gay people. I don't find their religion acceptable. I think it's been a bloody, hateful, judgmental, hypocritical mess since Jesus left the planet but I don't protest against it because it's not my business. I simply don't go to church. And in my opinion, Jesus would cringe if he saw people acting so ignorant and destructive in his name. There was a group protesting at a military funeral because they protest the military's "acceptance" of homosexuality. How sick is that? What compassionate faith would drive someone to go to a funeral, where family and friends are mourning the loss of a LIFE, of someone they love, and set up camp to complain to that person's boss? How is it they were not arrested? I don't want to hear about someone's freedom of speech. It's not free when you're hurting others! It's utterly unacceptable and, to me, shows signs of mental illness.

In local (to me) news, the assistant Attorney General of Michigan has been stalking a student of the University of Michigan. More than stalking, the man set up a blog devoted to slating this poor person. He went to his home, to parties he attended, called him a Nazi and racist- all baseless. When I first heard this I thought, "Wow, that guy should really be fired." Then I thought, "He should really be jailed, too, because that's so scary. He made the young man's life unsafe!" Now I'm thinking he should be institutionalized. Indefinitely. I mean really, who does these things? So that man was being paid with my tax dollars and spent his time terrorizing someone he doesn't know based on his sexuality. That, to me, is seriously an indicator of mental illness and I'm creeped-out to be sharing a state with the man. Wherever he is, it's not far enough unless he's behind bars or surrounded by padded walls.

That's what I really can't understand. What drives people to do these things to others? Why would anyone want to be hateful to another person? I have never seen a gay rally for anti-anything. I see gay pride. That's awesome and obviously much needed. In a world where we're plagued with war, starvation, greed, homelessness... Where so many are lacking the basics of survival, how can people waste their time hating others for loving each other? I don't think we should be able to vote on gay marriage, it should be a non-issue. It should be anyone's human right to marry the one they love. It's something the Religious Right uses to get people riled up and draw attention from the real issues. Anyone who would vote against it would not be affected by the law anyway. I don't want to hear about money or benefits either. That's a really sick and sad reason to stop people from making their bond legal. But then, that's what our society really values- money over love.

I have gay friends and I have to say, I know so few couples who have that real, true, visible love but I see it in many gay couples. It's couples like these that give me hope for finding true love in my life. Who would ever want to destroy that? When there is such a lack of love on this planet, who would ever want to come between two people who share it?

It might sound harsh but I believe the people who were bullying these kids should be jailed as accessories to their deaths. Make a new ruling- accessory to suicide. That might be the only thing to stop this kind of behavior. How is it fair that they're walking free, probably feeling good about themselves, and the people they tormented are not with us anymore? It's a crime, plain and simple.

For the Love of Self

2010-10-03T19:12:00.000-04:00

I talk a lot about love here and while I won't attempt to define the indefinable, I would like to try to bring it into clearer focus. It's a word used so often that there are innumerable definitions: romantic love, familial love, love between friends, love of the earth and nature, love of art... It seems a lot of emphasis is put on romantic love, probably as it tends to be the most compelling, most tumultuous interaction we share here in life. It certainly shows us the range of our highs and lows.

When I talk about love, I'm most often talking about something I have no words for. I have love for my daughter and my family, love for my friends and my cats. I love my house and my city. I love good food and music. I love books and learning. I love life itself and I'm learning to really love myself but none of these add up to what I mean when I talk about love. If I could add them all together, and multiply them by the number of cells in my body or the number of bodies on the Earth, it might start to come close.

Someone said to me recently, "What I really want is love.". It was said with a mixture of more sorrow than hope. My immediate response, (believing that the person meant romantic love), was that we have to love ourselves before we can really love another. Not only that, we have to love ourselves before we can accept that another could love us and really feel that love. I had to think about this, though, because I have a bit of sorrow when I think of the desire for (romantic) love in my life. I have huge love for the world, so much I can't stand to see all the strife. I know that this is an impersonal love, not fueled by what others do so much as by what we all are. I also feel that I've started to cultivate a strong self-love that, while new and somewhat small, sustains me through most things. If I have these big forms of love, why do I feel sorrow around the desire for an other? I suppose it's just loneliness- that feeling I've successfully denied for so long.

Self love must be the beginning of all love in a person's life. I think- no- I know that when you don't love yourself, it can be so hard to imagine really doing so. We see so many things "wrong" with ourselves and the world tends to reinforce these beliefs. It's everything from how we look to what we do. We could spend our lives picking ourselves apart, and in some ways most of us do. Many of us find it hard to feel good about our accomplishments. Some of us may even feel we haven't accomplished anything of merit at all, (I have those days). Still others have amazing accomplishments and realize that but the success itself can set up some insecurities. They start to wonder if people really like them for who they are, or for what they've done.

All that just to say that self-love is not rooted in our accomplishments or lack thereof. It doesn't matter what we've done or what we may do. Self-love is about who we are right now, in this moment. We don't have to do or change anything in order to be lovable. The first step is compassion. It's to forgive ourselves for all we do that we think is wrong. It's to realize our true nature as good and kind and innocent. We're not here to attain perfection. We're not here to know it all or to get it all right. When people think, "I'll love myself when I lose a few pounds or when I finish this book or when I find someone else who really loves me.", they're putting off the true joy of those things. If you don't really love yourself, you can't trust that another would truly love you. It becomes a weight we put on another person, to make us feel loved and therefore lovable.

Compassion for yourself is the most important first step (I think) in loving yourself. If you can slow down and, rather than pity yourself, (which leads- as I well know- to depression), simply acknowledge all that's been difficult and hurtful in your life but see how you've made it through that, you're on your way. If we start to be compassionate with ourselves, we start to want to take better care of ourselves. Then we see what a gift this life is.

Not only that, we need to realize that everyone has had some struggle. Everyone gets kicked. The world simply isn't (don't tell Pollyanna I said this) a gentle, loving place. I really do believe that when we act in gentle, loving ways the world around us tends to respond by being more gentle with us, but no matter our efforts or beliefs, hardships come to us all. Also, we all make mistakes. We all have bad habits. We have all treated ourselves in unloving ways. No person here is doing everything "right" or perfectly. There are no perfect people on this planet and yet most of the time, we're trying to put our best face forward, trying to make ourselves look as "good" as possible. We all try to make it seem like we're doing a fine job handling everything, even and especially when we're struggling.

But when we love ourselves, it brings a bit of humility that allows us to reach out and ask for help. We stop trying to "look good" and start trying to feel good. Sometimes that means, "I can't do this all on my own and I'm going to ask for the help I need." When we're willing to do that, we also may become more willing to help others, seeing it not as a burden but as an important part of living a full, happy life. How much do you hate to ask for help? How much do you love to be of help to your friends? Isn't that strange?

So to address (but not answer) the issue of self-love in terms of romantic relationships, I have to assume that it will strengthen any bond two people create. If they already know that they're lovable, they have learned to take care of themselves, and they know it's safe to ask for help, so much more communication becomes possible. They're not dependent on one another to make them feel worthy. They also know that everything is not up to one person. It's balanced and they both feel supported by the other without being completely dependent. They can go about their own lives without fear of losing interest by not being with someone every minute. They will make an effort to remain entrenched in their own lives rather than starting to live the life of the one they love. They will see how they can each remain who they are, and yet something more than the sum grows between them.

From this place, it would become so much easier to really love someone. You would realize that you're not losing anything by giving. It would be so much easier to establish trust and intimacy because you're able to let down your guard, to be your true and authentic self with someone. And I think that's what we all want, ultimately. We want to be loved but we want to be loved as ourselves, not as that 'best face' we put on for the world. We want someone to really see us, to see all of us and say, "I love you", and really mean that, to the bones.

So since I'm not in a place to really talk about romantic relationships and, honestly, still not sure I'm ready to embark upon that journey, I will keep working with this big love I'm learning. It's a bit safer but no less profound. It's what allows me to say, with truth and integrity, that I love you to the bones. Yep, you, reading this right now. I may never have met you and I may never meet you but I love you because you're beautiful and worthy of love. I love you because you're here on this Earth, struggling and delighting, laughing and crying, loving and hurting just the same as me. I love you because I know I'm not alone. I love you, not because it's what we're supposed to do, but because it's what feels good. I love you because I think it's love that we're made of, that binds us one to another. I love you because you deserve to be loved.

Want / Am / But

2010-09-24T12:11:00.001-04:00

I want to figure it all out. I want the world to make sense to me and to understand why there is war and suffering. I want to understand politics and history. I want to be able to look at it all and say it makes some kind of sense.

I am never going to make peace with the fact of war. There is no way to make it alright, it's all wrong. I will never understand why we allow suffering to take place at all on this planet. I am never going to understand borders and when I try to understand politics, what I really understand is that it's convoluted for a reason. If someone studies for years, they start to "understand" but I think they're really just brainwashed into believing it all makes sense.

But, I really do believe that we can be the change we want to see in the world. I'm not sure how many of us need to live in peaceful ways to bring peace to the whole world, but it's time to really start trying. I feel safer not knowing what politics are about because I think they're so corrupt that understanding would not do anything to help me learn how to change things. Things don't change through politics, politic makes it hard and almost impossible to change things. Things change when people think outside the box, when they let go their grip on consensus reality and start to imagine what we could do if we believed it to be possible.

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I want to make big changes. I would love to initiate a movement of strong, self-love around the world because I believe that any love has to start with the self. I want life on Earth to be about healing and growth, about what we each have to give all the rest. I want every person to start to see their own worth and realize that we are all equal, we are all necessary, and we are all part of the same system of life.

I am not in a place to speak out to thousands or millions or even hundreds of people. I don't know how to get my thoughts out there to the world. I am trying my best to believe that the love I feel is enough, that when I pray and meditate, or when I show compassion for one person it sends that loving ripple out over the whole world.

But I know that this is only where I am right now. There is so much unknown in my future. There may come a time when I can speak to many people, when I can appeal to their higher voices, to their higher selves. It also may always be in the seemingly small ways that I make this want known. I may talk to one person who wakes up to something because of that conversation and goes out into the world with a new message of their own love.

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I want to feel healthy. I want to take better care of my body, mind, and spirit. I want to lose weight, (the unending quest of all western women?). I want to accept myself as beautiful every day. I want to know that I'm doing all the things I can to take care of me. I want to devote myself to Yoga, regular exercise, and a more structured meditation practice.

I am a busy single mother. I am doing the best I can. I am trying to recover from some work-related overuse injuries that have made it almost impossible for me to practice Yoga lately. I am turned-off by any pre-occupation with the way we look, especially my own. I am in a constant and probably all-too-common struggle between accepting myself as I am and striving to be better, (the gist of this post).

But I know that how I look is not who I am. I know that we all go through times when we take better care of ourselves and times when we don't. I have a lot of knowledge about what I should be doing and I have my whole life to start putting these things into practice. If I'm patient with myself, I'm more likely to start making changes soon.

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I want to be a perfect mother. I want my daughter to have a fun childhood and also to learn about responsibility. I want to give her all the opportunities I can. I want to do all I can to ensure her strength as she grows through the tumult of adolescence and into her adult life.

I am not a perfect anything. I love my daughter with all I have but I am only one person. I lose patience sometimes and others I'm too lazy to teach her to help when I know I could do the thing I'm teaching her in a fraction of the time. Parents always struggle with providing. I can't pay for her to go to an amazing school, or even for most extra-curricular activities.

But I do the best I can. Loving her and expressing that creates a stable foundation in our relationship so that even though I can't protect her from the slings and arrows of life, she knows that she can come to me with anything. I encourage her imagination and growth. I let her know that I'm not always right. I remind her that it doesn't matter that I don't like the music she listens to, that's her choice. I do my best to give her space to grow and also to instill the idea of responsibility. I'm open and honest with her and very affectionate. Honesty and affection were a bit lacking in my upbringing so I feel like I really am doing my best.

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I want to take better care of the Earth. I want to recycle EVERYTHING and compost and be more mindful of the packaging I pay for. I want to learn to can food and plant a garden every spring. I want to learn more about sustainability and green living.

I am, again, doing the best I can. I recycle all paper. I couldn't afford to plant a garden this spring. I do my best to avoid toxic chemicals to clean with. Green living is not cheap living and there are days I can only do what I can afford. I'm getting better at this stuff little by little. There is a LOT of information and I am not able to devote my life to the pursuit of being green at this time.

But, I have good intentions. I'm becoming more aware and stepping more lightly. I think that with time my knowledge will translate to greener living. I have to be reasonable with what I'm able to do. Every change counts!

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I want to find peace within myself. I want to let go of wanting, let go of should. I want to spend at least some time every day being ok with everything.

I am human. Life is about growth and if I was always content with who and where I am, there would be nothing to grow against. In that way, I'm grateful for the discontent.

Living Out Loud

2010-09-18T12:52:00.001-04:00

When I was young I was painfully shy. I actually remember having my mom write my name down once because I didn't want to say it to the “older” kids on my block. As I got older not much changed. I started to say my name but found it difficult to join conversations. I felt I didn't have anything relevant to share or if I thought of something, it was about what people had talked about ten minutes ago.

I was in high school when I made the first step toward coming out of that shell. It was finding my ability to laugh at myself. If I could laugh at whatever stupid, embarrassing thing I did, somehow it wasn't so embarrassing. Instead of feeling that awful, heart-pounding dread and the desire to sink into the ground, I felt kinda silly, made light of it, and moved on.

Around that same time, I started to really think about cliques. I couldn't understand why people only seemed to hang out with people who dressed like them. To investigate this phenomena, I started dressing differently every day. I would come in one day dressed like the perfect “prep”- neat hair, those V-neck sweaters with a striped button-up underneath, pretty little necklace, nice brown loafers... The next day would find me looking like a total “goth”- all black clothes, usually in layers, ratted up crazy hair, white makeup with dramatic orange eyeshadow, massive black liner, and red, red lipstick, masses of heavy silver jewelry- basically a female Robert Smith (lead singer of the Cure). The next day I would be a “burn-out”- ripped jeans and concert-T's, leather jacket, hair ratted up but less chaotic, sometimes flannel (which I “accidentally” wore before grunge had arrived at my suburban school and was called a farmer, till a few months later...). Then I would come in dressed like a hippie. There weren't any hippies at my school. I was not in a “clique” in school, I was one of those loose, unclassified kids with a few friends. I don't know if it was my own rigid perceptions of those groups that changed or that people were curious about what I thought I was doing, but I ended up with friends from every clique eventually.

After high school and out into the real world, I started to have different issues when it came to social interaction. I had a hard time knowing what to share with people. Sometimes I went through social-anxiety wondering why I had shared something with someone. Or just back to that feeling of stupidity over something I had said. I think it usually came down to my fear of being judged by someone. What would so-and-so think of me now that I had shared that? Would they tell other people? Obviously fears like this helped me to establish some boundaries. Having been through some friendships that caused me to loose trust, I started to gravitate towards different types of people. I learned about establishing trust and mutual respect. I learned how to find safe places to share the things that I need to share.

I keep moving through new ways of seeing my interactions in the world. I've hung on to that ability to laugh at myself, which is crucial to me. I've started to realize that it's not important that other people understand me. Knowing that is a deep and necessary piece of my growth and my path. I have to be able to speak my truth. I have to feel free to believe what I believe regardless of what the world tells us. Trying to fit the world into what we think we know about it will never work for me. I know there is more to this than what we see.

So now I've gone from a six-year-old girl who couldn't bring herself to say her name to a 34-year-old girl who tells it like it is. I still have moments when I can't make my words work. I get the biggest kick out of that after the fact, the writer with no words. It's at those times that I remember that I'm also very emotional and sensitive. I may show the most prevalent emotion like a beacon on my face but there's too much going on inside to work through the words.

What I'm learning about now is the delicate balance of transparency. There are so many things we waste our time hiding that are simply human experience. We have built up so much shame around things as simple as bodily functions. I'm not sure how to shed that but it seems so silly when you think about it. We're ashamed of our desires and habits, sometimes of our strengths. We find it so difficult to say what we feel, what we think. It's fear of rejection or fear of exposure, fear of vulnerability, fear of hurting others, fear of having an unpopular opinion. Do you see the recurring theme?

What I want to keep working toward is a loosening of all that fear. My life is about being loving, that's the change I want to be in the world. I truly believe that the opposing forces, in the grand scheme of things, are fear and love. Fear feeds greed and our perceptions of “different”, two unhealthy human habits that contribute to suffering. If I am willing to let go of that fear and live, out loud and up-close, maybe some other people will see that and open up too. I don't want to hide who I am. I need to be able to communicate how I'm feeling and what I think. We all need some things in our lives to be private. That's healthy and gives us a sense of self and security. But how much do we hide that isn't serving us in the hiding? How many times do we bite our tongues when we should just let them fly? Who do we really hurt when we hide how we feel? What can we do to allow and encourage those around us to feel more free and open and safe? It sounds like a big idea again but to me it all seems so simple.

Whew...

2010-09-17T12:11:00.001-04:00

I had a difficult day yesterday and I want to share about it. Sometimes I feel like I come and blog only as my most Pollyanna self. Ok, maybe sometimes Polly has a viscous justice card in her back pocket, but still with that bright world-view, expecting everyone else to be loving, too. But I am not a constant happy-go-lucky person. I go through the hills and valleys that we all do and although it's my best, most optimistic face I like to share, I feel it's important to show my humanness as well, and that was bare and raw yesterday.

I think it comes down to how I process things. A very dear friend had to have surgery on Wednesday. I knew about this. I was aware of the need for the surgery. Then I knew the date. Not much to do, really. In my head it amounted to: "So, they take him in, they do their thing, he's fixed up and home in a week.". I guess that's a positive thing. Nothing felt like an emergency and it was not. All there was to do was to be there and ask how I could help.

The night before the surgery we gathered, friends and family, at their home. We laughed and talked, had coffee and pie and enjoyed the company of family that goes deeper than blood. It was a fun and up-beat gathering, planning delivery of company and real-food, laughing at stories and silliness. I always have such deep gratitude for nights like these. I am so grateful to be with people who are present and kind, to feel a part of a group who is so supportive and who share love so generously.

The next day involved watching Facebook, waiting for updates. And waiting... And waiting... And praying for energy and for those who were waiting in the hospital. When I went to be that night, they were still waiting.

The next morning I got up and checked- yay!! Surgery was over, the patient was resting and all the others had finally gone home to rest. This was the best news I had ever heard! "They" did their thing and the thing was done and my friend was resting and safe. Whew!

So that's when it all hit me. That's when the tears came. I still can't quite figure it out. I was able to process what was going to happen mentally- ok, there is a surgery with a date and then recovery. There is something wrong that will be fixed. This is how it is, this is how they will fix it. That was all easy to compute. What was not- at the time- was the risk involved. There wasn't a part of my mind that could even consider the idea that anything could go wrong. It was all very simple- well, kinda simple. In my mind it was a done deal and all was well.

So then, when it was really done, I finally fell apart. I finally was able to look back and think of all the fear I could have had. I finally paused and reflected on just how serious this was. I prayed (more) for angels to come to help my friend heal and realized how weak even my prayers had been before the event. Even in prayer, I was unable to ponder the weight of this thing. I prayed for the patient, for the family, and for the staff. But then, when all was over, my prayers became fierce. When we were out of the woods enough for me to look back and see how frightening they had been, I found my will doubled-up. I had guilt for having not felt that way before. Why didn't I cry sooner? What kept all these feelings at bay? Why weren't my prayers louder, more heart-felt?

But I think I know. I think it was a measure of self-protection and maybe even my Pollyanna holding me up. Of course everything was going to be ok and considering anything else would have been torture. This suspension of emotion allowed me to be supportive and positive for my friend and his wife (who is one of my very best friends). It allowed me to have that strong inner-knowing that everything would work out. I think that, in a way, is a prayer. In my mind and heart, I was showing the Universe that I believed, that I knew that this person would be fine and life would return to strange (being the preferred kind of normal) in no time.

So I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess I don't have to assign good or bad to it. I learned a bit about myself and I did my best to be supportive for friends who have been supportive for me. I let my feelings out, finally, and then felt awful. I took myself to my favorite restaurant for lunch and felt better. Today I am just grateful. I'm grateful for the suspension of emotion as much as for the arrival of it.

The Value of a Person

2010-09-13T12:13:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about what we value in other people. I think there are some scary cultural norms but the real answer varies greatly from person to person. I recently moved to a college town and I've overheard and witnessed all kinds of snobbery based on education, which I find so ironic. I have friends who have prestigious degrees and friends who are professors and they don't seem to judge based on a person's education or lack there-of, but I have some exceptional friends and much gratitude for them.

There are so many different ways we categorize people- education, type of employment, perceived success or achievements. I just wonder what these things really say about a person. I have met so many "educated" people who have routinely proven themselves to be ignorant or closed-minded and really out of touch with reality. I experience the unfavorable looks when I tell people I clean a library, as if that tells them something about who I am. I've seen how I shrink to some people when they learn what I do. You know what? They shrink to me because of that reaction.

I have been at this job for (almost exactly) eight years and in that time I've really struggled with not defining myself by what I do. I work with people who have told me I'm probably the smartest person in the building. I don't know if I agree with that but I'm no slouch. I have a voracious appetite for knowledge and am, therefore, very self-taught. This means that there are a lot of things I know very little about and a lot of things I have picked apart as best I can to figure them out. I think that's true of most people. We learn about what we're interested in. But I am sure that there is not a degree on this planet that makes anyone an expert in anything, and if there were, what's that anyway? Someone who knows a ton about one thing.

Here we go with the circles again. What I'm trying to work out is what is really important, what is really of value in a person? When I think of my friends, the people who I spend time with, the first thing that comes to my mind is an open mind. I have unpopular opinions and a lopsided world-view so I need to hang out with people who will hear that and accept me without the need to agree or disagree. Kindness is the most important thing any of us can carry. It's become almost novel, to be kind in general to those around you. I like people who laugh easily and freely, and who have strange senses of humor. I think authenticity is also hugely important. If you're not being yourself, I don't care who you are. I want to know real people. I don't understand people who put on airs to try to make themselves appear to be perfect. I see this a lot in people who have a lot of money. That sounds judgmental and I think it is so I'll just fess up to that right now. But I have a friend who lives in one of those fancy neighborhoods where all the houses look the same and everyone has to make sure their kids have the same new cool toy as the neighbors. It just goes on and on. There's such an immature attitude that seems prevalent in the whole little community. My friend, an exceptionally sensitive, authentic, and generous person, is miserable and at a loss for how to deal with these people. I know that not all people who have money are like that, but I think somehow in the quest for "bigger, better, newer, more", people forget about what is truly important.

I wonder about that greedy need. What if you had nothing? What if there was no money, no car, no house? Or what if you suddenly found yourself in a crappy "job" (like, I don't know, cleaning) and you had an old car and a rented home? Would you suddenly be a different person? The answer is yes if you defined yourself by those "things" in the first place. I would like to say that I don't judge myself in these ways, that I don't have wants that distract me from needs, but I did grow up in America and I'm not immune to consumerism or to the sad way we evaluate things. I think my awareness of it stops me from really buying into it all, though.

I know that who I am is something (indeed, the only thing) that can never be taken from me. I am a loving, kind person and I do my best to evidence that every day. I am learning to be less judgmental and more patient. I am learning about what really matters to me and how different that is from what the rest of society seems to deem important. I stopped watching T.V. because it's so full of negative messages and feeds low-self-image. I have realized that if I want to be a truly loving person, the most important thing is for me to love myself. I can't afford myself the luxury of sitting back and saying "I'm only a custodian." or "I have no degree and therefore no worth>." because I don't really buy into any of that.

I know that my worth is in what I do and how I interact with the world. It's in how I show up every day. It's in the fact that I'm so content, so happy and feel so blessed to live my life that might, to others, seem like a struggle. I'm aware of the things I struggle with but they're mostly worldly things and are not as important to me as they seem to be to others. I have great friendships. I have a beautiful, amazing daughter. I live in a wonderful house with a gorgeous backyard where I can sit and meditate all afternoon. I live in a cool city where there are tons of fun things to do. I have a sense of awe and wonder at the world that fills me with love and peace every day. I have difficult days when it's hard to find that peace, and then I wake up again and it's there. I am truly blessed and will never be better or worse than anyone. We are all here. We are all one. We are all worthy.

Will You Burn with Hate or Love?

2010-09-09T17:32:00.000-04:00

I feel like I have the same rant building again. This is a different incident but based on the same old ignorance and hate. "Christians" in Florida are planning to burn copies of the Quaran on September 11th?

Because my faith is one that is little-understood by main-stream society, often feared, and almost always misrepresented, I hesitate to criticize any other faith. I have to admit that there is a strain in the general relationship between Pagans and Christians. If you are into religious history, you might guess why. Also many Pagans come from Christian roots so there are sometimes personal feelings involved. That said, if I'm going to criticize, I'm going to be deliberate about where I direct that criticism. There are many Christians in this world who are loving and feel as angry as I do about this. None of this is directed at them in any way.

The people who have organized this "burning" and all those support it are a disgrace to Christianity and to humanity. I grew up Catholic and although they did, I learned we are not supposed to judge. I feel like there is a constant stream of judgment coming from the Christian perspective. In a country where we are supposed to have separation of church and state, why is it we hear the term "Religious Right"? They criticize everyone, if you're not Christian or you're gay or you're a woman who wants rights over her body or even just a liberal (haha), I think they think you're evil and must be stopped. They really and truly believe that their values are right for everyone and we should all just adhere to their way of doing things. There is no appreciation of differences, no ability to see beauty in diversity, no ability to even see humanity beneath faith. It's such a closed-minded and intolerant perspective. I don't really like the term tolerance because it implies putting up with something you don't like and I'd like to think we can do better than that but I'd be happy with a little bit of tolerance right now.

It seems to me that some Christians think that this country was founded on "their" religion, and that "theirs" is the only right way. Even in the skewed history we get, we learned that this country was founded because of the need for religious freedom, and as one of my favorite bumper stickers says, Freedom of religion means ALL religions! That means that we're free here to pray five times a day, or to go to church on Sunday, or to sit out with the trees, or to believe in only science and what's seen. We can express our belief in Spirit in any way we want and we're not obligated to hold any belief at all. That's a beautiful thing! I do not, however, believe that right translates to the freedom to commit blatantly hateful acts.

There is no other explanation for this, it's simply hateful. Again, it implies that these self-righteous Christians believe that "Muslims were responsible for that terrorist act". So every person who practices a particular religion will act in the same way? Considering the behavior of some priests over the past few years, I really don't think we should go there. If someone were to organize a bible-burning, what would the general reaction be? People are acting as if there are sides to be taken on this, just like the masque. Have any of the torch-carrying bigots even read any of it? Of course not! They just know it's evil because it's different. There's supposed to be some symbolism in burning them on that date, as if that holy book is a symbol of the hate that perpetrated those actions. Their anger is the symbol of that hate.

The thing is, that's a sacred text. Just because it's not sacred to everyone, it doesn't lose that quality. To set fire to it in this hateful way (I keep using that word) is a powerfully negative thing to do. The Witch comes out in me again when I think of the consequences that might bring about. I've learned in my faith that what you put out you get back in return. Judging others does nothing but harm. When you are loving towards the world, you get loving energy back. I wonder what energy those people will get back?

The best thing I can do is to turn a blind eye to it. I came, I wrote, I got it out of my system. (well, mostly) I'm still reeling over the wrongness of this. I'm sickened, yet again, by the media and the fact that this should never have been a story as it only instigated more hate and division. (Just doing their jobs.) I'm disheartened by the rampant ignorance and fear that causes division in this country. I'm grateful for my path and my ability to see all the beauty in every path to Divinity or calm. I'm grateful for my ability to step back, forgive, and love it all. I'm praying for peace again and still.

Oasis

2010-09-04T11:30:00.002-04:00

I am not really a city person. I remember when I was little, my grandpa talking about "city slickers" and "country bumpkins". I was definitely the latter. One of the things I was really adamant about when considering moving to my city was that I at least have some green space. I got that in spades and have so much gratitude!

my backyard!

The view from my back porch,
where I sit to let the stuff of the day fall out of my head.

Back up the path...

to The Little House!

American Ignorance Un-Mosqued

2010-08-31T12:15:00.000-04:00

I have a rant today and I have to warn that I have a lot of emotions about this and I do not intend to hold back. That said, if you are angry about the mosque being built in New York, please stop reading this blog and go straight to Hell.

I really thought that as a country we had gotten over the misconception that the tragedy of 9/11 was perpetrated by Muslims. I thought people had gotten over the conclusions they had jumped to and realized how little sense they made.

I have to admit that I have heard of this story through friends and I don't watch the news. This isn't a complicated issue so I feel comfortable writing about it. What I'm hearing: A mosque is being built near the site where the twin towers fell. People are outrageously angry about this. Who are these people? A co-worker told me yesterday that she almost had to walk out of church because during the sermon the preacher was going off about this and basically saying that this was an evil action and surely implying that all Muslim people are evil as well. What a kind and compassionate Christian perspective. I'm sure if Jesus had been there, he would have agreed completely. (You can't hear the sarcasm but it's thick!)

I have a few Muslim friends and they are among the kindest, most compassionate, gentle people I have ever met. I have studied (admittedly not thoroughly) the Islamic faith and it is a very gentle path. The only thing that has ever bothered me about it is that it is a very patriarchal faith. This is NOT unique to Islam. Have you ever met a female priest? How long has it been that women could sit with men in Temple? At it's core, Islam teaches the same loving message as any other positive faith. Blaming all Muslim people for a tragic act committed by people who were clearly not following the tenants of that faith is ridiculous!

Muslim people died in those buildings. Can you imagine that? So there were family members, friends who lost loved ones in this crazy act and then felt not only that loss, but a loss of freedom as everywhere they went, people began to look at them as if they were terrorists. Then in the guise of protection, our government used this tragedy to systematically siphon off our rights. We lost so much more to this tragedy that what was lost on that day. We willingly gave up so much of our freedom and privacy. We lost the cohesion some of us had worked towards. We looked at anyone with dark skin and hair with suspicion. We lost touch with what this country is supposed to be about.

The people who did this came from a very different place. It is my firm belief that these types of actions only take place because of the unbalanced distribution of resources. So people outside of the U.S. hate us? I don't think they hate us personally. I think they live in a place where day to day life is so difficult that it's easy to create hate towards a nation that seems to have everything dangled before them on a silver spoon. I don't even think these people were intrinsically hateful. I think they were taken advantage of and used. They were fed anti-American propaganda and with the way we behave sometimes, we certainly give fuel for that. I'm not saying that I am anti-American or that I condone terrorism by any stretch of the imagination. What I will say is that we don't take responsibility for anything, as citizens. I never hear people talk about what it must be like to live in the Middle East. Why would we ponder that? We have a tennis match to go to and then the kid's baseball game and a cook-out this weekend and the car payment and mortgage to attend to. We'll think of other people another day. Maybe next week, I think I have some spare time on Tuesday afternoon. This is what makes me sick about the culture I've been fortunate enough to have been born into.

I don't wish I was somewhere else. (Well, maybe Canada but they're not perfect either.) I am so grateful to have been born here and I see the gift in it. I know that it was luck, chance, that I could have come into being anywhere on this great round planet. But knowing that, I think I have a responsibility to dwell in gratitude, to carry some compassion for those who were born into less favorable circumstances.

As a good Witch and a loving person I simply cannot abide the ignorance and hate I hear seething around me. Anyone who holds these opinions should be ashamed of themselves. To me, building a mosque in that area is a great way to bring healing. This is a place of worship and of peace. These people want to come here to pray and express gratitude. Would anyone have complained if someone had opened a gun store nearby?

What really bothers me about this is the anger it causes in me. This is not helpful. I have shame over the way my country-mates are acting. I am so pissed off that these hateful, ignorant opinions are being sent around the world in the name of the country I live in! I don't want to feel this anger. I want to be able to forgive people for being such assholes. Maybe tomorrow.

Clarification?

2010-08-25T11:48:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking of the post I wrote yesterday and something about it is bothering me so I'm here to explore that. I think the main thing is that it's so vague. Not a surprise since I don't really have the language yet to express this longing. I see the different voices I write with in this blog and that came from a place that's not very organized. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I don't want to feel as if I have to be organized or proper or correct at all times. I want to be human, unafraid of showing all the colors of this experience.

So what does it mean to me to have a spiritual life-path? It's not a great big, pious sacrifice. I'm not going to live in a cave or join a monastery or a coven. I don't feel I have to change myself to honor this path. My belief is that we all are good, inherently. As such, I don't think I have to "live up to" my aspirations. As a Christian, I always wondered how people could be comfortable "giving their lives up to God" or being "used by God". The reason this sounded so scary to me then was that the Cristian idea of God was so stifling and judgmental. It felt like a life of no fun, no cutting loose, no hilarity or debauchery, only being very "good" all the time. Who wants to do that?

As my beliefs have grown and changed, I see that my joy is a potent way to worship. If I'm dancing and twirling or laughing with friends, that's a great feeling and it feels good for a reason. I don't believe that God wants us to abstain from everything that feels good. I think we're here to delight in every moment that we can. If we can't enjoy ourselves, we aren't learning. We're stuck. Being joyful and showing that helps the world. When you smile at other people, they smile back. It's not something people think of a lot but it's a very powerful thing. A little thing like a smile or a kind word can really change the landscape of someone's day.

So that's what this path is about to me. I may never be in a job that evidences this path, (although I'd like to). It may only be the small things that we all do. I'm already doing those things- when I vacuum at work I try not to suck-up spiders as I remove their webs. Even though I don't have much money, I give to causes I believe in when I can. If I'm in a bad mood, I am aware of it and do my best to not take it out on others. When I'm in a good mood (thankfully most of the time) I try to share that. I do my best to be present with people I spend time with. I try to be sensitive to the needs of others and see things from other perspectives. I always remember that there is more to life than this, that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience. I guess I'm already walking the path, I just didn't recognize it as such.

Maybe in the future my path will show up in planting a community garden or volunteering in my city. Maybe I'll teach classes, write books, give aid and counsel. Maybe it will just be about praying and meditating in my living room. Who knows? Not me, but what I do know is that the most important element is trust. Trust is what stops me from feeling urgency. It's not imperative that I do anything, only that I trust that I will be in the right places, doing the right things, helping in the best way I can. This affords me some freedom and strengthens my sense of purpose. Just like I've always trusted that God was there, I trust that my path will unfold for me in the way that it should. I will be able to make the right decisions. I will be able to do the work. Whatever the world puts before me, I will be able to handle it and act with Love and Trust.

It's About Faith

2010-08-24T13:10:00.000-04:00

I pray a lot. I always have, since I was little. It's become so much a part of my life now that it's almost like hunger, I feel the need. The amazing thing about prayer now is that I get answers. Not always and not complete solutions, but I get nudges in the right direction.

I've recently had a very profound prayer experience and while I would love to share it with the world I don't yet have the words for it. Let's just say I felt/saw/intuited/became aware of something I've never experienced before. I have always believed that as humans, we have so many abilities we don't use. I think we wall-off psychic ability out of fear of exposure and vulnerability. I think we forget our intrinsic connection to everything in the tumult of daily life. I think we lose faith to the machine of complacency. I am so grateful that I've not lost this.

I'm not sure why I have always had such a strong and abiding faith in God. From Catholic upbringing, through Baptist churches, through general Christianity, through Wicca straight into the Witch I am today, my belief in and connection to God have not waned a bit. To me this is the seed of faith. That even as a child, when I was aware that the things the church said were not true to my life, I still believed in God. I must have had some borrowed wisdom then to have known that God did not belong to the church, that God is in our hearts and everywhere.

Over the course of my life, while my connection stayed strong, my understanding of Deity grew and changed. Obviously I no longer think of God as a male. I believe Source is indefinable and genderless, but to make prayer easier on my little human brain, I choose to focus on the God and Goddess as balanced polarities and a complete whole. I have never believed in being "judged" by God, only that our lives lead us down the course we choose to take. When awful things happen, some people get angry at God, as if this could have been avoided and they can't understand why God (who they heard was great and good) would allow them to be in such pain. What people don't take into consideration is that we are all here to learn. If a bad thing happens to you, it is not necessarily a result of something you did wrong in the past. That happens, we sew the consequences of our actions into the fabric of our futures. But often things happen simply because they must. They become our challenges and it's up to us to decide how to grow through them. These are the worst, and maybe most common, times to turn our backs on Deity.

So back to my amazing prayer experience. I had to ask myself why I was shown this, why I received this gift. What had I done to deserve this? I have not been an avid studier of meditation, I have not committed myself to diligent prayer. It took a friend to shine some light on it for me. She told me that I've earned this path through trust. It took a minute but that started to ring true.

Over the past few years, I've prayed a lot about finding my path. I'm so shocked and saddened by the state of the world and it hurts me so deeply. I've been begging for a way to help everyone. I've continually given my life up to Goddess (God, Source...) and offered to do any work that will help. I've said I don't care what I do, as long as I can make a difference, make something right. I can't say that I can see what that work will be, but I do feel as if I've been heard. I feel that my path is opening for me and I can start this work now. I have to keep reminding myself- how many times do I have to quote this?- to BE the change. If I am praying in rapture, if I am confident and believe in the power of Love, if I am positive and believe we can fix this, then those beliefs may just migrate into other open minds.

I don't think I have a point in this post. Maybe it's this: prayer works. Another thing I've learned recently: we can keep anything out of our lives by not being open to it. If we JUST ALLOW, amazing things will happen. You would be surprised. That message- just allow- came to me in prayer a few months ago while I was fretting over something I had to let go of. I surrendered my armor and told Goddess it was up to her what happened, that I would not get in my own way. She delivers quickly!

Rough Draft

2010-08-14T19:20:00.004-04:00

I wrote this poem at the laundry mat yesterday and it may not be done but I want to share it.

At the Washtenaw Coin Laundry

I love this town and all its colors
so many shades of black and brown and tan
on skins and eyes and hair and hands
accents that come from     I know not where
languages lilting lyrical lullabies
myriad mantras
so many gods    all one
All One
cultures not clashing
not shocking me
only calling to my eyes and ears
with whispers of lands I'll never see
secrets of souls
swishes of fabric and whiffs of oil
spices speak sustenance
words awaken wonder
music exciting in mixed-up modes
drifts from windows where
kitchens sit with laden bread
always a table to be filled with old places
a landscape of different
aromas abundant      call back in time
ancestral answers     gifting with grace
a smile touching eyes
gives me welcome without words
human-ness beyond language
beyond any perception
of not-like-me

Hindsight

2010-08-14T03:26:00.001-04:00

I've been contentedly single for quite a while. I needed time to get to know myself and to heal, to think about what went wrong in past relationships. It's always so clear what the other person did "wrong" but it takes a while to see ourselves. Time lends a certain objectivity that, while not always imparting the whole picture, can still be eye-opening and humbling.

Over the past few months my resolve has softened a bit. I think it may be because I have a clearer picture of what I want a relationship to be about. I'm weary of being out here on my own and long for the comfort of an other. That longing doesn't assuage the fear, though. Hesitance, maybe, would be more precise. I know I can see where I've made mistakes but will that stop me from making them again? I need to take a look at what I've done "wrong", or what has not served me in the past.

* I've looked at potential rather than present.

* I've thought I could change people. (What girl hasn't?)

* I've not taken my time.

* I've shut down when things bothered me rather than sharing how I felt. This always causes a rift and the bond just breaks down.

* I've stayed when I should have left.

* I've ignored red-flags.

* I've charged ahead when my deep, true voice told me to stop.

* I've waited around for not-love.

* I've seen what I wanted to see, ignoring what was right in front of me.

* I've taken more shit than I should have.

* I've expected things to change but not done anything to change them.

* I've given less than I should have.

* I've given more than I should have.

* I've lost myself.

So my question to anyone who knows is this: When you are willing to admit all of these things, does it help you to avoid making the same mistakes?

Thank you!

2010-08-12T21:00:00.000-04:00

Thank you so much Yoga Savvy for the award! Her blog is filled with interesting self-questioning and profound thoughtfulness. I always feel a little lighter after having read one of her posts.
I will pass this on too.

Daily Spirit who I only recently started following. Her writing is full of honesty, wisdom, and humility. She has brilliance that shines brighter than I can say.

Pen and Paper finds the most interesting information to share. Her posts let her sweet personality shine through and she always makes me think or laugh.

Pumpkins and Toadstools is one of my favorite witchy blogs. She does so many different types of amazing art and craft projects and shares them, it's truly inspiring.

The Domestic Witch is another favorite witchy blog. If you want to learn more about the Craft, check her blog out! She has so much information and explains everything so clearly.

Unwinding Self has a wonderful yoga blog that's much more than yoga. I find the most beautiful poetry there and lots of honesty and openness.

Thank you all so much for writing and sharing! You're truly beautiful!

Bittersweet

2010-08-10T13:07:00.000-04:00

I was just pondering whether everything sweet in life has a bitter element as we get older. Even a new romantic interest is a different experience in your thirties than in your teens. You come to that person feeling, maybe, broken, or at least a bit worn-down. They come to you the same. We get hurt and after years and relationships and disappointments, we don't see the possibility of something new in the same rosy light. In fact, a part of us is scared to death of it. 'Why get that close to someone again? Don't you remember how much it hurt last time?'

Maybe I'm slipping away from my usual idealism into much-avoided cynicism, but it's just how I'm looking at it in this moment. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it's really a reflection of the experience of life. To me, this wakes up my feelings of longing for presence. My own presence in a moment, and the presence of the people I spend time with. I think I am starting to understand why so many spiritual traditions stress being "in the now". The only real way to experience great joy in this life is to really be doing what you're doing. At any given time we could be fraught with worrisome thoughts of bills, health-issues, work stress, friend's problems, the list goes on and on. There is always something that is out-of-alignment or difficult in life. True joy must only reside in the act of being totally, yet effortlessly focused on whatever the task is at hand in that moment.

I am not, however, a Buddhist monk or an experienced Yogini. It seems strange to me that it takes so much training and effort just to stop our minds for a few seconds. This is telling me that I need to start practicing meditation again, and soon! That's the only way I've found to consciously quiet my mind. I think as I learn more and more about how the world is set up, I need more and more to have a safe space inside. I need to put it all in a different perspective. I need to "take a few steps back, put on a wider lens". _Ani DiFranco, Everest I have to see the big picture and, thereby, simplify everything. Really, I need to re-write the story of all-that-is till I can digest it properly and put it in terms I can deal with.

My problem is always wanting to change everything. I've ranted about this before. I see the whole world and I forget that it's my life, my world I need to worry about changing. Little as it is, I really do believe that change for me affects the rest. I can't get out into the world and make great change if my own life is out of sorts. I need to put my pieces together in order to find the stability and peace I need to generate the ability to help others. I feel like I'm writing in circles again. That's ok, I like circles. They always bring me back to what the heck I'm getting at.

So I'll take the bitter with the sweet. I'll be willing to be brave, again and again, if it means I can move forward. I'll take on each moment and be present with however many I am able. I'll see that the sweet always outweighs the bitter. I'll let my cynicism slink back into pragmatism, retaining my idealism. How many isms does a person need? No matter, I just have to keep writing. Keep breathing. Keep loving this world. Keep knowing how beautiful it could be. Keep seeing how beautiful it is. Keep praying and feeling Love as the answer to everything. Keep letting the fear go, no matter how often it returns. Keep knowing that I'm on track, even if I can't see my way. I'll keep putting my weird thoughts out there to see if I'm the only one.

"One breath at a time is an acceptable plan, she tells herself..." -Ani DiFranco Tamboritza Lingua

It's About Sex

2010-08-09T15:11:00.000-04:00

Why I'm a Witch

I've always wondered a bit about the things we consider "bad" in this society. Like curse words. They're just series of sounds, letters lined up in a way that is offensive to some people. They seem to have some power because they're considered insolent. When we're young, we learn that masturbation is "dirty" and "gross", even though babies do it in the womb. It is natural, healthy exploration of our own bodies. I came from Catholic stock and most people know the Catholic view of sex. It is for procreation only and NOT EVER for fun or connection, or even to express love. So then the fact that it feels good to our bodies and our hearts is just some temptation we're supposed to try to combat? We're supposed to deny the inherent beauty in this? No thank you.

I've always felt, instinctively, that if two people love one another, (regardless of gender or marital status), and are consenting adults in a loving relationship, who come together to share and delight in their bodies, that's a beautiful thing. It's akin to divine communication. And, indeed, ancient Pagans considered sexual acts to be sacred. At Beltane, (May Day), couples would pair up and disappear into the woods to perform sympathetic magic, believing that their love-making would "show" the land and animals the fertility they relied on. In ancient Egypt, in the temples of Isis, priestesses were trained in the arts of pleasure. Men would come from villages nearby to receive blessing by laying with these women. People understood that sharing in this way, in love, was not shameful but was a way to remember how deeply God and Goddess love us. The ecstasy available to us through true love and trust is a glimpse of the energy of the Divine. This is a gift to be held in reverence, not something that should be connected to shame or guilty feelings.

The danger in placing sex in such a negative light is that it loses its importance. It's not something we talk about, except between very close friends and, hopefully, those who we share it with. It feels awkward to explain to our kids how intense and loving this thing can be when all they know of sex is media over-stimulation and that, according to most adults, they shouldn't do it. Is is just me or is this a recipe to ensure most kids will experiment at a young age?

Imagine growing up in a world where sex- the physical act of kissing, touching, and making love, and loving relationships were considered sacred and greatly revered by all the adults you knew. There is so little we hold collectively sacred that I'm having a hard time grasping for a metaphor. I'm thinking of rites of passage. Or maybe in terms of how decisions affect our lives. We tell kids all the "bad" stuff that can happen if they are irresponsible but does anyone ever tell them about the wonderful things that can happen in their lives if they wait till they're older to have a sexual relationship? Higher self-esteem, richer relationships, less stress, more self-reliance, the freedom of being a kid, a more responsible attitude when they are ready, and of course missing out on all those "bad" things that happen when people aren't safe.

But how do we treat sex, as the "grown-ups"? So many people are very casual about the way they share their bodies. People have affairs, sleep with people they go home with after the bar, sometimes with people they would never consider having a relationship with. This is a symptom of an emptiness. It's present in us all to some degree and we try to fill it with the most spectacular things sometimes. Food, alcohol, work, drugs, T.V., ... The only way to stop the cycle is to start to really connect, and that's not something we need to do as much as it is something we need to allow. If we truly saw ourselves as one, intrinsically connected, would we not have deep respect for every other one? If we didn't feel shame for things we think are "wrong" with us, but saw ourselves a human and beautiful and equal with all the rest, would it not be easier to open up and trust others?

When I came to study the Craft, I found the reverence for love and sex not only felt refreshing, but true. It made sense with what I had always believed. Having this positive view allows me to love myself more fully. I don't have to carry any guilt about my human-ness. This allows me to talk to my daughter in a very sensitive but matter-of-fact way about her body. I'm not uncomfortable with the questions so as I answer I can sense how much information she needs and not over-load her.

As a woman, especially, I have so much gratitude for having found a path that does not admonish my sexuality but celebrates it. This is as much a part of us and our lives as the air we breathe and the food we eat. It's as natural as those, too. (Well, more natural than the food most of us eat lately but you get the point.) Whether we are in a relationship or not, it's important that we honor the fact that we are sexual beings and see that as pointing to our capacity to love. This would be a good place to start to collectively let-go of negative feelings and allow ourselves to remember that sexuality is simply and beautifully a natural part of human life. It's something to reflect on and celebrate.

This has been yet another installment on things I would like to change about the world we live in. Still love it, though, and hope you do too.

Journal Entry

2010-08-06T14:49:00.001-04:00

I've not been posting as often as I would like but it's made me think about the reason I set this blog up. I wanted to share some journal entries. I've been writing on my lap-top more often now because it's faster but I've started forcing myself to write in my journal because I love it and there's something so organic and natural about pen and paper. So, here is a journal entry from a while ago:

8-21-08

I've lately been referring to this time in my life as a "forced state of growth" and in the beginning that's how it felt but now I see that what felt forced was simply my sprout breaking ground and coming out into the sun. I had spent a lot of time buried under things that were holding me down - impeding my growth. I now open my eyes and behold the world at my fingertips. I'm aware that growth is not a state- or that it doesn't happen in a certain amount of time. This is the beginning of me becoming me. Growth is continual - there is no summit, no finish-line. I can grow and learn for my whole life. In fact my life is becoming an awareness of my ability to stay in this space- accepting of who and where I am and loving that but also embracing the incoming - the knowledge and wisdom that life has to offer. Everything I need to heal and grow is being put before me in abundance. Hands to hold when I feel unsteady, shoulders to go to when tears must come, people who have been on-path longer than I have to keep my eyes lifted ever-upward, child-like spirits to remind me to stay little, brave souls to remind me how big we are, beautiful folks whose light shines so brightly to remind me that I shine too, so many ways to see and feel that we are all connected, an easy relaxed view of that so the responsibility of it does not overwhelm, the feeling that all things are doable, the growing knowledge of my own specific needs and so much joy in that, the strong desire to be of service as much as possible, a sense of wholeness I've never before experienced. This is the most exciting time of my life and I could not be more grateful!!

Announcement

2010-08-06T14:49:00.000-04:00

I started a new blog that I thought I should mention. It's for poetry, some of which I didn't feel comfortable posting here. I also wanted to encourage other poets who read at a local cafe to post their work. This is a link to the new blog, check it out if you're interested!

http://bucketofpoems.blogspot.com/

A Poem

2010-08-04T11:59:00.001-04:00

I wrote this recently. I was reading about the origins of the Goddess and how she was considered Sovereign. It inspired me to write in a style I haven't tried since I was a kid. Hope you like it!

Sovereign

She walks out freshly into her
own world, that of her making
virtuously attuned to its every breath
ever entwined, ever open
receptive to the ebb and flow of
each cycle as it passes
intuitively present with every moment
giving graciously all the gifts of herself
never failing to abide by her heart

Non-Professional Writer

2010-08-03T12:06:00.000-04:00

I found myself in a conversation about writer's block recently and I've been thinking about it since. I realized that the reason I don't often struggle with writer's block is that I don't have any deadlines. I did struggle with finishing a particular poem before the reading last week. I was adamant about reading that one and so, felt pressure to finish it. When I did, the anxiety about the reading almost completely dissolved. All was right with the world and I felt brave.
I'm not sure you can have writer's block when you don't have a deadline, but I do notice that I'll suddenly realize one day that I haven't written anything for a few weeks and it makes me nervous. It can be disorienting, like an integral part of me is silent and I'm not sure why. "Muse", I wonder, "you haven't deserted me for good, have you?". Maybe she was just taking a break. Then she'll stop by and won't stop chattering in my ear for days. I love those days, when I'm so busy I can't even remember what all I've written.
I've learned a lot about my process lately. I write when there is something there and I don't try to force it when nothing comes. This is the luxury of being a non-professional writer. So on the days when my hands are sore from writing, when my cat is ready to attack my lap-top, when I've forgotten there are such things as dishes, I am in my element. I feel so alive and so free, caught-up in the flow of life. I'm happier when I write. That is not to say I write about happy things, only that I feel better when I'm trying to express things that are going on inside.
So on those prolific days, I think to myself, "I should just be a writer. Someone should pay me to stay home all day and write things. I don't even care if it's creative. I would be willing to write anything!". But what about that block? Would I be haunted by an absence of words? Would it be possible for me to spend even a moment not-liking writing? I suppose I don't have to worry about that right now. But just in case I find that perfect writing-related job, I'm going to push myself just a bit. I'm going to set some goals and see if I can't help keep my creative fire at least in embers at all times, so that a great fire of insight could be stoked at any moment. If I'm open to that, the Muse may just stay with me.

I Did It!

2010-07-27T11:55:00.000-04:00

Yay! I read in a poetry reading last night! I was very nervous. I feel like I did a good job, though. I got compliments. It was funny, some people told me I seemed really relaxed, like I had done it before but during the first two poems, it felt so surreal. I wasn't sure the words were really coming out. After that, I felt better and by the time I read the last one I was comfy and wanted to read more. I'm so glad I got out and did this. It was a huge and necessary boost in my self-esteem. The fact that I dragged myself up in front of those people, then shared some personal writings, was so brave for me. Then having people tell me they liked what I wrote, that was amazing. It's hard to know what other people will relate to till you give them the chance. This is yet another reason I love Ypsilanti. There were no cool poetry groups in Wixom (where I used to live). The people who came are such a wonderful group. I love listening to the other poets. I'm always amazed- wow! how did she think of that? And the way some people use language is surprising and exciting. It's inspiring and makes me want to work more at writing and think even further outside the box. It's great to be in an inspiring environment that's friendly and supportive. I have big gratitude to this group, to Beezy's for letting us read there, and especially to Theresa who organizes it. I encourage everyone to get out and share your writing. I guess that's what we're all doing here. So another big thank you to anyone who reads my blog!

Poetry Reading Tonight!

2010-07-26T11:40:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone! First I have to ask you to excuse my blog for morphing lately. It may continue to morph till I really love how it looks. Anyone who has tips for personalizing or knows of sites to find templates and things at, please share. But that's not why I'm writing today.
I'm going to be reading at a poetry reading tonight! I've known about it for a couple months and was really nervous for a while. I'm just excited now. I've never done anything like this. The most public I get with my writing is here on my blog. I have to say this outlet has given me a bit more confidence as a writer and also given me a very different approach. I've started really working at writing lately in ways I had not considered before. I edit things sometimes, (yes, that's a big deal to me), and they're better for it. I used to call a poem done once I ran out of words. Now I know I can often come back to a piece and find more to add or remove things that don't fit. I'm also slowly learning to write when I decide to, not only when inspiration hits- because if I coax it a bit, I tend to have more to work with. I compulsively write down every little thing that strolls across my brain because I know that if I let it get away, fewer things will come. It just occurred to me to wonder how I know the difference between the errant thoughts that stumble around in there and the things that want to be written down. It seems to come in a different voice. How do you experience this? How do you see yourself growing or changing as a writer, or in any other endeavor in your life?

How Much is Too Much?

2010-07-21T12:55:00.000-04:00

I've admitted before that I've spent most of my life ignoring the news and political information. This could be considered willful ignorance, (okay, it is), but it's also self-preservation. I'm empathic and sometimes find just being in a store uncomfortable. Too many emotions flying around. It's stressful! When it comes to politics, I find it utterly overwhelming. There is so much involved! History and governmental structure, finance, it's all one big ball of yuck.

But something in me has awoken. I have found this urge to know. I want to know the truth about what governments do- especially my own. I'm not going to find the answers on FOX news, so one night I googled: What is really going on? I found some sites that could be called conspiracy news. I have believed government to be corrupt for a long time. It's kind of obvious if you pay attention, or, apparently, even if you don't. I find myself fascinated now by the things people dig up and expose. I learned about the legal meaning of the word "person" and how that is applied in the UK. I looked it up in my OED and found that the origin makes sense in relation to what I learned.

I decided to look around because I finally wondered why life seems so out of balance. Even in this "rich" country, we all work so hard and have so little time to think. It feels purposeful to me. If we have to work very hard, and still have bills to worry over, dinners to make, houses to clean, etc... when will we stop and look around? Who would notice if the government was ~~heavily influenced~~ run by big corporations? Who would complain when our freedoms are taken away bit by bit? We're all too busy with the day-to-day. We've been raised (in America) to be concerned with and focused on our own lives. The problem I have with that right now is that in my own life, I feel stifled. I crave more time to devote to my spiritual growth. That kind of growth and healing is not encouraged here. Sure I could go to church every Sunday and feel better about what I did all week, but that type of spirituality doesn't fit my life or my heart. I want to pose deep questions to myself and find the answers that are true for me. I want to let go of some of this materialism and realize what's important. I want to "put down all the pressures and feel how I really feel". (Ani DiFranco from Half Assed). There is so much out there working so hard to distract me from myself. So maybe it's this pull that causes us to become narcissistic. We know that our own growth and emotional state should be more important to us. We know that we should have easier access to how we feel, rather than wondering and wandering.

The question I pose to you now, though, is how much is too much? One of the reasons I haven't been blogging as much of late is that I know some people don't want to hear about conspiracy theories and I don't blame them. I spent so much of my life avoiding this type of information. Now I find I'm occasionally immersed in it but I hesitate to talk to anyone about it because I know it can be depressing. And it's depressing for me, too, but I feel like I should know, to some extent, what's going on. Is our government really sending special agents to train terrorists to attack Iran? I hope not. These types of things pop up all over when you watch international news. I'm a little shocked but not as surprised as I wish.

I believe in being the change I want to see in the world. How much do I really have to know in order to make my life, and therefore the world, a more peaceful, loving place? Are we better off when we know less, being un-fettered and un-biased? Is this information making it harder to feel peaceful? I have to answer that and the truth is I'm not sure yet. It certainly makes me feel a more urgent need for peace and balance! It makes me long for Big Magic.

If only I could go to the leaders of Israel and Palestine, look deeply into their eyes, and love them so completely that they fill with love and forgiveness. I know it sounds crazy but imagine with me! If I could be giant, looking down on the world and just say, "Now, now. Put those weapons away and stop fighting. It's time to go home for dinner." and "Oh, those people don't have food. Hey! All you with more than you need, it's time to send some to these people because this is not fair." Ok, ok. I know this is beyond simplification and I probably won't get to be a giant, but do you get the drift? I know so many people insist that "Life isn't fair!", but each time they say that, they reinforce that lack of balance. It's consensus reality again. If you believe it, it will be.

I believe in peace. I believe in balance. I believe in justice. I believe in Love. I believe that each of us is all we need. I believe that we have the answers. I believe we can make change. I believe it's not as complicated as we are told. I believe we can make it fair. What do you believe?

What's Not Different

2010-07-20T13:03:00.002-04:00

I was at a party this weekend and had two different conversations with two different people about narcissism. We talked about the way people will talk endlessly about themselves with no interest in anything else and think they're having a conversation. (The con part of that word means with). Then there are the folks who refuse to see beyond their own noses. You may have a friend who has an annoying habit or destructive behavior. When you bring it to their attention, they fight you in a self-righteous way or walk away, ending the friendship, sometimes returning after a month or two as if nothing ever happened. There is a level of non-reality present in these types of actions. I have to admit to having talked a lot about myself when I was younger. At times I didn't know what else to talk about because me was all I knew. I've also been guilty of looking for some link from whatever conversation I was a part of to my own experience. I think that's natural, too, but it showed me that I wasn't really seeing the speaker. They weren't asking for my experience with whatever it was, they were sharing theirs. It's easy to go through life seeing only as far as our own noses. After all, we experience life as ourselves and that's our frame of reference for everything. But if you've ever sat with someone who really sees you, someone who is totally present with you and what you're saying, you will know that there is no greater gift than presence with another. I've spent nights with friends when we were focused on my life and where it's going. This was not a narcissistic time, it was a time when I was in need of guidance or advice and my friends saw that and had a lot to offer. They shared stories of their similar experiences and thoughts on what I wasn't seeing. The thing we forget when we're so focused on me is that we don't have the whole picture. True objectivity is impossible but we have to strive to attain some willingness to see ourselves and the world through the eyes of others. Or to understand the points of view that oppose ours. If we can't see the whole picture and the reasons people are disagreeing, we don't have all the facts. We can only see that the "other side" is different. That becomes a basis for everything. Different is a lie that breeds fear and hate. Yes, we are all different and thank Goddess and God for that! It would be a dreary world indeed if we all loved to write and had one daughter and two cats and dreams of saving the world. It would be a sad place to live if there was nothing to disagree on. But when will we learn to do our disagreeing with respect? When will we all step out of ourselves and into real life? If a conservative, republican fundamentalist meets a liberal, democratic atheist, odds are they won't have much to talk about. You would think. But lets take a step back. Lets look at these people from a different angle. Let's imagine that they are both fathers of pre-teen girls, they both work as engineers, they both love to watch hockey and play poker. They both love having cook-outs with family and friends. They both hope to travel to Ireland one day. Are they still so different? Now these men might have something to talk about. And that's the thing about narcissism and judgment. When your world is very small, it's easy to believe that your way is the only way simply because it's all you are comfortable with. It's easy to fool yourself into believing you do nothing wrong. When you allow yourself to be the center of everything, some things are going to fly out of orbit and you'll have no knowledge of those things. If you don't look up from your own life, you won't see how much there is out there to experience and learn. None of us has it all figured out. If someone had all the answers, the world would be a different place. Clearly not a single person has the power or the knowledge necessary to bring balance to this world. So what would happen if we started to listen, I mean really listen to one another? What could we do if we stopped fighting, stopped looking for the "different", and started agreeing on anything. Can we agree that a large percentage of people would like all wars to end? Can we agree that it's not ok to allow people to starve? Can we agree that domestic violence is NOT ok? Can we agree to protect one another and stand up for what's right? Can we agree that what's different is what makes beauty and what's the same is what holds us together? Can we say that whatever we are told we're fighting for is not worth the lives lost to the fight? Can we agree to re-evaluate our priorities? Can we agree that we all want to be seen and feel loved? Can we agree to stop hating, stop fearing that which is outside of ourselves? Can we agree to start loving what is inside ourselves? It might be a lot easier to love ourselves if the whole world wasn't so busy telling us what's wrong with who we are. We're too fat, too frivolous, too gay, too honest, too intelligent, too pretty, too ugly, too funky, too adamant, too lazy, too busy, too serious, too sure of ourselves, too insecure, too human. Seeing everything as other-than is like an insidious mental illness. It's our need to make sure we're "in the right" and somehow better-than. What prize do we think awaits us for being right? Will we feel good at the end of our lives knowing we kept all that seemed to be different at bay? Will we be glad that we never let anything new in? Will we feel big knowing how small we've made others feel? Will we want to sit and listen to our own stories when others have heard them all and tire of them? Will we learn to forgive and to be open? How have you been narcissistic? Where is the line between self-exploration and narcissism? Does your self-reflection help others? Are you willing to admit when you've been wrong? Where is the path to 'different is good'? Will you sit with someone and really listen, become transparent for them so their story comes out whole? Will you feel the gift in that?

Relay for Life

2010-07-05T13:39:00.003-04:00

I love my town! I recently moved to Ypsilanti MI and will write more about my great city in the future. I live near a park where a lot of local events are held so we get to listen to the music all summer. A few weeks ago, the Relay for Life came to the park. I love this event! If your life hasn't been touched by cancer in some way, you're very fortunate. This is a beautiful fund-raiser that is very community-based. There was such great music and such a wonderful energy in the park that day! I watched them into the night, battling fatigue and mosquitoes, walking still when I went to sleep. I was very moved and went inside and wrote this poem:

Just Before Midnight

Amid the song of a soulful night bird

and the scent of a damp, happy willow

across the sound of the Huron gliding by

I watch

On a path encircling the park

surrounded by luminaria

they walk

They walk for their family,

their friends, themselves

for memory and the chance of anticipation,

for dreams cut short and those made possible

The path beneath their feet,

on any other day like any other path

is, for this time, a sacred space of healing and unity

it's a circle of community

of shared grief and triumph

of support and understanding

of true empathy

This walk is for warriors

these are people who live life up-close

and with eyes wide open

because they know how fleeting a gift this is

and how graciously given

These are warriors of grace and vulnerability

who know what it means to love ferociously

the strength that takes, and that which it gives

They have come here through moments

of intense contemplation, through new

rearranged priorities, with changed

worldviews, and open hearts

They bring colorful tents and coolers

are served midnight pizza

have music to move them along

but my favorite is the laughter-

that audible evidence of joy

shared one to another

These warriors come here as

humanity at its best

they come to do for others

to raise awareness and give voice to the silent

to celebrate life, having learned what that really means

They come with faith in themselves

and in one another

because they know they can make a difference

and they do.

*Added 6/16/10- If you know anyone who takes part in the Relay for Life, please feel free to copy this poem and share it with them. It's a small thank you from me to everyone who participates in this great event.

Movie Night

2010-06-24T12:23:00.001-04:00

   I don't generally watch tearjerkers but I watched Michael Moore's Capitalism: A Love Story last night and I cried the entire time. Seeing people getting thrown out of their homes, homes that had been in their families for generations. Seeing people out of work with no notice. Seeing the people who prey on those lost homes. It was all so sad. One of the things that surprised me was the fact that, even though I have usually kept my head down when it comes to things like these, I actually had a pretty clear idea of what went down.
    The stock market and the real-estate market crashes, these were not accidents. It's so vile to think that these were orchestrated and that people profited on these losses. I remember when the stock market fell apart but I don't remember anyone telling us exactly what happened to cause that problem. All we knew was that our savings, retirements, nest-eggs, our plans were suddenly pulled out from under us along with our security. Then the banks had the nerve to ask the government for money. Our money. After they had done so much to loose it all. When the bail-out was first proposed, I knew it wouldn't go back to those who had lost everything. I don't understand how this happened but it was the expected course. When we stood up and shouted, "No! Don't bail those banks out!", congress listened. They voted it down. Then got pressured into going forward with it anyway. There were no restrictions. The banks were not instructed to give back the money they lost. They weren't even asked to report on what they did with it! It was like giving a 16-year-old a great car, watching him crash it and then giving him another, just as nice. But the kicker is that this crash was constructed. I'm not sure what would possess a person to devise a way to steal so much money from an entire country. Especially since, undoubtedly, the persons behind this mess were already some of the world's elite. What I do know is that they got away with it and it makes me sick.
     I've not been learning about the political climate or financial structure of our country for very long. I've kept my head in the sands of self-preservation for most of my life. This stuff hurts me on a very person level. It's a reflection of what I talked about in the "Being and Aquarian" post. What's happening to the country and the world can often affect me more deeply than what is happening in my own life. I don't think I'm the only person who experiences this. So all of this outrage, all of this information that angers me so, only leads me back to that constant question simmering below the muck of what is: Why? Why has this gone on for so long? How did it get so corrupt? Why haven't we risen up to make right? And I think of the 60's. Those people who rallied and protested had real faith. They believed that this was their country and that it was supposed to work for them, not the other way around. They believed that by raising their voices and signs, they could get others to understand their position, gain support and momentum. They knew right from wrong and they were prepared to fight with all they had to shift the status quo towards health and sustainability. This sheds a little light on where our complacency comes from.
     My neighbor was talking recently about the differences between the social climate in the 60's and the 70's. The 70's brought about a real distrust of our government and that's no big surprise. The didn't listen to us! We worked SO hard and very little changed. Then we sidled into the 80's and some weird fluorescent version of the American Dream emerged. We only wanted to have a nice house in the suburbs, a car, 2.5 kids, maybe a dog, and cooler toys than our neighbors. It became all about being a Jones. How many social causes were active in the 80's as compared with the early 70's and 60's? It was like they just had to hold out and eventually we would quiet down and go back to keeping the hamster wheel spinning.
    Back to the movie, since I'm not sure the point. I keep coming back to a scene near the end. Michael is sitting with a priest and he asks- directly from his inner child- why we haven't changed things. He says that in a country so great, with so many resources and so many great people, why haven't we found a way to not go to war, to stop the grip of Capitalism as it is surely going to be our ruin, to provide health care. Simple things. That's what I want to know.
     I realize that the world is very convoluted. We seem inextricably bound to the structures we've created in terms of government and finance. But somebody, or many somebodies out there must see a clear path out of this insanity. When Jimmy Carter said in 1979 that we needed to readdress our priorities, he was dead on. We've lost or misplaced one of the things that makes us human beings, our compassion for and connection to other humans. Money and power have blinded many of us and the rest of us are so busy trying to make ends meet that it's hard to find the time to look up and see what's real. I'm only starting to learn and I won't look too closely because I refuse to let them make me believe that it all makes sense.
    If I had a platform, I would call for a global strike. We need to stop. Stop making, stop buying, stop chasing and looking for 'things'. We need to stop and sit and think together. I know how crazy that sounds but we're capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for. We don't need to be policed by laws and politics, we need to figure out how to formulate a world where everyone is cared for. If there is balance, there is no reason for crime. If we are all seen and heard, if we all are considered to be of equal value, with equal votes and fair shares, then we will have finally found a stable foundation on which to build a strong society. As unlikely as this eventuality is, I believe in it. It know there are enough of us who care, who want something better, and who see through the veil of "Everything is fine, just watch some more T.V.".   Everything is not fine. The most I can do from my little life is to live with love and hope. I wouldn't get so angry if I didn't love this place so much. I'm going to do my best to let go the anger and lead with love. Fighting things tends only to perpetuate those things. I'm going to love as loudly as I can and hope that others will take up that call. Maybe we can love some sense into this world!

Searching for a Heart of Gold

2010-06-21T20:19:00.000-04:00

I've written a lot about things I'm very passionate about but not much about my emotional life. For some reason today I feel drawn to share something I've been thinking about that brings up a lot of emotion.

I've been single for a little over six years. I was, I guess, a serial monogamous since adolescence. It seemed no matter how a break-up went, within months I was un-single again. I didn't have a lot of relationships, but several long term. I always seemed to start living the man's life, in terms of hobbies and friends. I so wanted to spend time with him that I would become involved in whatever he was interested in. I've been a fan or observer of everything from motor-cross and wrestling to Star Trek and RC cars.
   This is the first time in my life I've been single for any length of time and it's really grown on me. I've taken the time to learn more about myself and what I like to do. I've learned about my needs when it comes to relationships of all kinds. I've remembered how much I love to be alone. I've developed and cultivated lasting and meaningful friendships. I've learned a lot more about the world, both the outer and the inner. I've found some semblance of contentment within. I would love to say that I love myself fully every moment and that I'm always the best Witch I can be, happy and smiling and helpful but that's not true. What is true is that I've found a kinder baseline. I've found a space within where I know that I'm ok, where I remember that I love myself. I've found a much closer relationship with Deity and the love I feel flowing through that helps sustain and fuel me in difficult times.
I've also spent a lot of time considering the type of partner I would like. I've slowly cultivated a clear picture of what a healthy relationship will look like. I've asked myself a lot of tough questions about the things I've done in past relationships that have caused me to lose myself. I've become comfortable on my own, shedding that quiet feeling that I was somehow less valid without a man. I've also thought about what would be important to establish for myself before becoming involved again. This is where it gets sticky.
I see the perfectionist I try to deny when I look at my expectations. I feel the need to shed all bad habits, a few pounds, and have all the things that feel unorganized organized. I tell myself I should be practicing Yoga and meditation more regularly, exercising too. I should have a better system with my house so that I don't get behind in cleaning, laundry, dishes etc... Sometimes I even think I should have a better job. If you haven't already guessed, I'm trying to call myself on my own shit.
   Yes, it's important to feel like your life is in order when entering a relationship. However, exactly how "together" can a single working mom's life feel? I may be amazing some days but I'm not Superwoman. And I see myself making very slow progress in some of these areas. When I ask myself why that is, I realize it has a lot to do with lack of time and energy.
   I'm beginning to fear that I'm making excuses to stay single. The only reason I am even entertaining these thoughts today is that I've recently had a welling up of feeling for that not-yet-met guy out there and I realize that I really miss having an other. I wonder if it might be a little easier to manage my life if there was someone else I could count on to help me through it. I have wonderful, supportive friends but there is something so unique in the support that comes from a partner. There is something about being held by a loved one that is so deeply healing.
    Then some bully related to my inner perfectionist tells me that this is weakness. It's weak to expect a man to come along and "rescue" me or make it all better. There is something to that. I don't want to be dependent. I do, however, want to slowly build a strong co-creative partnership. The question seems to be: Am I ready yet?
    While driving home from work today, pondering whether or not to even write this post, I was listening to CBC Radio 2 (love!) and they played "Heart of Gold" by Neil Young.

"I want to live,
I want to give
I've been a miner
for a heart of gold.
It's these expressions
I never give
That keep me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old..."

Neil Young was not yet thirty when he wrote this song. It made me think about how, in the search for 'the one', we can start to feel old. Sometimes I feel worn thin. I guess it's just a good expression of loneliness, something I've denied even to myself.
As I read the first lines, "I want to live, I want to give", it woke me up to the fact that it's not just what I miss having that makes me miss someone I haven't met yet, it's those things I so yearn to share. I want to nurture and teach and learn and laugh. I crave balance. I look forward to creating something I've not yet experienced with someone who is like-minded.

I apologize for the circular rambling nature of this post but my mind (air) tends to be much more organized than my heart (water). If you have any thoughts, please feel free to stick a hand out to catch this revolving door.

Happy Summer Solstice!!

2010-06-21T12:23:00.001-04:00

Why I'm a Witch

One of the things that immediately felt so right when I first studied the craft was the holidays. Our Holy Days equally divide the year, hence the term "The Wheel of the Year". I love this for so many reasons. First it underscores our connections to nature and the passage of time. These are not arbitrary days. If we start today on the Summer Solstice, we know that this is the longest day of the year, the day with the most hours of daylight. Exactly opposite this holiday, we have the Winter Solstice or Yule which is the longest night of the year, the day with the fewest daylight hours. The Sabbats that fall between these two are the Vernal (Spring) Equinox known as Ostara and Autumnal Equinox known as Mabon, being the days of the year when there is an equal amount of sunlight and darkness. There are four other major holidays that each fall between a Solstice and an Equinox. Imbolc falls on February 2nd and is a celebration of the coming sun, a fire festival to celebrate that warmth is on the way. Beltane is celebrated on May 1st in many cultures and is a fertility festival. This is related to fertility of crops and livestock, of humans, and also of ideas and ventures. (Witches always look at the big picture when it comes to symbolism.) Lammas is celebrated August 1st and is the first of three harvest festivals. It celebrates the bounty of the harvest. Samhain, our New Year, is the third and last harvest festival of the year and focuses on our passed loved-ones, taking time to honor and remember them, and often on divination for the coming year.

This is a very broad overview of Pagan holy days. (I hope to go into more detail about each holiday in the future.) There are probably no two celebrations that are alike but there is a common thread running through them each. There is something about celebrating in this measured way that helps us connect to the passage of time, being, hopefully, a little less surprised by it. What I love the most, or what really connects me to these days, is the fact that when these holidays were first celebrated, it was in a time when all people were so much more aware of our dependence on the land, and the sun, and the seasons. In early February, there is no part of me that can sense the coming spring, but thousands of years ago, people were so keenly aware of the rising and setting of the sun that they realized that day as a turning point. I very much honor and respect the ability (I admit, necessity) our ancestors had to live close to the land, having real and lasting respect for our Earth. As much as I love technology and the connectivity it can offer us, there is a part of me that longs for connection to Earth, to the way my food grows, to the passing moments. In a world where we're so consumed with what's happening next that we can't remember our drives in to work, it's nice to re-member a time when life was really all about living!

It's About Power

2010-06-19T22:51:00.000-04:00

Why I'm a Witch

I love being a witch because it has taught me about my own power, and the fact that I am, indeed, a powerful person. I'm not refering to the patriarchal, business-crushing, over-taking, outright taking, self-serving, unthinking, un-fulfilling force we tend to think of as power in this culture. I'm talking about the life-mending, self-healing, earth-tending, nurturing, sustaining, loving, growing, learning, compassionate power inherent in our descision to live for everyone. To live life every day as if you can make a difference, because you can. We all can. To be kind is something that has become almost profound in our society.
When I started to study witchcraft, I didn't immediately sense how much inner-work this would encompass. If I haven't already mentioned, responsibility is HUGELY important in the craft. If you're going to be working with energy and trying to affect reality, you had better have clear and harmless intentions! This is why you hear the rule of three: whatever you send out comes back to you threefold. That should be enough to make anyone think. With every freedom or power, there comes equal responsibility. When you realize that every action, every interaction in your day is what builds the future, you become keenly aware of the importance of walking your talk.
I am not a Witch in circle or ritual or at Pagan gatherings, I am a Witch every moment of every day and I do my best to live up to what that means to me. That's a pretty tall order some days. It means that I love everyone and everything as it is. I see Divine energy in all living things and I believe all humans are my brothers and sisters. I also acknowledge the darkness inherent in all light and, to keep safe and healthy, do my best to avoid people or places that feel threatening. I try to open my vision as I open myself. I make time to spend outside and take time to pray. I know that I'm always growing, that there are always things that need improving, and I love myself as I am and the path this growth allows. I have deep gratitude to an endless list of teachers, many in the craft and many in other traditions. I see the world as a school but I see life as an opportunity to make our world better. If right now that means working on my self, I can see the power in that, as I know the ripples my healing will create. In that vain, I have great gratitude to everyone in the world who is working to better themselves, who is working to heal, who is learning, who is kind, who is becoming every day...

Being an Aquarian

2010-06-10T12:29:00.002-04:00

Why I'm a Witch

I remember reading that one of the usual qualities of Aquarians is that we are aloof and can be cold and dis-connected. I wanted to say, "No, that's not me!", but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it can be very true. It seems that my subconscious has the ability to withdraw and cut-off from any situation that starts to feel dangerous - especially emotionally. I've been aware of that for several years and I think I've found a flip-side to that coin. I can clam-up quickly in a protective fashion when dealing with personal things, but when it comes to the interactions of the whole world, of humanity as a whole, I am utterly bare nerves.

Ani DiFranco has a poem called Self Evident which is about the 9/11 tragedy. Every Single Time I listen to that poem I break down. It's almost as if I feel every bit of sorrow and horror that accompanied that day, along with all the pain and fear we have felt about it since. There's this open channel that allows the pain of Everyone to come through my heart, and perhaps it's a type of healing. Perhaps, as these things are felt and worked through by individuals, the collective consciousness heals a little each time.

I'm not sure what this means in my life yet, but if I can be of service by helping to transcend pain, I'm more than up for it. I was also thinking about the way we tend to try and define ourselves, how we look for what makes us "stand out" from the rest. What if we thought, instead, about what part of the whole we are? We're certainly all individuals and very unique, but that shouldn't make us feel separate.

For me, working with the Craft has shown me a multitude of ways to connect, to remember to be humble and to work towards healing things NOW, HERE, on THIS EARTH. I'm not here to try and appease or impress some far off idea of Deity, I'm here to help co-create a world like we've never even imagined. Here, now, in this life. I believe in peace and love and brother/sister hood. I believe in ONE, in ALL. I believe in the potential of each and every one of us to do something great that will, in some way, help all the rest. I have been fortunate enough to learn the way to commune with nature, with Deity in a way that feels personal. It is possible to make these changes. When people say that intention is powerful and that thoughts are things, these are not concepts to be taken lightly! We are literally making the world we're living in. It's called 'consensus reality' because, by consensus, we've agreed to this. Then we wonder why there is suffering, war, hate, rape, hunger, why there are so many have-nots. It's because we've grown up here and we've let ourselves believe that this is the way it is and it's too difficult to change. We feel powerless. We think it will take too long, there are too many things in the way, we're too small to affect change. (At least, these are the things I feel weighed-down by in less optimistic moments.) That belief is a part of consensus reality, ironically. So we believe that this is the way it is and we believe that we are powerless to change it.

I urge anyone who feels dis-content at the state of the world to learn more about the power of thought, intention, the Law of Attraction, The Secret... whatever label you choose, this principle is available in many forms through many traditions. And believe it or not, this is "magic". These are the principles used by witches for centuries to help us through our lives.

Consider that 500 years ago, someone who saw a light-bulb or a car or an airplane would surely have thought it was magic. They had absolutely no explanation of or experience with that type of thing. Now think about our future. If we decide, it could be a place where we can clean up a gulf with focused intention. Where crime and hate are in history books. Where we are capable of things we can't even imagine right now. We're here at a pivotal time in human history and it's impossible to ignore that. I have faith in the light that we each carry within us. I know that our species is very tarnished with greed and plagued by tunnel-vision, but once these tendencies are shaken loose, there is no limit to the things we will be able to do!

I've never heard this version of the poem, it's much more musical, which makes it a little easier to listen to.

Synchronicity

2010-05-31T17:01:00.003-04:00

I belong to an on-line book-swapping club called paperbackswap.com. I highly recommend this site for any other voracious readers. I found a fun book there and ordered it:

I was delighted to find it even came with the word tiles. Most of them were still stuck together but as I took them off the magnetic inner-cover, I uncovered this poem:

morning blossom

summer shower

evening song

you

teach secret love

asknot

how

Wow. Being the kind of person I am, this spoke directly to that part of me that is looking for the way to share my gifts. Teach Secret Love, Ask Not How. It's all within. The little seed is the knowledge that we all ARE Love and that it's a force more powerful than any other. We can re-member the way to live in love, in loving ways, with compassion. There is something bigger that Love can do. Some deep, integral healing that can take place. It's illusory to me, or just slippery. I can sense it but I haven't yet experienced this. It must be coming soon!

FOUND: Home

2010-05-26T22:59:00.000-04:00

Cozy, made just for you

Warm and inviting at the end of the day

Safe and sacred, peaceful and calm

Your place to heal, and learn, and play!

* * *

I move into my house in February and I recently finished un-burying my living/bed room. I can't express the joy at having home again. Even more, having home in a way that feels so much more mine, more "right" than the place I moved from. I am truly blessed and I get to live in a beautiful reminder of that.

Childhood Wisdom

2010-05-23T22:29:00.000-04:00

I just had to share this. I watched it and cried the whole time. This 13 year old girl is expressing my frustration and world view so well! It's moving and motivating. I'm one of the "grown-ups" now. What do we do to start to fix this stuff?

There are more of us than you think.

2010-05-10T12:06:00.001-04:00

Why I'm a Witch

I spent most of my weekend at the Michigan Pagan Festival and despite pouring rain and bitter wind on Saturday, it was lovely! I got to meet a woman, (Edain McCoy), who wrote several books that I use often. I met Grandmother Elspeth, (the Crone on the Road), and had a chance to soak up some of her wisdom. I saw a lot of faces that were familiar from Convocation, (another pagan gathering that took place in February). As I've come to expect from the Pagan community, it was a very light-hearted and friendly atmosphere.

There was a time, when I first began studying, when I felt as though I was a witch alone. I connected to the system of magic and to the Pagan idea of Deity through books and articles. Then I noticed that one of my favorite stores in Ann Arbor, Crazy Wisdom, was offering a monthly gathering called Witches Night Out. So I went. It was at this gathering that, over time, I met the three beautiful women who are now my circle sisters. Month after month, more people gather and talk and share. Many people who come are very new to the craft or haven't even decided whether this is the path for them. Everyone is welcomed. We do our best to help people find books that might suit them, and offer our own stories and cautions. You hear a lot of, "If something doesn't feel right to you, don't do it!". What I see time and again is that while we're more than happy to see people coming to this path and becoming a part of our community, we also always keep in mind that this path is not for everyone and there is never any pressure to stay, only encouragement to learn more before making any decisions. There is this pervasive idea that everyone is welcome to participate to the degree that they feel comfortable. We tend to be quite sensitive people and most Pagans I have met know what it's like to be pressured or to not be accepted. Sometimes these are the things that lead people to this path in the first place so we do our best to make sure our community is one that is nurturing, safe and welcoming, as well as being open-minded, flexible, and sometimes quite eccentric.

So if you imagine a Pagan gathering as a bunch of wild people dancing and singing, wearing lots of jewelry, robes, and capes, well, you're not that far off. Pagans are imaginative people. We know that the imagination is a powerful thing, not only as a tool to visualize positive change, but also as a vehicle that can take us from where ever we are now to any place we can think of, and that's a powerful thing. Children are often mislead to believe that imagination has no value, it's a waste of time to sit there and daydream. But where would we be if our great inventors didn't sit and stare into the distance, creating in their minds the things that have become indispensable to us? So we understand the value of dressing up, of letting our hair down and dancing, singing, drumming...

There are so many wonderful ways for us to play and that's what we do when we get together. We have classes where our elders impart wisdom, ignite curiosity, provide support and guidance, and sometimes issue challenges. We talk about what we can do to make the world a better place, then we put those plans into action. We share the joy we feel at being a part of everything, and our enjoyment of the Earth and of Nature.

And yes, there are certainly more of us than you think. Pagans are nurses and school teachers and librarians and custodians and engineers and architects. They work in construction, in offices, in hospitals, in just about every field you can imagine.

I feel so proud to be a part of this community! I've never seen a group with a more solid foundation of mutual respect and trust. Most of us are so accustomed to hiding our jewelry or holding our tongues in certain situations that when we all come together, it's like a weekend-long sigh of relief at being able to just be ourselves with no sidelong glances or snide remarks. I guess that's why I'm working at this. I want people to know why I'm a witch and what that means to me because I feel that if more people knew, it would slowly become more accepted. It breaks my heart that we feel the need to hide this most important part of who we are. Especially when it's this beautiful community that has welcomed myself and so many others without judgment or expectation. And when we so rarely stand up for ourselves. We're so concerned with how people react to pentacles that many of us don't wear them in public- because we are respectful. We know how our faith is viewed by the general public so we choose to stay pretty much under the radar and move in our own circles. I love our community and I love the events we share. These weekends are like time out of time for me and I will always cherish them. I guess I just wish the world at large were more tolerant and accepting. We could help out more, make more of an impact if we weren't busy hiding who we are.

Yet another poem

2010-04-30T20:26:00.001-04:00

Well it's the last day of April, National Poetry Month, so I thought I'd post one more poem. Then I'm going to get back to the "Why I'm a Witch" series because I've been working on that too.

Excuse me but have you seen
laying around anywhere
I'm looking for yesterday
and I can't seem to find it
but I just had it so it can't be far

I thought of looking for last summer
but realized I didn't even know where to start
I glanced around for last week but
yesterday

Yesterday I had one of those moments where
for a time, everything feels perfect
and I wondered, since I just had it
yesterday
shouldn't it still be here somewhere?

A delving poem

2010-04-27T17:14:00.000-04:00

of all the voices of me, all the trains: inner-critic, inner-child, inner-wild-woman, inner-any-human-ness...
of all the moods, personalities that arise,
is there one that is most me,
most true to my authentic being?
or is it only in the fleeting moments when
for a breath
something outside of these
bears witness to them
there is the collective sigh
i am none of these

A brand-new poem

2010-04-25T23:54:00.001-04:00

I usually work with a poem, or at least read it over and over for quite a while before I share it outside of my close friends. I wrote this last night and I really enjoyed it, I hope you do too!

All my poetry

is Goddess poetry

everything I write is

witchy

cause that's how I move

there is no separate

for me from Her

walking hand in

wispy voice

that curls deep inside

with a purr and sigh of knowing

that all is well

that all is right with what is

there she is settled in my soul

like a tiny reflection

Objects may be closer than they appear

of the beginning of time

swirling with all I've ever known

all that's been known

and swollen with the unknowable

pulsing with the tide of

so much

life

energy

breath

air

blood

water

movement

earth

fire

of every star

of so many distant

and unfamiliar

yet brothers

sisters to what i see

but being so much

still soft She is

curled, lying there

like an infant

after a millennial nap

blinking in comfort

ready to stretch

and try her voice

Women on the Edge of Evolution

2010-04-19T12:23:00.000-04:00

This Saturday, at 11 a.m. PT, (2 p.m. EST), Alanis Morissette will be featured on the ongoing web-based seminar Women on the Edge of Evolution.

When this webinar started last year, they planned on doing 14 sessions. There have been more than 30 now and they're amazing! I have learned so much and also heard so many women echo the things I've been thinking and learning and wondering about. I feel so connected to woman-kind through these 'calls'. There have been interviews with some truly legendary women. I encourage all women to sign up for this free tele-seminar/webinar. You can download the talks after they take place or call in and listen on the phone. Go to womenontheedgeofevolution.com to register. It's a truly enlightening and exciting tool.

I have been a fan of Alanis Morissette since her international career began. She will be talking about getting comfortable with holding power. What an important lesson for women today! When we're poised to make so many positive changes, creating compassion and unraveling the patriarchy so that we can find health and sustainability, what better time to learn about being comfortable with our own power? In my own life, this is one of the things that stops me. I know, way down deep, that there is great power within. I know that when I tap into that power, I'll be able to do more to help. So what makes it scary? Lucia Rene did an interview on the Women on the Edge of Evolution and I listened to it over the weekend. She talked about unplugging the patriarchy and how as women, we're raised to believe that we're not powerful (or not supposed to be powerful). There are so many huge gaps in the way women and men are treated and brought up in our society. It's been a source of great confusion for me for most of my life. The more I have tried to define myself, the more I see that I have to move away from a consensus reality expectation of how a person "should" be. And then, to be truly free, I start to move away from definition at all. That's a toughie. When I've been trying most of my life to have some way to say, "This is me.", and really mean it, I find that words fail essence. We could all write a book, trying to explain what we think we're all about. And every day we could write a new forward and explanation for the lines we'll have to edit.

One more poem

2010-04-16T11:31:00.000-04:00

nothing ever touches anything else

not really

but right now

our electrons are

powerless

to repel one another

because you've invaded

you have entered

you've been invited into

the space that my body occupies

i sigh

i smile

physics shrugs

Another Poem

2010-04-16T11:17:00.000-04:00

Well kids, we're half way through National Poetry Month so I thought I'd post another poem. I don't think it has a title yet.
*
*

Why am I so damn raw

exposed nerves crackle

like the backs of my eyeballs

floating on the surface

of the thought I just had

or the song I'm listening to

why does everything want

out right now

without even identifying itself

as it squeezes through my lids

why do I feel as if I'm

holding my heart hostage

and what am I waiting for

what are my demands

do I have any plans

if I get away with this

hostage situation

I'm no good at negotiation

I'll just wait down at the station

till the whole thing is resolved

leave it up to someone else

to see my problem solved

but the problem is there's still that part

my pumping, bleeding, aching heart

it seems wrong to just leave her there

saunter off without a care

but how much am I willing to give

without the promise that I will live

and how much is really at stake

if the battle's more than I can take

which pieces will I walk away with if I loose

is it a crap shoot, or can I pick and choose

are there things in my heart I can't do without

creativity, empathy, my smile, my pout

looks like I have to suck it up

and work this thing out

but I don't believe in war so is there another way

we could coax my heart and humor her,

convince her to come away

from the me who would harm her

we should probably disarm her

she's the one who started all this

standing there raging with balled-up fists

I just need to convince her to step back into me

put down the heart, and just let it be

Witches and Responsibility

2010-04-15T12:22:00.000-04:00

A third post about why I'm a witch.

I think there is a very misunderstood view of how witches function in the general public. Again with the Hollywood thing. Some people really believe we can levitate things and clean our homes with a wave of our wands. We wish! There also seems to be an assumption that witches can 'curse' people or make someone fall in love. While it's true that study and practice may lead to the ability to do these things, in the process of that study and practice, we learn again and again why we're better off not trying things like that.
I mentioned before that Wiccans and Witches are different. Not very different. Wiccans have more dogma and a more religion-based practice, in my view. There are a lot of divisions or types of Wicca. Dianic, Fairie, Celtic, even Christian Wicca. There are so many more. In these traditions, there are certain ways of doing things. There may be rituals that use the same words and movements every time. The participants hold similar beliefs. There are covens or circles and often a hierarchy. As a witch, I don't participate with these groups but I do identify with them to some extent. My spiritual beliefs are best represented by these religious paths.
The only real difference is that I take from all positive traditions (Wiccan and others) and I am not limited in what I do. It's perfectly acceptable for a solitary witch to do a ritual that is Native American or Buddist or Hindu or any combination of any faith.
The one thing we all seem to agree on is the Wiccan Rede. Those eight little words,: "An it harm none, do what ye will.". This is deceptively simple. It tells us that as long as our actions do no harm, we should feel free to do what we want. Someone could say, well, it would make that guy happy to fall in love with this girl so that should be fine, right? Wrong! The major thing we keep in mind at all times is free will. It's simply manipulative to use magic as a way to try to start a relationship. If it works at all, the outcome will be disastrous. Some people even recommend asking permission before doing a healing ceremony for someone. At first I didn't understand this. Of course we all want to be healthy, right. But we can't forget that sometimes people are ill and it's a part of their karmic path. Maybe there is a reason for the thing we feel we should change. It' very humbling because it makes you realize how little we know about why things happen and what life is really for.
Another important aspect of Harm None is that it includes ourselves, so outside of our magical practice, it's important for us to take self-care very seriously. Witches aren't only witches when we are in a circle, we're witches 24/7. The same goes for every Wiccan, Witch, or Pagan I've ever met. It's similar to Native American practice in that way. There isn't division between our spiritual lives and our everyday lives. Instead, our spirituality imbues every thing we do. Integrity and will power are very important, as is a benevolence towards everything that is. We see everything as sacred. The natural world was not only made by God and Goddess, they are present in us and in every rock, blade of grass, animal, bug, person, flower, cloud... Everything deserves our respect and kindness. This is why so many Pagans are very eco-conscious. Not only do we care about our world and its future, it is absolutely sacred to us. So Harm None takes on a whole new and broader meaning when we have this world view. Littering is causing harm. Unkind words or looks cause harm. Judging others causes harm. Being selfish causes harm. After time we realize that it's impossible to walk this Earth and not cause any harm at all so we work to do the best we can. Because constantly kicking ourselves when we misstep -you guessed it- causes harm.
It's a very gentle world view, I think. When I feel at my witchy best, I absolutely exude love. I feel compassion for the whole world at once and also for every being on it. This is what the craft is teaching me. And considering that most magic done for others is either manipulative or (if they ask you for it) something the person should probably do for themselves, the best use of magic (for me) is self-healing and blessing. Everything I do, I do "for the good of all at this time" and I ask God and Goddess to see that my actions or the energy I direct is only used in good and helpful ways. Because we're humans, we make mistakes. I like to know that whatever work I do, it's been "okayed" in a way by Deity. Maybe I play it safe but safe feels good. Even though I've been a witch for almost 10 years, I still feel like a student, like I'm totally new at this. That's a refreshing feeling and another thing that fosters humility. I think that's one of the best things we can invest in at this time. Humility and compassion for others could help make some big changes in this world gone astray.

And another thing

2010-04-02T12:49:00.000-04:00

Why have politicians allowed the world to become this way? We are over-governed in some ways. They seem to want to get into the smallest parts of our lives. But then there are tons of companies out there bilking us for billions. How has this come to be?
     Look at the "health-care crisis" in America today. The truth is that there is no problem with our health care. We have great health care. The real problem is insurance and that is, lightly put, a racket. Between the exorbitant prices hospitals pay (without question or protest) for the smallest of items (and then pass those bills on to us) and the 300% - 1000%+ mark-ups the pharmaceutical companies get away with, not to mention the ridiculous price of health insurance in this country as compared with others, I have to ask again: How did it get like this?
In a country where we don't really trust any politicians, CEOs or bankers, how did they get away with corrupting our systems so thoroughly? Why are companies allowed to make things and sell them when they are made to break down? Remember when people were able to fix their own cars? Not only is that impossible in modern cars, they are also not built to last. Nothing is because someone realized that if people have to keep replacing the crappy things they manufacture, we will keep buying them. So our landfills get full and our wallets get empty. Where is the government to step in on our behalf and say, "Stop making this crap! Create sturdy products or stop making anything!". Well, in one way or another, they're benefiting from this mess. It's really scary to think about the government being 'in cahoots' with such industries as health insurance, big oil, pharmaceutical companies, and big tobacco. If they're all holding hands, who is looking out for the rest of us? Well, it's us. And who will listen to us? Again, I think it's just us.
   So, being basically politically ignorant, I'm at a loss when I try to envision a way out of this. The more I learn about the political system, the more I think that they just keep making it harder and harder to affect any sort of change. And when we do manage to change something, it's always at a loss. Every bill I read about and want to vote on is written in such double-talk and there is always something there to appease the other side or the other point of view, so we really only get a little slice of what we want and sometimes need.
    America is a beautiful and diverse country. It's unfortunate that so much of the world's power resides here. The world looks to us (reluctantly sometimes) to see what direction everything else is going to go. As such, we have a responsibility to show the world what can be done. We need to man and woman up and start to make change. All this bickering between parties and between people is getting us nowhere. There have to be some established goals that we all can agree on. We have to learn to communicate with less emotion so that we can really hear one another. I need to learn a lot more so I can start to piece this thing together because as a novice, I am at an utter loss.
    Maybe we all need deep spiritual practice. Even Atheists. Anyone can meditate. Maybe that would help us. If we had a quiet space inside, maybe we could hear each other there. If we each move through our days with a well of calm inside, the tumult of the world will be less able to rock us. I know that rushing through our days leaves us feeling totally spent and not very reflective. We've got jobs and kids and mortgages and rent and other bills to pay. There are parties and weddings to attend. There are e-mails to return and blogs to write. There are papers and books to read. There are deadlines and meetings and all sorts of things to pull us out of our center. It is a big job to    be here now. That's asking a lot of the human mind- to slow down so we can breath and become aware of our bodies and surroundings.
   Is there a correlation in here somewhere or am I going in circles again? Ok, maybe I am going in circles but I do believe that if I remain centered (and that needs to be learned) I will be more able to respond with love and calm. I will learn to respond rather than react. This is a start.

P.S. Reading Aine Butler's blog The Evolving Spirit helps me every week to slow down for a few moments. One of the many resources out there that helps me move towards peace. Thanks Aine!!

What can I do?

2010-04-02T07:14:00.000-04:00

Wow! A comment I left on Aine's blog really has me shaken, the more I think about it. I asked her for ideas on how to affect change in a loving way. That's so sad! Where are we as a society that we can't envision change coming from a positive, loving action? Is it just me? I truly believe that love is the most powerful force there is. I believe God IS love. So what does it mean when I say that if I can't back it up by believing in the power of love? I see it so clearly in small ways. Or maybe I should say in my smaller environment. When I am radiating love - and I know when I am, everything feels right - the whole world looks brighter. Other people really do appreciate a smile. If you pay attention, sometimes you can even see the ripple effect of your kindness.
     Then there is that big environment, the 'world'. How can social truths translate to the political stage? I have to preface any political discussion with the guilty admission that I have avoided learning about politics for most of my life because it all overwhelmed me. I get frustrated and angry at the way things are. Not only how they are, but how hard it is to change anything. Everything is wrapped in laws and processes. It's all gotten so big, so out of hand.
     I believe that the cause of most suffering and war on this planet is the un-balanced distribution of resources. If every country had enough food and water and their basic needs met, there would not be a climate that lends itself to terrorism. These are things people resort to when they're desperate. When they feel they have nothing to lose. When they feel nobody is hearing them. Then they are taught about America and all the abundance and 'decadence' we live in. Truth told, I'd be angry too. Simply because of where we were born, we have a lot or a little. It's easy to see people living in distant places as 'other' but that's simply not true.
     So what if we considered all of humanity our brothers and sisters? And what if politics no longer existed? I know we supposedly need their structure to govern us all because we can't be trusted to just be decent human beings, but what if? What if instead of telling us all how it's going to be, the job of politicians was really to be a public servant? And what if we, the public, decided that what we want them to do is to re-think the distribution of resources. Not just 'over borders' because they're irrelevant. If we were willing to give just a little. If we realized that we don't really need that many pairs of shoes. That a six thousand square foot house may be a bit big for a three person family. That we can only drive one car at a time. That the gluttony we've cultivated in this culture is going to be the downfall of humanity if we keep feeding it.
    These are big words but it's true. The major real problems we have today (not the "problems" the media would have us focus on) have to do with sustainability. Well, our way of life is simply not sustainable. Maybe that's my cause. In an article by Linda Sechrist in Natural Awakenings magazine (HealthyLivingDetroit.com), Andrew Harvey talks about Sacred Activism. He says we should "understand that the deepest service rises out of our deepest compassion, which is born out of our deepest heartache.". It has always been my deepest heartache to see people going without. People are starving, thirsting to death, dying without simple medicines, living without homes or clothing, unaware of education and health care. People. These are people, just like you and me! So, I think it's time for me to pick up a copy of Mr Harvey's book, "The Hope: A Guide to Sacred Activism" and figure out what I can do to help. In the article he talks about having a deep spiritual practice because that is where the ideas for change that will work come from and the spiritual practice also supports us through the slings and arrows of activism. I need to do something! Aside from blogging about it :).
     I want to prove that LOVE CAN be a force for change! I want to learn how to live in a way that doesn't consume unnecessary amounts of anything. I am not a saint. I have to be reasonable about what I can do, but knowing that, I have to remember what great feats others have preformed and not limit myself. I hear all the trepidation in these lines. Who else is out there, ready to help make change?

Count Your Blessings

2010-03-29T12:45:00.000-04:00

So I recently moved into a lovely little house. As a house warming gift, a friend of mine gave me a set of those cool vinyl letters that go on your wall. They say "Count Your Blessings". (It's funny, this friend is also the person who sent me an invitation to Gratitude e-mails. I love them!) Little does my friend know that when I was little, any time I didn't like something or complained about food or anything, my mother or grandmother would say to me - in a screechy voice - "Count your blessings!", and sometimes even go on about the poor starving children in Africa or elsewhere. I liked the practice. I actually did count my blessings. My family and friends, my toys, the fact that I had food. Even if it was not something I wanted to eat, at least I had something. When I opened that box and saw that saying, I just heard my grandmother's admonishing voice, felt her finger shaking, telling me to be grateful. Well, I am. It may have taken a lot of work but I am truly grateful for all I have. As a kid, I thought my mom and grandma were just being mean, telling me I was being a bad kid. If they were looking to shame me, they sure did. Now I finally get it. Gratitude is one of the most precious gifts we can give our children, and ourselves. It gives us some sense of solidity when we feel as though the rug has been pulled from under us. Even though such-and-such is happening and that's hard, scary, expensive, sad, difficult... we can sit back and see that there is still a lot to be thankful for. So I'm reclaiming that saying. No longer will it remind me of being shamed or feeling guilty. I know that counting my blessings may very well be the most important part of my spiritual practice. As I think we could all do with a little gratitude, go forth and count YOUR blessings too!

Why I'm a Wich 2

2010-03-26T12:27:00.000-04:00

So where do I go from here? I guess I'd like to share a little about what I learned in that book, among others. The things that really drew me to the Craft. First of all lets talk about 'God'. I put it in quotations because I'm not talking about the Christian God or any other specific deity. In witchcraft and Wicca, deity is considered male AND female. Most pagans pray to or worship God and Goddess. Many have a certain pantheon (group of gods and goddesses related to a particular faith or geographical area) that they work with. Some have only one God and Goddess that they work with. There are some witches or Wiccans who only work with Goddess, mostly Dianic practitioners. This is unbalanced to me but considering the proliferation of male-centered patriarchal religions out there, I don't think this is a bad thing. There is no set definition and I think that there are as many ideas of deity in paganism as there are practitioners. I personally understand it like layers. On the top is Source. This is a genderless, formless consciousness from whence we all came that permeates everything. This is truly God, but it's bigger, vaster, more complex than we can understand. So, as a human I need to have something I can relate to when I pray. I choose God and Goddess. These 'beings' represent every aspect of humanity. Every color, gender, background, every good and bad trait, every, every thing that humans can be. I know it's a construct of my mind but I feel most comfortable with this image and so it's real to me. This was the most important, if a bit difficult, concept for me as a woman. God isn't a man. So all of my feminine traits are reflected in God, too. I feel more comfortable praying to divinity I can see as feminine. All the Gods and Goddesses that have ever been named or conceived of are present in God and Goddess.
The next 'layer' would be all the named Gods and Goddesses. Shiva, destroyer and lord of the dance from the Hindu pantheon. Freya, goddess of war and love from the Norse pantheon. The list is unending. All of these are aspects that people created and needed to call on for different reasons. So if a witch (of eclectic tradition) wants to get in touch with her (or his) own compassion, they might pray to or do a ritual with Kwan Yin. If we need strength to destroy something in our lives that is harming us or no longer serves, we might work with Durga or Kali.
It's like the viewfinder toys. Remember, the ones you could put a disc of slides into and push the lever to look through and see all the pictures? To me, that toy is a perfect metaphor for God. No matter what deity you're looking at, or what pantheon they come from, the image will always be the correct image of God. The truth is that God is the light shining through allowing you to see the picture. So God, or Source, is present in everything and necessary for us to see the sacredness in everything.
That idea of all things being sacred was another thing that really rang true for me. All life is sacred and so is the earth. I believe that little by little, I'm becoming a more responsible and compassionate person as a witch. I am not saying that you have to be a witch to be a good person. Only that for me, the sense of personal responsibility that I feel as a witch has taught me to question myself and to strive to be a more loving, less judgmental person.That's what we all, I think, come to religion for. We want to learn how to be good people. This is my way and I hope the telling of it will at very least help other people to understand. It's really no different or stranger than any other path.

Why I'm a Witch

2010-03-10T12:30:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking of this a lot lately. Not questioning myself, but trying to put it into words that others might be able to accept. I really believe in every positive religion. I don't think it's important to have the "right" take on God because I don't believe that as humans we're supposed to understand exactly what God is. That's why it's called faith. So considering that any one could be correct but probably none are, I started to explore. I was raised Catholic but not strictly so. I found some of the things I was taught hard to swallow. Catholics talk a lot about God being angry and jealous, I just didn't buy it. That was not my experience when I prayed. I also remember wondering and eventually asking when we were going to learn about "that lady spirit in the planet" in Catechism. I have to believe that what I knew then was closer to the truth than anything I could ever read in a book. That's not to say that as children we have the ultimate truth, only that in remembering what I believed then, I've found those beliefs to be true for me now.
I remember being intrigued by magic as a child. As a teen I was aware that there were people who called themselves witches but I assumed they were into something dangerous or dark, because that's what we're taught by our parents or churches if Hollywood hasn't done the job. I went to a few Baptist churches and they were more laid-back in some ways. Their language was more accessible but there were still holes in the logic- at least to my mind.

In my early twenties I went to Arizona to work at a Renaissance Festival and there were some real, live witches there. I observed them and found that there was no "evil" feeling around them. They didn't appear dark or menacing. There was a kind of peace and grace about them that I found interesting. I didn't make any decisions then but I knew something inside me- the way I viewed the world- had changed.
Years later, when my daughter was not yet a year old, I was at a book sale at the library near my house. I was very drawn to a Magical Almanac but felt such guilt at that interest. I found myself picking it up and then putting it down and walking away, only to return again. Finally I thought, "This is ridiculous!" and opened the book. I looked through the titles of the articles. There was nothing dark to be seen. No hexes or recipes for Neighbor's Cat Stew. It seemed to be mostly about self-transformation, personal growth, and honoring the seasons. I bought the book. I read the whole thing and found some of it strange and foreign and other parts really beautiful. It wasn't long before other books started to make their way into my life. I am a firm believer that if you need to learn something, that lesson will come forth in one way or another.
I work at a library and some books were being discarded. I couldn't let that happen so I took them home and most of them went to Salvation Army. In the pile was, what else, a beginners guide to "Wicca". It was "Wicca for the Solitary Practitioner" by Scott Cunningham. I read that book cover to cover three times. It was like coming home. The Goddess was such a strange concept to me yet at the same time, felt so right. Finally, deity had balance! There was such a profound peace and comfort in meeting the Goddess. That was my first "ritual", if you could call it that. I went outside with a little crystal point I had, held it up to the moon and introduced myself to Goddess. I explained that I had only just learned about her and apologized for having gone so long without knowing. (What a Catholic, assuming my ignorance would hurt Her feelings.) The response I got was an overwhelming feeling of joy. The kind of joy we feel as kids running outside to play, with a whole summer day ahead of us and only lunch to get in the way. In this case lunch was probably my own misgivings and trepidation borne of a lifetime of being taught there was only one "right" way. Lunch did not last long.

This was only the beginning of a love story about me finding love for myself and finding peace in my relationship with Deity. As I've been a practicing witch now for about eight years, I'm on much more solid ground than I have ever been. I know that it's okay to question. Most importantly, it's okay for me to question myself and my beliefs and ways of doing things. So if I'm willing to question myself, and certainly willing to question others, I need to make myself available to the questions of others. I want to start, in my own little way, to make it more acceptable to be a witch. I know that's a lot to ask but once it was a lot to ask for homosexual people to be seen as "normal". I live in a world where that has come to be truth. As a way to start discussion and sort my thoughts so that they can be shared, I offer this post and many more to come, exploring the ideas I have about my faith. I have to say (and will continue to say) that every witch does things differently. We have different ways of viewing God and different ways of celebrating. I am not an authority on the Craft or Wicca. I am just one little witch - trying.

Worn Thin

2010-02-17T11:01:00.000-05:00

I feel like there is a lot I need to get out but I'm not sure what it all is. I am so utterly and totally exhausted from moving. And so very glad it's over! It's been the hardest job I've ever had to do. Being a single mom and trying to move a pack-ratted two bedroom into a cute little one bedroom is a task of magic for sure. The hardest part (I think) has been the emotional drain of too many opinions around me. I know that we all judge one another. It's automatic. Something is different from our own experience and therefore we think it's "wrong" or should be changed. The unfamiliar makes us uncomfortable. I know that I judge other people and I am trying to learn not to but like I said, it's automatic. We really have to work hard to let go that response. What's just as hard as not judging is being judged and not letting it get to you. In my heart of hearts, I know that what other people think of me is not important. If I start to really care what 'they' think, I'm sunk. It only pushes me further away from myself. I can't fit into the box that others think will be acceptable. I have to be very adamant about being who I am or I'll become just like everyone else. I need to be the strange, crazy, indefinable person I am in order to fulfill my life's purpose. We all have what we consider to be negative or less-desirable qualities or habits. I think (or I hope) we all are aware of the changes we need to make in order to feel healthy and whole. What people don't always realize is that their idea of healthy and whole and someone else's may look totally different. Of course if we're striving for something, we assume it is what anyone would want because we find it so desirable. It's like food, though. If several people go out to dinner together and they all order their favorite meal, each person gets something different. We all have somewhere we're going or someone we're striving to be. I have a very clear picture in my mind of the me I'm becoming. When I get too many friendly suggestions, that picture gets foggy or faded. I start to question the things I value and my methods. I second-guess myself and wonder about the validity of my choices verses what other people would do or think I should do. Meanwhile I'm straying further and further from the path I need to be on to get to the me I want to be. I read recently that often when people give advice, it's something they need to hear themselves. If something about my life bothers someone else, why? It is my life after all. They don't have to deal with it. They have their own life and hopefully they're living it the way they want to. So why give other people grief about their stuff? I feel like I'm wandering in mental circles here but maybe I'll eventually get somewhere with this. Because this is my process. Sometimes I have to let my brain chase its tail for a bit before things become clear. So if it bothers someone that I have so much 'stuff' or I own 'too many books', why? I'm not putting it in their space. It doesn't change the person I am. We do the things we do for a reason. Life is a process and we need different things at different times. There is no clear-cut formula that will work for anyone who tries it. We're all out here on our own doing the best we can with what we're given. We're all in progress. Another Ani DiFranco quote I have to share: * "I am a work in progress dressed in the fabric of a world unfolding offering me intricate patterns of questions rhythms that never come clean and strengths that you still haven't seen." * And what some people would consider a burden or a weakness, to others is a strength. Every obstacle is a teacher, every sticky situation is a classroom. When we spend our time and energy wondering or worrying at someone else and their life, we're not really living our own. I guess the final point is that I need be relentlessly myself. I need to stand up for myself when I don't have the energy to listen to opinions and tell people that. I need to be more sensitive to my own emotional state so that I can protect myself and not become overburdened with guilt or frustration or judgment that is coming from outside me. In the end, I know that I'm on the right track and that's all that counts. I need to make changes in my own time. I will not put myself through changes that other people think will be good for me. Only I know what I need and frankly, even that is guess-work. So if we don't have our own lives figured out, what right do we have to tell others how to live theirs? I guess none at all. I'm going to dig in my heels and live the way I need to and I'm going to think twice the next time I feel like giving someone advice.

The Little House

2010-02-11T12:57:00.001-05:00

I am so profoundly tired and so immeasurably happy! I can't express how much I love my little house! Just the freedom of being able to sing- really sing- in my own home is priceless. I already feel such a distinct difference in my energy level. I'm just full of joy whenever I'm there. After living in an apartment for four years that never felt like home, this is a breath of fresh air. My neighbors are all very kind and it's a beautiful property. The house has so much personality. I'm really enjoying unpacking and slowly starting to decorate. The effect of being in a place that I love is going to be huge. It's hard to heal when you're in a place where you wish you weren't. I feel really able to relax here. That's a big difference from when I walked into that apartment and all I wanted to do was sleep. I feel so blessed. This is what home really means.

How we hold ourselves back

2010-02-02T12:07:00.000-05:00

I'm a huge fan of Ani DiFranco and some lines from one of her songs keep circling in my head so I thought I'd put them down here and explore. The song is "Joyful Girl". * "Everything I do is judged and they mostly get it wrong, but oh well the bathroom mirror has not budged and the woman who lives there can tell the truth from the stuff they say and she looks me in the eye says, "would you prefer the easy way? no? well okay, then don't cry." * First of all I have to say that Ani DiFranco is a super genus. Not simply for these great lyrics but for her whole mind-blowingly prolific career. Goddess bless her!! I love these lines because I feel so mis-understood so often. I don't have the energy or time to explain to the people around me why I think or act the way I do but I don't think we should have to. I had a conversation recently about how shocking it can be when people are blatantly rude or cruel. It really throws me- like I have no idea where these people are coming from that they would treat another person so unkindly. I think that's cultural, to some extent. That doesn't excuse it, but we have been raised and taught to do for ourselves. It takes a lot to un-learn that type of programming. So I really don't excuse that but it underscores the fact that we really can't understand where other people are coming from. They have had life experiences that we haven't and the collection of those experiences is what has brought them to this moment- in whatever state they may be. Aside from cruelty and downright bad behavior, I love how strange we can seem to one another just in how we do ordinary things. I saw someone parallel parking yesterday and there were no cars in the spots behind where he was parking but rather than just drive straight into the spot (which is what I would've done because I fear parallel parking) he drove past the spot and proceeded to back in, making it much more difficult than it needed to be. I drove by, thinking, "that's amazing!". Then I wondered why. Maybe this person is so used to parallel parking that it wasn't more difficult to do it this way. Maybe this person was practicing in a space without a car behind it to get more confidence. (Maybe I should try that.) Whatever the reason, it was one of those moments where I realized that we truly do not understand one another as individuals. (and that I am fascinated by people because who thinks of these things?) There is some freedom in that. If we could just be amazed at the different ways people do things, rather than railing that they 'should have' done it this way, who knows what we would learn? On the flip side of that, if we all did what we felt was right for ourselves (as long as it didn't harm ourselves or others) without even a hint of a thought to how other people would perceive our actions... Wow! What a world! If a business man suddenly started skipping down the sidewalk, because he felt like it, and nobody stared, or if they did, it just made them smile rather than thinking he'd gone mad. If we felt less uncomfortable with eye contact. If we could smile at strangers and say hello, instead of staring at the ground. If we could sing in public, because we want to and it feels good. If the word 'normal' was relegated to science labs because there is no such thing when it comes to living beings. If we didn't feel self-conscious after laughing too loudly because laughs should be loud and full. If we re-membered the freedom we felt as children. If we became more inquisitive and patient. If we let the world take on the mystery that is innate in everything, forgetting that we think we have it all figured out. If we were spontaneous and followed our instincts. If we danced down the street to the music coming out of stores, or to no music at all. If we appreciated the little moments and our own uniqueness. If being different didn't ever make anyone feel alone. If we could comfort strangers because we can see they need it. If we learned to use our talents to help all the rest. If freedom was not an idea or something for vacations, but the truth that we lived and breathed every day. If we knew that we were not going to be judged, how brave would we become?

Priorities

2010-01-27T13:08:00.000-05:00

Priorities are things we are always re-evaluating. I have been living in an apartment that I don't like for a long time and it just recently became a priority to get out of it. I'm moving to a place that I really love and into a town that will offer me and my daughter many opportunities for learning and fun. The house we're moving into is tiny but beautiful. The problem is I just learned that the schools there are not great. The school my daughter is currently attending is rated A by the state, the ones where we are moving are rated C. It's a difficult thing to think about. My sister thinks I should not move but she doesn't understand that I'm not in the decision-making stage any more. I'm moving. So I have to rely on the facts that my daughter is a very bright kid and I work with her a lot. She gets a lot of instruction outside of school, I just may have to step that up a bit. I'm going to talk to the schools and see if they have any advanced programs that might be more appropriate for her. She's in the 4th grade now. I think if I do my best with her here and plan to get her into a better school or district before high-school (preferably before middle-school) she will be fine. I'm getting guilt from my sister but I have to let that go. I know with all my heart that this is the right place for our family. We will grow and heal here. We will learn and discover, cook and paint, sing and dance, and really enjoy life. School is not the end-all and be-all of what shapes our lives. I know that in a better school, children have more opportunities. I also know that my daughter's life has a richness that many are lacking. I'm teaching her about living life fully, being compassionate and caring, the importance of caring for herself, the importance of creativity and spirituality. I realize I'm writing this for the express purpose of not letting someone else's fears drag me down and make me question myself. It's the time in my life to be sure of what I'm doing. It's funny to think how many decisions have been made by not deciding. A witch's word is her will. My friends and I have been working with that one a lot and it helps. If I'm going to be a productive and powerful person, that can only be built on a foundation of integrity. That means that I'm sure about what I do and why. If I say something will be done, it will. I keep the whole picture in view as much as possible to consider how my actions affect others. This is going to be a good move for us. There are always sacrifices but I truly believe that all in all this will be a very positive experience and a wonderful place to live. Rather than second guessing or dwelling in anxiety, I'm choosing to dwell in gratitude. I'm grateful to my wonderful friend who helped me find this place. I'm grateful to the wonderful landlord who takes such great care of the property. I'm grateful to Goddess and God who I know were helping me to find the right place. I'm grateful to myself for making the right decision and sticking to it!

Moving

2010-01-25T12:46:00.001-05:00

I HATE MOVING! It's about the most pain-in-the-ass task a person can embark upon. I'm finding myself totally overwhelmed by the job. I think it's the first time in a very long time that I wish I had an other. It hit me over the weekend that I have to do this on my own. I will have friends to help me carry stuff but I have to make the decisions about when to move what and what should go where and how and on and on... Whew! It's rough stuff! I knowI can do it. And I know that in about three weeks this will all be over and I'll be sitting in my new home relaxing. (Well, technically I'll be at work anxious to go to my new home and relax.) It's just the mean time. I can't see how I'll do all this. As I start to get some stuff out of the place it will seem more managable. I'm glad I have the luxury of being able to move over a week and a half instead of trying to fit it all in one or two days. I just long for the day when I can sit in my home and all of my stuff is out of the apartment and has been given away or stored. I can't wait for that sigh...

I'm Moving!

2010-01-21T12:26:00.000-05:00

I found a home! And I stress the word HOME! I've lived in an apartment for 5 years that is unhealthy for many reasons and owned by a big corporation who basically refuses to fix anything. With the help of a friend, I found a tiny house to rent. It will be a big sacrifice as far as space is concerned but what we will gain is immeasurable! It has a HUGE yard that goes right down to a river. It's in a part of town that is very walkable and fun. The minute I walked in it was as if the house hugged me. We will be in a house! With no people on our walls or ceiling! We can plant things! I'm so excited! I've been pack-ratting in a two bedroom apartment for years. Now we're moving into The Little House (I named it) and suddenly I'm finding it so simple to give things away. I really believe it's my life path issue at this time to learn how to live with only what is necessary. I feel life will be more simple. I'll be more organized and together. It's such a peaceful place! I'm going to foster that peacefulness and make it the everyday state of life. I feel so strongly that all the things I've struggled with will become easier. I will take time to meditate and slow down in that way. All the things that I've been working at in fits and starts will have room. I think that's the big thing, I won't be so stressed out by having so many things around me. I'll be in an environment that will foster healing. My plan is to really work on healing me- re-learning how to meditate, praying and playing, getting fit and eating healthy. I know we can't move into a new home and expect to suddenly be different people but these are things I've been working at for years and I can't seem to make them stick. I am so sensitive to my environment and the apartment we've been living in tells me to take a nap, give up and roll over. The house will tell me, "It's ok, you can do it! This is the life you've been working toward!". And she will be right!

A Poem

2010-01-07T12:24:00.001-05:00

I haven't written in a while and I miss it. I've been stupidly busy and have a lot going on but nothing I really want to write about. I decided to share a poem I wrote last fall. *

Curves and Lines

My body is the Goddess's

not a single curve out of place

cause I can see my form in nature

all the beautiful, round shapes to trace

But cities are made by men

you can see it in their design

cold and hard, constructed

all straight lines and street signs

We do our best to invade them

with bushes, trees and vines

but they always feel constricted

to a pretty little box in time

Meanwhile outside the cities borders

the ongoing ugly rat-race

is mowing down curves and forests

marching on leaving nary a trace

Still, no matter how many lines they draw

with their rulers to tell them how big

when it's time to lay the foundation

look where they have to dig

Into the sacred skin of our Mother

on the altar of our birth

source of all the life we know

the ever-spinning, round, round Earth

Hope you all like it!

Happy Holidays

2009-12-23T13:58:00.000-05:00

I just want to wish everyone the best for the holidays and the New Year. I've found my Christmas Spirit, I think she lives in the kitchen. I'll spend tomorrow baking bread for my family and listening to Christmas music, laughing with my daughter. It's the children who remind us of the magic. Her excitement is contagious and no matter how down life tries to get me, her sweet smile and bubbly anticipation is more than balm enough. I've also been given a LOT of help this year from friends and family. I find it so difficult to express my gratitude to these people. I can't say 'thank you' enough. I've shed many tears in private, overcome by how generous and supportive the people in my life are. I am truly blessed. I think we really learn about the blessings in our lives at hard times. When things are easy, we don't need anything. We don't need help or support because things are going well. We're tooling along with no training wheels, no hands, full of smiles and laughter. When there's a bump in the road, we find out who, if anyone, will be there to help us steady ourselves. The past month or two, I've had friends and family holding my seat and handle bars, not letting me fall. How amazing is that? No wonder I have such a hard time expressing my gratitude- it's so big! Like love that can well up and make us feel as though we may burst, this gratitude fills me and goes beyond my borders. I'm going to carry that through the new year, into times that are less difficult than now, and remember to always be grateful for what I have because once I get my balance back, I still know that if I wobble, there are many people waiting in the wings to help steady me.

Great Fun!

2009-12-18T11:38:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I visited my daughter's class to talk about the Winter Solstice. She's in the fourth grade and her teacher sent home a note asking if any parents would like to come in and share something about our holiday traditions. I decided ours is something different and wanted to share. The kids were all so great. I started out by telling them I was a little nervous to talk in front of people, "but you're all nice, right?". And they were. I told them that to understand why we celebrate the Solstice we would have to talk about history. I explained that we were agricultural people and asked if they knew what that meant. One kid even had farmers in his family- so cool! I asked if any of them had seen the show "Little House on the Prairie" and some had. So I said to think about those times and for many years before that era. Before the industrial and technological revolutions, when we didn't have freezers and refrigerators and people had to dry their meat and find ways to make their food last through the winter. And everyone was dependent on the farmers and so we were very dependent on the sun and very aware of the seasons. So. What happens to the sun during the winter? They knew that it sets earlier. So I explained that it sets earlier and rises later until the Winter Solstice. That is the longest night of the year- the day with the least daylight. The next day, the sun rises a little earlier and sets a little later. So even though it feels like we still have so much winter left, we have a little sign that spring and summer are coming. They understood why it would have been so important. I also told them that to celebrate we have dinner with my best friend and we have a sort-of mini-Christmas, exchanging gifts but we also talk about the year. What we're thankful for, what we want to work on in the coming year. So then I got out my guitar! I can't believe I played in front of so many people. In certain situations kids can be really cool. They were all so excited because it's purple. So I told them I've only had it a few months and might make some mistakes. I played "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and "Frosty the Snowman" and they all sang along and covered up my mistakes. Then I played "We Three Kings" and several kids sang along. It was really nice. I felt great for having taught them something. After the fuss that was made over that Gap commercial, I was glad to explain the holiday to some people who didn't know what it is about. I wonder what their parents said when they got home and told them they learned about the Solstice? If they repeat what they learned there should be no reason for fussing. It's not as if I told them we call the quarters and cast a circle and pray to God and Goddess before opening our presents. I wish it wasn't such a big deal. I wish I could talk about those types of things openly in any company but the world isn't quite ready for that so I'll start in small ways. It's not important that people have the whole picture, only that they see it's nothing to be frightened of and maybe even see a little beauty in it.

It Returns

2009-12-16T14:01:00.000-05:00

I think I may have found my Christmas Spirit! I've mentioned how much trouble I have when I'm focused on one thing. It's like I can't see around it. I've been focused on the hows and wheres of moving. And since money is short this year I haven't done much shopping and that usually gets me excited about the Christmas morning unveiling. I've finally gained some clarity about packing and I can see it getting done so that left me a little room in my brain for Christmas- and I'm a little excited. It's always a bustle and sometimes a drain. I always seem to expect myself to do too much. Like I think I can bake a loaf of cinnamon bread for everyone I know. When it takes about 4 hours to make 2 loaves. This year my preoccupation has stopped me from over-burdening myself. I'm going to make bread for my family and a few close friends. I'm looking forward to celebrating Yule twice (!). Once with my daughter and a close friend of ours and again with my little group. I get to go to my daughter's school and talk about Solstice to her class. And once I've lived through Christmas, I still have moving to look forward to! Ok, I don't look forward to moving because I hate it. I think we all can agree that it's one of the most stressful and physically exhausting tasks on the planet. I do, however, look forward to being in a new place. I love setting up a new home. And I'll be moving to a new area so I will have a whole new city to explore! I love learning places. It's such an adventure! I have a pretty good sense of direction so I always dig finding new ways to get from point A to point B. Learning a whole new city will be a great challenge. There will be new businesses, new restaurants, new people. And I'm so glad to be leaving the apartment I'm in. It has so many issues I don't even want to get into it. Just thinking about it gets my fruit dirty. So I'll stop. I have great things on the horizon. I love the fact that even when money is tight- or feels like it is- I can still see that I have such great abundance and so many things to be thankful for. I am truly blessed and I feel as though I just keep being given more and more. I hope that in this season of family and friends, of giving and charity, of love and light, that we all can take stock and be thankful for the wonderful things we have in our lives all year round.

Where is it?

2009-12-15T06:37:00.000-05:00

I find it almost impossible to believe that Christmas is in 10 days. I have always been the girl with the irrepressible Christmas spirit. It hasn't arrived yet. No shopping. No bread-baking even. I'm just not that into it. Ug! Maybe it's because I'm focused on moving soon? Maybe I'll be more connected to Yule this year with it's quiet, gentle affair whose purpose certainly rivals Christmas' hooplah. I feel a little left-out but honestly, I haven't seen many examples of the Christmas spirit outside generosity shown to me in my own life. There is no abundant joy in passers-by. Everyone is elbowing and grumbling like always. I see the lights but they're not sparking that same kind of awe and revelry that I usually associate with this time of year. In a way, I'm leaning on my daughter's excitement. You can always count on a kid to find the joy and remember why we're supposed to be excited. She's so sweet. We have our little Christmas at home, then go to her Grandma's (dad's mom) and then to my mom's house. She tells me how much she loves our little Christmas mornings at home, watching the parade and eating cinnamon bread. "Even if there aren't any presents", she tells me. What a gem! So I'm switching the radio to the Christmas station and forcing myself to start baking for her. Sometimes when we do the things we associate with a particular feeling, we can bring that feeling on. I hope that works for me now because if I remember correctly, I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!

Enough about the monkeys

2009-12-07T12:11:00.000-05:00

Ok. I promise, well I think, this will be the last blog about the monkeys but I'm just having so much fun with it. I was thinking about fruit. It's what we put out into the world, right? Like the 'fruits of our labors'. So that is a great reminder that what we think and the mood we are in ARE our fruit. Our thoughts are really going out into the world and affecting things - including ourselves. So if we think of thoughts in terms of fruit, it benefits all of us to keep our fruit clean. It's most difficult when we encounter a person who is clearly eating fruit that's not only covered in mud but possibly rotten as well. They've been carrying that same dirty fruit with them for a long time. They're used to the people around them eating dirty fruit, too, since we tend to see ourselves reflected in our surroundings. We have to do our best to not let their dirt get on our fruit. The best thing we can do is to offer them some clean, fresh fruit. Maybe it's a kind word or a different perspective. Maybe just a compliment or a door held open for someone's heavy arms. It's a heavy task to try to change the world, even if we all see the need for change. If we all start at home, in little ways, change will grow in it's own time.

More about the monkeys

2009-12-04T19:22:00.000-05:00

I realize that sweet potatoes are not fruit but I still refer to the story as "fruit-washing monkeys". So I've been using the metaphor in my daily life and I love it. When someone is rude or cruel, I think to myself, "ooo, they're eating dirty fruit" and it helps me to not feed into their negativity. It's a funny thing to say so it takes the edge off of the yuckiness. Then when I'm being negative, whether it's thinking yucky thoughts or being judgemental, I think, "Ooo, I just ate dirty fruit". It works in the same way. So I had a hard day at work Wednesday because I was tired and not in the mood to be there. I just focused on 'keeping my fruit clean' all day and it really helped. I realize it sounds crazy but that's why it works for me. Try it out and see if it works for you. Or if you have a similar statement that you use, please let me know. We all need a full tool-box of ways to stay positive and this is my new shiny tool. I hope it helps you all too.

Thank you

2009-12-01T14:23:00.000-05:00

I just want to thank everyone who reads my blog. I do read comments and write back. It means a lot to me that people are interested in the same things I am and that they take the time to comment about the things I write. I'm gaining more confidence in my writing this way and getting feedback is such a blessing. I really feel the need, lately, to connect to as many people as I can and spread a loving message. I love reading things that make me think and I hope to offer springboards for others to take off and have ponderings of their own. I am so blessed in my life right now. I'm a little overwhelmed by how many things are opening up for me right now. I have a new-ish little group of beautiful witches who I meet with weekly and the joy these times bring me is immeasurable. I've found a closer, easier communication with one of my spirit guides through a reading from a friend. I've found a new place to practice massage that spurned a beautiful business idea that will be very successful if I stay true to my vision. In that same place, I found a new group of friends who are generously and supportivley shining a light for me to come further down my path. I met a beautiful practitioner of my faith who I can keep in contact with through writing and I feel an absolute abundance of opportunity for learning and sharing in that relationship. And even before all of this came into my life, I was blessed with a beautiful daughter who is my greatest teacher, and some very special friends whose help has been greater than I will ever be able to thank them for. I have some serious money issues right now (bills, holidays coming, low-paying job) and for once, I have absolutely no fear or worry about it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything is just fine. There is way too much good right now for me to even think of falling into the worry trap. I will pay what I can when I can and life, as always, will work itself out. This weekend was a real wake up call about the value of money and in the grand scheme of things, it's worth-less. We all need to support ourselves and our families and I will always manage to do that. But money is worth so much less than friendship and love and growth. Money is energy and I have a lot of good to put out into the world. I trust with all of myself that the Universe will take care of me and mine in turn.

Remember to wash your fruit!

2009-11-30T12:04:00.000-05:00

I found this on-line and copy/pasted it here to share the idea. It's been called myth by some or even 'Urban Legend'. Well, remote monkey-covered Japanese islands aren't exactly urban, but I understand. Whether or not all the facts are accurate, I love the story and I've been thinking of it a lot in relation to people. Check it out: "The Hundredth Monkey by Ken Keyes, jr. The Japanese monkey, Macaca fuscata, had been observed in the wild for a period of over 30 years. In 1952, on the island of Koshima, scientists were providing monkeys with sweet potatoes dropped in the sand. The monkeys liked the taste of the raw sweet potatoes, but they found the dirt unpleasant. An 18-month-old female named Imo found she could solve the problem by washing the potatoes in a nearby stream. She taught this trick to her mother. Her playmates also learned this new way and they taught their mothers too. This cultural innovation was gradually picked up by various monkeys before the eyes of the scientists. Between 1952 and 1958 all the young monkeys learned to wash the sandy sweet potatoes to make them more palatable. Only the adults who imitated their children learned this social improvement. Other adults kept eating the dirty sweet potatoes. Then something startling took place. In the autumn of 1958, a certain number of Koshima monkeys were washing sweet potatoes -- the exact number is not known. Let us suppose that when the sun rose one morning there were 99 monkeys on Koshima Island who had learned to wash their sweet potatoes. Let's further suppose that later that morning, the hundredth monkey learned to wash potatoes. THEN IT HAPPENED! By that evening almost everyone in the tribe was washing sweet potatoes before eating them. The added energy of this hundredth monkey somehow created an ideological breakthrough! But notice. A most surprising thing observed by these scientists was that the habit of washing sweet potatoes then jumped over the sea -- Colonies of monkeys on other islands and the mainland troop of monkeys at Takasakiyama began washing their sweet potatoes. Thus, when a certain critical number achieves an awareness, this new awareness may be communicated from mind to mind. Although the exact number may vary, this Hundredth Monkey Phenomenon means that when only a limited number of people know of a new way, it may remain the conscious property of these people. But there is a point at which if only one more person tunes-in to a new awareness, a field is strengthened so that this awareness is picked up by almost everyone! (from the book "The Hundredth Monkey" by Ken Keyes, jr. The book is not copyrighted and the material may be reproduced in whole or in part. You can look at the whole book also.)" This idea really gives me a lot of hope. Since the 60's our culture (and even more so our counter-culture) have been moving toward some type of enlightenment. It's not something that comes strictly from one source. Yoga, meditation, energy healing, shamanism, holistic living... All of these ideas and many more are converging to teach us a better way. So many of us are moving away from the fear and towards the love. I'm so glad to be here to see it. I love the idea that if a certain percentage of us open up to this and realize the power of love, the rest of humanity will find it impossible to turn away. Like everyone will suddenly gain a realization that love is the most important thing and it's not just a feeling but a way of living. It shows up in the things we do and how we treat ourselves and others. I was talking to a woman over the weekend about how difficult it can be to stop judging others, even when we consider ourselves to be loving people. We're so conditioned to it that it's automatic. And it's even more difficult when the others are judging us harshly. In the interest of helping myself unlearn this judgemental reflex, I've decided to bring a little humor to it. When I encounter these negative people, I'm going to quietly remind myself that they are eating dirty fruit. I guess I would be grumpy too if my sweet potatoes were covered in sand.

Holistic Festival

2009-11-30T11:35:00.000-05:00

I went to the Holistic Festival at Gibralter Trade Center this weekend to practice massage. I've never done anything like that so I had a lot of anxiety in the week or so leading up to the event. All of the 'what should I bring?' and 'how do I do this?' kinds of questions. I knew that once I set up Friday morning I would relax because after that it's just one person at a time. I was hoping to make some money and I didn't manage to break even. I covered my space and probably gas and food but I had to get a hotel and didn't cover that. The experience was worth so much more than money, though. The people I met there were so kind and supportive, so generous with their advice. There were several other witches there as vendors so I immediately felt at home. There was some great merchandise- books, stones, statuary, oils, great organic nut butters... There were some great readers too. Just a wonderful little bunch of people. The first person I met as I came in was a girl who works at Gibrlater and helps the vendors find their places. She was so sweet and told me she loves to work that show because all the vendors are so nice. She was right. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude I'm not even sure what else to say. I got an amazing reading from a medium (Gary Gurgold) that really opened some possibilities for me. I'm finding it very hard to articulate the joy of this experience. I was set up near- literally surrounded by- people who offered me so much support and encouragement. When I got home last night I took all the cards I had collected out of my purse and I looked at them and there were six people who I met that really stood out. Each of them, aside from sharing amazing and interesting conversations, said one or more things to me that meant more than I have the ability to thank them for. It was so great to be out and around like-minded people for three days in a row. I loved getting to know them and feeling friendships starting to form. The woman who was set up next to me was practicing Reiki and using crystals for her clients and watching her work was so beautiful- like seeing a glimpse of the type of things I may be doing in the future. I'm so grateful to her for her abundant kindness and the time she took to give me such thoughtful advice. I'm working out ways to continue going to this show without losing money. If I could go and break even every time, that would be great. I wish I could say more but I'm a bit tired and trying to slide back into my day-to-day while holding on to all the great energy we all shared over the weekend. To all who were there, I owe you my unending gratitude!!

Which Moment am I Living In?

2009-11-26T12:00:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking of my ability (or lack thereof) to manage my time. Alanis Morissette said once in and interview that she sees time management as being synonymous with energy management. That makes so much sense to me. I've learned that I'm not great at multi-tasking when it comes to upcoming events or plans. Whenever there is a big holiday or I'm planning my daughter's birthday party or planning to take part in a big massage event, I find it all but impossible to see beyond that event. There is a voice inside that keeps telling me, "You just have to make it through this ________ and then you can make other plans." I'm working at an event this weekend and I've found that I can't seem to start planning for Christmas because a part of me- or most of me- is totally tunnel-vision-locked on doing well and making sure I have everything I need. In one way this is good, I'm giving attention to planning. However, how much of me has been living in this weekend since I signed up for the event? And if so much of my conscious thought is going to something that hasn't happened yet, how much of me is here now?

Kudos to the Gap

2009-11-23T11:45:00.000-05:00

Have you seen the new holiday Gap commercial? I am so happy about it! They recognize Christmas, Hanuka (spelling?), Kwanza and Solstice!! I'm so impressed that a mainstream store finally decided to advertise to pagans- in a way. There is a group who is upset, insisting that this commercial is "anti-religious" but give me a break. First of all, all four major holidays are mentioned. I read a comment on the convocation conversation that pointed out that if it were anti-religions, wouldn't they have just said 'Happy Holidays"? Not to mention the fact that Solstice is also a secular holiday, if you can't accept it as a witchy day. It's the longest night of the year and the beginning of the lengthening of daylight. That was something to celebrate even when I considered myself Christian. So what's up with all the hate? It's supposed to be the most loving time of year. We're constantly inundated with Christmas blah blah. It's hard to even see the religious meaning of Christmas through all the lights, tinsel, and blaring music. So what are people afraid of? It comes back to Fear vs. Love in my mind. There is such a tendency for people to start screaming about things being unfair or unbalanced. It's really sad. I've never heard a single witch complain about the propensity of Christmas ads and the complete lack of anything that mentions Solstice or Yule. It's been out of balance for so long!! I'm glad to see balance brought to advertising. I've never been into the Gap but I will be buying some gifts there this year! If you're on the side of Love and acceptance, I hope you do too!!

Fear vs. Love

2009-11-18T11:31:00.000-05:00

So I watched the Zeitgeist movie over the weekend. I'd been putting it off till I felt strong enough to handle it and I'm glad I did. I don't want to go into what the movie is about here other than to say that I wish everyone would watch it. It's terrifying but meant to be a wake-up call. I haven't been able to really focus on all the info because the whole thing is looming in my mind in a kind of crazy barrage of imagery and revelations. What I keep coming back to, in an effort to avoid letting this thing drag me through the emotional mud, is the ending. It wasn't an apocalyptic message, but not a positive one either. The final point was that we, as humans, have a choice right now between FEAR and LOVE. We can keep our heads down, mindlessly meandering through our lives being bumped around like pin balls, or we can wake up, look around, and find reason to love all we see. The idea that fear and love are the main opposing forces in the world is starting to make more and more sense to me. Fear is what causes anger. We fear that which we don't understand. We fear that which will cause us to lose power, or what we perceive to be power. We fear anything that is different from whatever we consider to be 'the norm'. Organized religion (I'm not trying to be offensive, it's in the movie) perpetuates fear by instilling in its followers a feeling that theirs is the only way and all others are following the wrong path, or worse. In society in general, we define differences by borders, skin colors, genders, sexual orientation, age, beliefs, levels of education, income, perceived limitations, parenthood, political tendencies, physical appearance, creative expression... just about any way we can think of to make others seem not-like-us. And the sad thing about that is we do it in order to somehow make ourselves feel superior. "I make more money than this person", or "Well, my son gets much better grades than hers". These are the types of things that we let define us. There seems to be very little interest in learning what we are really all about. I know I'm being a hypocrite again. After all, that seems to be what this blog is about. But at this point in my life, I desperately want to let go of all the fear. I want to do all I can to love everything I see every day. Even what's staring back at me in my mirror. As I believe the mirror is where it has to start for each of us, maybe I should make a point to love myself every day just for the fact that I so sincerely want to be a force of love on this planet. I'm so sure that's my path here. I haven't learned how to put it into practice but for all I know, I'm already doing it. I hope so because as much as I try to relax and trust life and time, there is a part of me that wants to just start running from person to person, telling them that I love them and somehow giving them the ability to love themselves. So what can I say? If you're reading this, I LOVE YOU!! I don't care if I've never met you. You're on this planet with me and you hope and grow and hurt just like I do. It is my deepest wish that each and every person find some calm inside themselves. A place where the frantic mind that we all live with gives reprieve. If you can find just a second of that calm, you will see a glimpse of your own perfection. Don't let your ego talk you out of it or shadow what you see. We all come from a core of perfection. Carry that with you always and do your best to honor it with your actions. I will do the same, and even give up this fear that I won't be able to proclaim the message of love, because I just did.

Practice

2009-11-12T11:17:00.000-05:00

practice: 1. to do or perform habitually or customarily; make a habit of 2. to do or perform (something) repeatedly in order to acquire or polish a skill. I was thinking of this word today and it created some interesting questions for me. First of all I was thinking of all the things that we practice in this world. A doctor doesn't 'do' medicine, she practices it. Lawyers practice law. I'm a massage therapist and I don't 'do' massage, I practice it. I'm also a witch and we don't 'do' magic, we practice it. This is one of the things that drew me to this path, that we are always learning what works best for ourselves, not dependent on what others have done, simply using their experiences as guideposts for our own exploration. One of the most common things we think of as a practice is yoga. Hatha yoga is a practice of physical poses but the practice of yoga goes much further than that. Yoga is a life-long practice of integrating our mind, body, and spirit and can be applied to anything we do with meaning in our lives. Meditation is an important practice, whether it's a part of our yoga or not. There is so much beauty in the things we practice and the very idea that we are practicing gives us the feeling of not needing to be perfect. So I wondered, what if we take this practice a step further? What if we agreed that we're all always practicing everything? If we knew that we are all practicing friendship, for example, would we be more forgiving, less judgmental? If we agreed that we are practicing love, would we be more patient with our partners and remember that our relationships take effort and that they deserve work? If we realize that we're practicing parenthood, would it help us to strive to become better at it? I think that's the thing that struck me today about that word and gave me so much comfort. If we're practicing, we don't have to have it all figured out. If we're practicing, we know that there is room to get better, room to grow into what we're doing. So when we're letting our inner critic run her mouth, lets take a moment and remind her that we're here to practice, for goodness sake, and we'll do better next time. Sorry for using the word 'practice' so many times but I'm just a writer practicing.

Just Be Nice

2009-11-11T06:53:00.000-05:00

There's this anonymous quote that I absolutely love. It says, "Be kinder than necessary because everyone is fighting some kind of battle." I think it's so true in our world today. And if anything could be even more true it's the fact that we are not usually as kind as necessary. Again I find myself to be the unstoppable hypocrite. We tend to view the behavior of others through the lens of our own experience, assuming reasons for their actions or behaviors. What we so often forget (I forget) is that others are likely going through life experiences that we could never understand or will never have to deal with. And why, for that matter, do we need to qualify the actions of others at all? It's like we need this information so that we can put people in the right box. Or we think we need to know, to have everyone figured out. Is this a case of looking outside to find answers because we can never really seem to figure ourselves out? More often I think it may be a way of explaining away something that has made us uncomfortable or we've taken something personally when almost nothing is. I'm looking for the bottom line here and I think it's this: "Be kinder than necessary because everyone is fighting some kind of battle.", and "mind your own fucking business." Ok, that last one was just to me. And let's go one step further and see the beauty and love in others. If someone is short with you, it's not about you. We can't possibly know what that person is working through in their lives right now. So rather than taking everything personally, the next time you feel slighted or you simply can't understand or "figure-out" why a person is acting the way they are, stop. You don't have to know. It's not about you. Offer up a little prayer of support for that person and move on with compassion and a little grace.

Unrequited Closure

2009-11-06T11:19:00.000-05:00

So I don't think it's all that uncommon for people to have feelings surrounding a relationship long after we have stopped seeing that person. What I'm wondering about are the best ways to let go those things that may be holding us back. In my situation, I'm thinking of a person I have known half my life. We never really escalated our encounters to a full-fledged romantic relationship but it would have seemed so from the outside. Nothing was lacking except the commitment. My feelings for this person were magnified to a degree that still gives me shivers. He had equally deep feelings but for him, these feelings hovered comfortably in the friend zone while I was shamelessly desperate for more. We tried so valiantly to say everything at the end, not really sure it was the end as there had been so many ends for us before that one. It takes a goodly amount of time, I think, to start to see something like this with even a shred of objectivity. For me to see that when he said, so emphatically, "Don't settle!", he may have been talking about himself. It took me years to see how much I was willing to give up for him. Even now, when I haven't heard his voice in three years, I'm overcome with emotion at the thought of actually seeing him in person. How is it that this person affected me, or still affects me, so deeply, when it wasn't meant to be. Well, I think I've made peace with that part of it for now. I need to believe that he was put in my life for me to learn about love. I learned from him the depth and breadth of the love I have to give. I learned what it feels like to be treated lovingly, respectfully. I learned what it feels like to make love and be so in-tune with your partner that all else melts away, and then suddenly returns but as a part of you. I learned about comfortable silence. I learned about unquestioning, unwavering support. I learned about being in love with someone who is a friend first. I even learned a bit about the beauty in myself. These are all great things to know, so what brings me to the keyboard today to whine to anyone who will listen? Fear. I know that I can love someone with all I have. Having been mostly single for five years, I think I can even do that without giving up who I am- now that's progress!! But I also know the danger. So I find myself, as I so often do, struggling with balance. Fighting between two, or more, instincts. The deepest instinct tells me that all is well. The world is an intrinsically kind place, in spite of all we see. The man who I'm imagining will come into my life and we will have BIG love. He will love me back in every way and all will be happy and well. Sounds great. But then there's the fear. (Oh Rozencrantz, I am afflicted!) Will I be able to give of myself in that way again? Will I be able to trust another? More importantly, will I be able to trust myself? After having spent so long believing that someone was my one, only to learn that I was very wrong, how can I trust my heart? And Goddess help us if I start letting my mind make relationship decisions! So if I know that seeing or even talking to that past lover is a mistake, I know that initiating contact is detrimental, where do I go for closure? Any contact between us would try so hard to be friendship and would come out twisted with want and sodden with fantasy. And that's if we managed to keep it out of the bedroom, which we never did in the past. So to the question of my moment- Is it functional to imagine closure? I know I could write a letter and burn it, releasing all the uckh into the Universe, but I crave a dialogue. Is it totally crazy for me to re-invent a last conversation? One in which we both really say everything. One from which we walk away feeling content, feeling heard and understood. One that gives me the courage to go forth and the strength to love again.

Why blogging is weird

2009-11-04T12:13:00.000-05:00

I started this blog to share my writing with people- anyone who would share their opinion or rant with or against me. The problem I have so far is that I haven't found a way to share with people without specifically inviting them. I also haven't found a way to search through other blogs and read what other people are writing about. I think this is operator error. I will do my best to figure it out. It's weird too because I'm not holding a pen. When writing in my journal, or on any available scrap of paper, there is a sense of privacy that is lacking here. I know that I can re-work and edit to my heart's content. I think that's why I like this format. It's so immediate. It lacks the organic feeling of putting pen to paper but it affords a kind of frankness that I tend to curb when I share my writing. If nothing else, blogging has quickly become a great outlet for those in-the-moment ramblings when I'm near a computer and an interesting new format and tool.