Thursday, February 10, 2011

Remember Pollyanna?

Michigan winter really takes a toll on me.  February 2nd was Imbolc, a day that signifies the Wheel of the Year turning closer to Spring!  I was blessed with a day off work due to the snow and found it extremely relaxing and restoring.  I think over the past decade of learning, (if not always celebrating), the Pagan holidays, I've started to become attuned to the seasons and the passage of time.  Maybe it's romanticism, but what a great thing to have in spirituality!

Whatever the cause, I do feel a bit more light, like Pollyanna's waking back up.  I think I'll ask life to try and schedule more difficult issues in warmer months.  Every year I feel tired and am easily depressed in the winter.  This year I've started to wonder about a new theory of depression, at least for me.  I think it's a kind of forgetting.  Like something inside slows down and I just start to forget how to go about my day.  I forget that when I'm having anxiety and difficulty dealing with a crowded store, my almost-smile is my best defense.  It keeps me feeling warm and safe and reminds me to slow down, and stops me from shining a scowl at everyone who looks my way.  I forget about laughter and what great medicine it is.  I think I sometimes even forget how much I love everything and everyone.  I forget, again and again, how much better I feel after spending time with friends. 

I think that may be the most important thing to remember.  I want to hibernate all winter, leaving the house only for work and necessary shopping.  Ok, I don't even want to go to work, but you get the point.  I don't want to drag myself out into the cold and wind.  My feet get wet sometimes or the bottoms of my pants.  And it's COLD!  I don't like the cold!  But then I get over it and go, because I know it's good for me and will make me feel better.

Last Friday was my birthday and I went to Hill Auditorium in Ann Arbor and watched free music with my daughter and some friends, then went to a friend's house for coffee, cake and wine.  It was wonderful!  I went to my mom's Sunday for dinner.  Then Monday I went and visited another friend and had delicious dinner and lots of fun, and Tuesday was Witches Night Out so that was a ton of fun.  (I'm just realizing that I ate at all these events.  Coincidence that I had such a good time?)

Between the year moving along and dragging myself out to have a good time, I'm finally feeling better.  I think I wasn't doing as well as I assumed with winter when I got that medical news and, coupled with the terrible way the information was delivered, it caused me to blow a fuse.  I really think I've been in a fog or in shock the past four weeks or so.  So I'm peeking out into the world now, remembering how I wanted to blog a lot this winter.  Really, remembering a lot of things I wanted to do this winter and I'm honestly not sure what I've done but that almost none of what I set out to do is done.  But winter's not over- only almost, and that's a good thing. 

I'm doing my best to welcome Polly back from her slumber.  Maybe she's been hanging with Persephone for a while?  Whatever, I need her and I'm feeling almost able.  I want to jump up and feel exuberant and shiny and excited again soon!!  I have great gratitude for all my friends, I couldn't make it through this season alone.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


They say that God never gives us more than we can handle.  They are full of shit.  If that were true, there would be no suicide.  If that were true, there would be no such thing as a desperate act.  If that were true, none of us would need any help, and we do.  We all need a lot of help in our lives- so much more than most of us are willing to admit.

I saw this within myself first- struggling and struggling and even denying the need for help when it's offered.  Then I started to notice the weight of others around me.  I think about what life asks of some people and how little support some of us are offered. We all feel good when we help someone and we know that, so why do we go to such lengths to "do it ourselves"?  I know that- for most people- asking for help is a lot more difficult than offering help or agreeing to do so.  It seems we all have this false notion that if we aren't able to do everything in our lives on our own, we're somehow generally incapable.  So then why are there so many of us?  Why develop relationships and create families if we're just going to go it alone, anyway?

I've noticed, lately, that I feel less love than I'm used to.  Like, love-for-it-all kind of love.  I've felt grouchy and irritable and resentful of people around me.  Just in general, which is not really my nature.  I'll blame some of it on winter.  I've always had problems with this season.  But there's so much more than that.

Maybe I would be feeling better if I asked for help.  Even if I'm not sure what that means right now, only to say that I feel like I need it.  Maybe that's the beginning of kindness?  I think there is a type of kindness in asking for help, in trusting someone with what feels like vulnerability.  Because like courage is moving through fear and acting in its presence, strength may be found by exposing vulnerability and asking someone to acknowledge and help heal it.  (This is all just a theory.)

P.S.  In the realm of things "they" lied about, that thing about loving something and letting it go and if it comes back it's yours?  That's blarney too.  Just thought you'd like to know.  But my thought is that if you let go with all your heart and in a loving way, you make room for something else that fits and will give love in return.

P.P.S.  I think this post makes less sense than any I've written.  Don't help it, though, it's still making some kind of point, I'm sure.  Or I hope.  Or it just felt good to write it.