Want / Am / But

I want to figure it all out. I want the world to make sense to me and to understand why there is war and suffering. I want to understand politics and history. I want to be able to look at it all and say it makes some kind of sense.

I am never going to make peace with the fact of war. There is no way to make it alright, it's all wrong. I will never understand why we allow suffering to take place at all on this planet. I am never going to understand borders and when I try to understand politics, what I really understand is that it's convoluted for a reason. If someone studies for years, they start to "understand" but I think they're really just brainwashed into believing it all makes sense.

But, I really do believe that we can be the change we want to see in the world. I'm not sure how many of us need to live in peaceful ways to bring peace to the whole world, but it's time to really start trying. I feel safer not knowing what politics are about because I think they're so corrupt that understanding would not do anything to help me learn how to change things. Things don't change through politics, politic makes it hard and almost impossible to change things. Things change when people think outside the box, when they let go their grip on consensus reality and start to imagine what we could do if we believed it to be possible.

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I want to make big changes. I would love to initiate a movement of strong, self-love around the world because I believe that any love has to start with the self. I want life on Earth to be about healing and growth, about what we each have to give all the rest. I want every person to start to see their own worth and realize that we are all equal, we are all necessary, and we are all part of the same system of life.

I am not in a place to speak out to thousands or millions or even hundreds of people. I don't know how to get my thoughts out there to the world. I am trying my best to believe that the love I feel is enough, that when I pray and meditate, or when I show compassion for one person it sends that loving ripple out over the whole world.

But I know that this is only where I am right now. There is so much unknown in my future. There may come a time when I can speak to many people, when I can appeal to their higher voices, to their higher selves. It also may always be in the seemingly small ways that I make this want known. I may talk to one person who wakes up to something because of that conversation and goes out into the world with a new message of their own love.

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I want to feel healthy. I want to take better care of my body, mind, and spirit. I want to lose weight, (the unending quest of all western women?). I want to accept myself as beautiful every day. I want to know that I'm doing all the things I can to take care of me. I want to devote myself to Yoga, regular exercise, and a more structured meditation practice.

I am a busy single mother. I am doing the best I can. I am trying to recover from some work-related overuse injuries that have made it almost impossible for me to practice Yoga lately. I am turned-off by any pre-occupation with the way we look, especially my own. I am in a constant and probably all-too-common struggle between accepting myself as I am and striving to be better, (the gist of this post).

But I know that how I look is not who I am. I know that we all go through times when we take better care of ourselves and times when we don't. I have a lot of knowledge about what I should be doing and I have my whole life to start putting these things into practice. If I'm patient with myself, I'm more likely to start making changes soon.

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I want to be a perfect mother. I want my daughter to have a fun childhood and also to learn about responsibility. I want to give her all the opportunities I can. I want to do all I can to ensure her strength as she grows through the tumult of adolescence and into her adult life.

I am not a perfect anything. I love my daughter with all I have but I am only one person. I lose patience sometimes and others I'm too lazy to teach her to help when I know I could do the thing I'm teaching her in a fraction of the time. Parents always struggle with providing. I can't pay for her to go to an amazing school, or even for most extra-curricular activities.

But I do the best I can. Loving her and expressing that creates a stable foundation in our relationship so that even though I can't protect her from the slings and arrows of life, she knows that she can come to me with anything. I encourage her imagination and growth. I let her know that I'm not always right. I remind her that it doesn't matter that I don't like the music she listens to, that's her choice. I do my best to give her space to grow and also to instill the idea of responsibility. I'm open and honest with her and very affectionate. Honesty and affection were a bit lacking in my upbringing so I feel like I really am doing my best.

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I want to take better care of the Earth. I want to recycle EVERYTHING and compost and be more mindful of the packaging I pay for. I want to learn to can food and plant a garden every spring. I want to learn more about sustainability and green living.

I am, again, doing the best I can. I recycle all paper. I couldn't afford to plant a garden this spring. I do my best to avoid toxic chemicals to clean with. Green living is not cheap living and there are days I can only do what I can afford. I'm getting better at this stuff little by little. There is a LOT of information and I am not able to devote my life to the pursuit of being green at this time.

But, I have good intentions. I'm becoming more aware and stepping more lightly. I think that with time my knowledge will translate to greener living. I have to be reasonable with what I'm able to do. Every change counts!

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I want to find peace within myself. I want to let go of wanting, let go of should. I want to spend at least some time every day being ok with everything.

I am human. Life is about growth and if I was always content with who and where I am, there would be nothing to grow against. In that way, I'm grateful for the discontent.