Friday, September 24, 2010

Want / Am / But

I want to figure it all out. I want the world to make sense to me and to understand why there is war and suffering. I want to understand politics and history. I want to be able to look at it all and say it makes some kind of sense.

I am never going to make peace with the fact of war. There is no way to make it alright, it's all wrong. I will never understand why we allow suffering to take place at all on this planet. I am never going to understand borders and when I try to understand politics, what I really understand is that it's convoluted for a reason. If someone studies for years, they start to "understand" but I think they're really just brainwashed into believing it all makes sense.

But, I really do believe that we can be the change we want to see in the world. I'm not sure how many of us need to live in peaceful ways to bring peace to the whole world, but it's time to really start trying. I feel safer not knowing what politics are about because I think they're so corrupt that understanding would not do anything to help me learn how to change things. Things don't change through politics, politic makes it hard and almost impossible to change things. Things change when people think outside the box, when they let go their grip on consensus reality and start to imagine what we could do if we believed it to be possible.


I want to make big changes. I would love to initiate a movement of strong, self-love around the world because I believe that any love has to start with the self. I want life on Earth to be about healing and growth, about what we each have to give all the rest. I want every person to start to see their own worth and realize that we are all equal, we are all necessary, and we are all part of the same system of life.

I am not in a place to speak out to thousands or millions or even hundreds of people. I don't know how to get my thoughts out there to the world. I am trying my best to believe that the love I feel is enough, that when I pray and meditate, or when I show compassion for one person it sends that loving ripple out over the whole world.

But I know that this is only where I am right now. There is so much unknown in my future. There may come a time when I can speak to many people, when I can appeal to their higher voices, to their higher selves. It also may always be in the seemingly small ways that I make this want known. I may talk to one person who wakes up to something because of that conversation and goes out into the world with a new message of their own love.


I want to feel healthy. I want to take better care of my body, mind, and spirit. I want to lose weight, (the unending quest of all western women?). I want to accept myself as beautiful every day. I want to know that I'm doing all the things I can to take care of me. I want to devote myself to Yoga, regular exercise, and a more structured meditation practice.

I am a busy single mother. I am doing the best I can. I am trying to recover from some work-related overuse injuries that have made it almost impossible for me to practice Yoga lately. I am turned-off by any pre-occupation with the way we look, especially my own. I am in a constant and probably all-too-common struggle between accepting myself as I am and striving to be better, (the gist of this post).

But I know that how I look is not who I am. I know that we all go through times when we take better care of ourselves and times when we don't. I have a lot of knowledge about what I should be doing and I have my whole life to start putting these things into practice. If I'm patient with myself, I'm more likely to start making changes soon.


I want to be a perfect mother. I want my daughter to have a fun childhood and also to learn about responsibility. I want to give her all the opportunities I can. I want to do all I can to ensure her strength as she grows through the tumult of adolescence and into her adult life.

I am not a perfect anything. I love my daughter with all I have but I am only one person. I lose patience sometimes and others I'm too lazy to teach her to help when I know I could do the thing I'm teaching her in a fraction of the time. Parents always struggle with providing. I can't pay for her to go to an amazing school, or even for most extra-curricular activities.

But I do the best I can. Loving her and expressing that creates a stable foundation in our relationship so that even though I can't protect her from the slings and arrows of life, she knows that she can come to me with anything. I encourage her imagination and growth. I let her know that I'm not always right. I remind her that it doesn't matter that I don't like the music she listens to, that's her choice. I do my best to give her space to grow and also to instill the idea of responsibility. I'm open and honest with her and very affectionate. Honesty and affection were a bit lacking in my upbringing so I feel like I really am doing my best.


I want to take better care of the Earth. I want to recycle EVERYTHING and compost and be more mindful of the packaging I pay for. I want to learn to can food and plant a garden every spring. I want to learn more about sustainability and green living.

I am, again, doing the best I can. I recycle all paper. I couldn't afford to plant a garden this spring. I do my best to avoid toxic chemicals to clean with. Green living is not cheap living and there are days I can only do what I can afford. I'm getting better at this stuff little by little. There is a LOT of information and I am not able to devote my life to the pursuit of being green at this time.

But, I have good intentions. I'm becoming more aware and stepping more lightly. I think that with time my knowledge will translate to greener living. I have to be reasonable with what I'm able to do. Every change counts!


I want to find peace within myself. I want to let go of wanting, let go of should. I want to spend at least some time every day being ok with everything.

I am human. Life is about growth and if I was always content with who and where I am, there would be nothing to grow against. In that way, I'm grateful for the discontent.


  1. profound & beautiful!

    "I am not in a place to speak out to thousands or millions or even hundreds of people." just spoke to at least 19 & if you network blog on Facebook then you've probably at least tripled how many heard your voice - share it, it's worth of my favorite quotes, which I'll probably get wrong:) "Speak your truth even if your voice shakes"
    Love your truth

  2. Thanks so much! That love makes me a little braver to speak it!

  3. A great post, I've really enjoyed getting to know you.

  4. Thank you. I think it's important we let ourselves be "known" a bit more.

  5. Melissa a post worth sharing... I would love to share this on my page

  6. Thank you! I would be honored and would appreciate that! I feel like I could write three more posts in the same tone. There's so much I want to be/do, so much I am and so many buts!

  7. I love it. And I especially love your last line: I am grateful for the discontent.

    How wonderful to be grateful even for that. What I hear loudest in your message is: I am doing the best I can. The best we can is all any of us can do. And your best is grand!

  8. Thank you so much! I think it's just that human need or desire (want) to always be better than we are. I'm struggling to get to the point of balancing that with contentment with who I am now. Your best is grand as well!

  9. After a lifetime of trying to change the world and being a part of history...I came to that place where I realized an important thing...being love is more important than being loved. Of all of the memes that are repeated around the world, what you articulated is what we all need to repeat. Perhaps a blog doesn't reach millions, though it has the potential to, but even if your thoughts resonate with just one...well that is call it takes. I had my blog flagged after I posted a push for peace. Peace never comes through war. We can fight for peace. That is like saying poison kills cancer, yet hospitals continue to use chemo to 'cure'. We are selfish, imperfect, and fearful creatures that want our 'fair share' and those artificially created needs in the media to get us to buy what we truly don't need. They sell us fear and insecurity for all of our 'problems' and socially engineer us in our it takes courage to say 'I'm not buying what you are selling'.

    The most revolutionary thing to do is to speak truth in times of universal Orwell wrote all of those years ago. What we all must do is to say what we see. It isn't about being smart enough or having the credentials to speak your truth or to even buy the official explanations for what we all see. We need to see it and say it and not be imprisoned with the careful political correctness that is causing us to censor our words out of the created fears of governments.

    We are seeing. That is what they are afraid of, so don't ignore your inner alarms...those are the things they want to shut down.

    It is time to end 'problem-solution-reaction' cycles...

    Since the solution providers are the ones who are creating the problems to profit off of our fears.

    Wonderful post...

  10. Wonderful comment! There is so much here! "being love is more important than being loved"- so true! And I might have to quote you in my next post. You really share my world view about so many things. I'm so weary of people feeding into consensus reality. You clearly are seeing beyond that and even to the source of our confusion! I'm learning to speak my truth more and more and it's scary sometimes. People don't get it and I'm often standing there with no way to show them any more clearly. I've decided, though, that it really doesn't matter what people get. They will take what they can and use it and the rest may sink in later.

    And you're right, we can't fight for peace. I realize that anything "fought" for or against is futile. It's in the language. We're pushing against something, no matter what our aim is. I'm not sure yet how to work for peace but I know that the first step is Love.

    Love is the antithesis of Fear and I believe they are the two greatest forces on the planet. Fear is manufactured by governments, by corporations, by society, sometimes by ourselves. It feeds all of the negative emotions- hate, anger, envy...

    I believe that things are coming to a head here on our beautiful planet. Those who manufacture fear are starting to think they have us where they want us but what I see happening are tons of groups popping up, on-line and around the world, whose goals are love and conscious evolution. I pray that we're nearing the time of mass saturation, that so many people will have been awakened to love and the good in us all that it will simply become part of what everyone knows. Fruit washing monkeys. I hope and pray...