The Value of a Person

I've been thinking a lot lately about what we value in other people.  I think there are some scary cultural norms but the real answer varies greatly from person to person.  I recently moved to a college town and I've overheard and witnessed all kinds of snobbery based on education, which I find so ironic.  I have friends who have prestigious degrees and friends who are professors and they don't seem to judge based on a person's education or lack there-of, but I have some exceptional friends and much gratitude for them.

There are so many different ways we categorize people- education, type of employment, perceived success or achievements.  I just wonder what these things really say about a person.  I have met so many "educated" people who have routinely proven themselves to be ignorant or closed-minded and really out of touch with reality. I experience the unfavorable looks when I tell people I clean a library, as if that tells them something about who I am.  I've seen how I shrink to some people when they learn what I do.  You know what? They shrink to me because of that reaction.

I have been at this job for (almost exactly) eight years and in that time I've really struggled with not defining myself by what I do.  I work with people who have told me I'm probably the smartest person in the building.  I don't know if I agree with that but I'm no slouch.  I have a voracious appetite for knowledge and am, therefore, very self-taught.  This means that there are a lot of things I know very little about and a lot of things I have picked apart as best I can to figure them out.  I think that's true of most people.  We learn about what we're interested in.  But I am sure that there is not a degree on this planet that makes anyone an expert in anything, and if there were, what's that anyway?  Someone who knows a ton about one thing.

Here we go with the circles again.  What I'm trying to work out is what is really important, what is really of value in a person?  When I think of my friends, the people who I spend time with, the first thing that comes to my mind is an open mind.  I have unpopular opinions and a lopsided world-view so I need to hang out with people who will hear that and accept me without the need to agree or disagree.  Kindness is the most important thing any of us can carry.  It's become almost novel, to be kind in general to those around you.  I like people who laugh easily and freely, and who have strange senses of humor.  I think authenticity is also hugely important.  If you're not being yourself, I don't care who you are.  I want to know real people.  I don't understand people who put on airs to try to make themselves appear to be perfect.  I see this a lot in people who have a lot of money.  That sounds judgmental and I think it is so I'll just fess up to that right now.  But I have a friend who lives in one of those fancy neighborhoods where all the houses look the same and everyone has to make sure their kids have the same new cool toy as the neighbors.  It just goes on and on.  There's such an immature attitude that seems prevalent in the whole little community.  My friend, an exceptionally sensitive, authentic, and generous person, is miserable and at a loss for how to deal with these people.  I know that not all people who have money are like that, but I think somehow in the quest for "bigger, better, newer, more", people forget about what is truly important.

I wonder about that greedy need. What if you had nothing?  What if there was no money, no car, no house?  Or what if you suddenly found yourself in a crappy "job" (like, I don't know, cleaning) and you had an old car and a rented home?  Would you suddenly be a different person?  The answer is yes if you defined yourself by those "things" in the first place.  I would like to say that I don't judge myself in these ways, that I don't have wants that distract me from needs, but I did grow up in America and I'm not immune to consumerism or to the sad way we evaluate things.  I think my awareness of it stops me from really buying into it all, though. 

I know that who I am is something (indeed, the only thing) that can never be taken from me.  I am a loving, kind person and I do my best to evidence that every day.  I am learning to be less judgmental and more patient.  I am learning about what really matters to me and how different that is from what the rest of society seems to deem important.  I stopped watching T.V. because it's so full of negative messages and feeds low-self-image.  I have realized that if I want to be a truly loving person, the most important thing is for me to love myself.  I can't afford myself the luxury of sitting back and saying "I'm only a custodian." or "I have no degree and therefore no worth>." because I don't really buy into any of that. 

I know that my worth is in what I do and how I interact with the world.  It's in how I show up every day. It's in the fact that I'm so content, so happy and feel so blessed to live my life that might, to others, seem like a struggle.  I'm aware of the things I struggle with but they're mostly worldly things and are not as important to me as they seem to be to others.  I have great friendships.  I have a beautiful, amazing daughter.  I live in a wonderful house with a gorgeous backyard where I can sit and meditate all afternoon.  I live in a cool city where there are tons of fun things to do.  I have a sense of awe and wonder at the world that fills me with love and peace every day.  I have difficult days when it's hard to find that peace, and then I wake up again and it's there.  I am truly blessed and will never be better or worse than anyone.  We are all here.  We are all one.  We are all worthy.

Will You Burn with Hate or Love?

I feel like I have the same rant building again.  This is a different incident but based on the same old ignorance and hate.  "Christians" in Florida are planning to burn copies of the Quaran on September 11th?

Because my faith is one that is little-understood by main-stream society, often feared, and almost always misrepresented, I hesitate to criticize any other faith.  I have to admit that there is a strain in the general relationship between Pagans and Christians.  If you are into religious history, you might guess why.  Also many Pagans come from Christian roots so there are sometimes personal feelings involved.  That said, if I'm going to criticize, I'm going to be deliberate about where I direct that criticism.  There are many Christians in this world who are loving and feel as angry as I do about this.  None of this is directed at them in any way.

The people who have organized this "burning" and all those support it are a disgrace to Christianity and  to humanity.  I grew up Catholic and although they did, I learned we are not supposed to judge.  I feel like there is a constant stream of judgment coming from the Christian perspective.  In a country where we are supposed to have separation of church and state, why is it we hear the term "Religious Right"?  They criticize everyone, if you're not Christian or you're gay or you're a woman who wants rights over her body or even just a liberal (haha), I think they think you're evil and must be stopped.  They really and truly believe that their values are right for everyone and we should all just adhere to their way of doing things.  There is no appreciation of differences, no ability to see beauty in diversity, no ability to even see humanity beneath faith.  It's such a closed-minded and intolerant perspective.  I don't really like the term tolerance because it implies putting up with something you don't like and I'd like to think we can do better than that but I'd be happy with a little bit of tolerance right now.     

It seems to me that some Christians think that this country was founded on "their" religion, and that "theirs" is the only right way.  Even in the skewed history we get, we learned that this country was founded because of the need for religious freedom, and as one of my favorite bumper stickers says, Freedom of religion means ALL religions!  That means that we're free here to pray five times a day, or to go to church on Sunday, or to sit out with the trees, or to believe in only science and what's seen.  We can express our belief in Spirit in any way we want and we're not obligated to hold any belief at all.  That's a beautiful thing!  I do not, however, believe that right translates to the freedom to commit blatantly hateful acts.

There is no other explanation for this, it's simply hateful.  Again, it implies that these self-righteous Christians believe that "Muslims were responsible for that terrorist act".  So every person who practices a particular religion will act in the same way?  Considering the behavior of some priests over the past few years, I really don't think we should go there. If someone were to organize a bible-burning, what would the general reaction be?  People are acting as if there are sides to be taken on this, just like the masque. Have any of the torch-carrying bigots even read any of it?  Of course not!  They just know it's evil because it's different.  There's supposed to be some symbolism in burning them on that date, as if that holy book is a symbol of the hate that perpetrated those actions.  Their anger is the symbol of that hate. 

The thing is, that's a sacred text.  Just because it's not sacred to everyone, it doesn't lose that quality.  To set fire to it in this hateful way (I keep using that word) is a powerfully negative thing to do.  The Witch comes out in me again when I think of the consequences that might bring about.  I've learned in my faith that what you put out you get back in return.  Judging others does nothing but harm.  When you are loving towards the world, you get loving energy back.  I wonder what energy those people will get back?

The best thing I can do is to turn a blind eye to it.  I came, I wrote, I got it out of my system. (well, mostly)  I'm still reeling over the wrongness of this.  I'm sickened, yet again, by the media and the fact that this should never have been a story as it only instigated more hate and division. (Just doing their jobs.)  I'm disheartened by the rampant ignorance and fear that causes division in this country.  I'm grateful for my path and my ability to see all the beauty in every path to Divinity or calm. I'm grateful for my ability to step back, forgive, and love it all.  I'm praying for peace again and still.

Worn Thin

I feel like there is a lot I need to get out but I'm not sure what it all is. I am so utterly and totally exhausted from moving. And so very glad it's over! It's been the hardest job I've ever had to do. Being a single mom and trying to move a pack-ratted two bedroom into a cute little one bedroom is a task of magic for sure. The hardest part (I think) has been the emotional drain of too many opinions around me. I know that we all judge one another. It's automatic. Something is different from our own experience and therefore we think it's "wrong" or should be changed. The unfamiliar makes us uncomfortable. I know that I judge other people and I am trying to learn not to but like I said, it's automatic. We really have to work hard to let go that response. What's just as hard as not judging is being judged and not letting it get to you. In my heart of hearts, I know that what other people think of me is not important. If I start to really care what 'they' think, I'm sunk. It only pushes me further away from myself. I can't fit into the box that others think will be acceptable. I have to be very adamant about being who I am or I'll become just like everyone else. I need to be the strange, crazy, indefinable person I am in order to fulfill my life's purpose. We all have what we consider to be negative or less-desirable qualities or habits. I think (or I hope) we all are aware of the changes we need to make in order to feel healthy and whole. What people don't always realize is that their idea of healthy and whole and someone else's may look totally different. Of course if we're striving for something, we assume it is what anyone would want because we find it so desirable. It's like food, though. If several people go out to dinner together and they all order their favorite meal, each person gets something different. We all have somewhere we're going or someone we're striving to be. I have a very clear picture in my mind of the me I'm becoming. When I get too many friendly suggestions, that picture gets foggy or faded. I start to question the things I value and my methods. I second-guess myself and wonder about the validity of my choices verses what other people would do or think I should do. Meanwhile I'm straying further and further from the path I need to be on to get to the me I want to be. I read recently that often when people give advice, it's something they need to hear themselves. If something about my life bothers someone else, why? It is my life after all. They don't have to deal with it. They have their own life and hopefully they're living it the way they want to. So why give other people grief about their stuff? I feel like I'm wandering in mental circles here but maybe I'll eventually get somewhere with this. Because this is my process. Sometimes I have to let my brain chase its tail for a bit before things become clear. So if it bothers someone that I have so much 'stuff' or I own 'too many books', why? I'm not putting it in their space. It doesn't change the person I am. We do the things we do for a reason. Life is a process and we need different things at different times. There is no clear-cut formula that will work for anyone who tries it. We're all out here on our own doing the best we can with what we're given. We're all in progress. Another Ani DiFranco quote I have to share: * "I am a work in progress dressed in the fabric of a world unfolding offering me intricate patterns of questions rhythms that never come clean and strengths that you still haven't seen." * And what some people would consider a burden or a weakness, to others is a strength. Every obstacle is a teacher, every sticky situation is a classroom. When we spend our time and energy wondering or worrying at someone else and their life, we're not really living our own. I guess the final point is that I need be relentlessly myself. I need to stand up for myself when I don't have the energy to listen to opinions and tell people that. I need to be more sensitive to my own emotional state so that I can protect myself and not become overburdened with guilt or frustration or judgment that is coming from outside me. In the end, I know that I'm on the right track and that's all that counts. I need to make changes in my own time. I will not put myself through changes that other people think will be good for me. Only I know what I need and frankly, even that is guess-work. So if we don't have our own lives figured out, what right do we have to tell others how to live theirs? I guess none at all. I'm going to dig in my heels and live the way I need to and I'm going to think twice the next time I feel like giving someone advice.

How we hold ourselves back

I'm a huge fan of Ani DiFranco and some lines from one of her songs keep circling in my head so I thought I'd put them down here and explore. The song is "Joyful Girl". * "Everything I do is judged and they mostly get it wrong, but oh well the bathroom mirror has not budged and the woman who lives there can tell the truth from the stuff they say and she looks me in the eye says, "would you prefer the easy way? no? well okay, then don't cry." * First of all I have to say that Ani DiFranco is a super genus. Not simply for these great lyrics but for her whole mind-blowingly prolific career. Goddess bless her!! I love these lines because I feel so mis-understood so often. I don't have the energy or time to explain to the people around me why I think or act the way I do but I don't think we should have to. I had a conversation recently about how shocking it can be when people are blatantly rude or cruel. It really throws me- like I have no idea where these people are coming from that they would treat another person so unkindly. I think that's cultural, to some extent. That doesn't excuse it, but we have been raised and taught to do for ourselves. It takes a lot to un-learn that type of programming. So I really don't excuse that but it underscores the fact that we really can't understand where other people are coming from. They have had life experiences that we haven't and the collection of those experiences is what has brought them to this moment- in whatever state they may be. Aside from cruelty and downright bad behavior, I love how strange we can seem to one another just in how we do ordinary things. I saw someone parallel parking yesterday and there were no cars in the spots behind where he was parking but rather than just drive straight into the spot (which is what I would've done because I fear parallel parking) he drove past the spot and proceeded to back in, making it much more difficult than it needed to be. I drove by, thinking, "that's amazing!". Then I wondered why. Maybe this person is so used to parallel parking that it wasn't more difficult to do it this way. Maybe this person was practicing in a space without a car behind it to get more confidence. (Maybe I should try that.) Whatever the reason, it was one of those moments where I realized that we truly do not understand one another as individuals. (and that I am fascinated by people because who thinks of these things?) There is some freedom in that. If we could just be amazed at the different ways people do things, rather than railing that they 'should have' done it this way, who knows what we would learn? On the flip side of that, if we all did what we felt was right for ourselves (as long as it didn't harm ourselves or others) without even a hint of a thought to how other people would perceive our actions... Wow! What a world! If a business man suddenly started skipping down the sidewalk, because he felt like it, and nobody stared, or if they did, it just made them smile rather than thinking he'd gone mad. If we felt less uncomfortable with eye contact. If we could smile at strangers and say hello, instead of staring at the ground. If we could sing in public, because we want to and it feels good. If the word 'normal' was relegated to science labs because there is no such thing when it comes to living beings. If we didn't feel self-conscious after laughing too loudly because laughs should be loud and full. If we re-membered the freedom we felt as children. If we became more inquisitive and patient. If we let the world take on the mystery that is innate in everything, forgetting that we think we have it all figured out. If we were spontaneous and followed our instincts. If we danced down the street to the music coming out of stores, or to no music at all. If we appreciated the little moments and our own uniqueness. If being different didn't ever make anyone feel alone. If we could comfort strangers because we can see they need it. If we learned to use our talents to help all the rest. If freedom was not an idea or something for vacations, but the truth that we lived and breathed every day. If we knew that we were not going to be judged, how brave would we become?

Just Be Nice

There's this anonymous quote that I absolutely love. It says, "Be kinder than necessary because everyone is fighting some kind of battle." I think it's so true in our world today. And if anything could be even more true it's the fact that we are not usually as kind as necessary. Again I find myself to be the unstoppable hypocrite. We tend to view the behavior of others through the lens of our own experience, assuming reasons for their actions or behaviors. What we so often forget (I forget) is that others are likely going through life experiences that we could never understand or will never have to deal with. And why, for that matter, do we need to qualify the actions of others at all? It's like we need this information so that we can put people in the right box. Or we think we need to know, to have everyone figured out. Is this a case of looking outside to find answers because we can never really seem to figure ourselves out? More often I think it may be a way of explaining away something that has made us uncomfortable or we've taken something personally when almost nothing is. I'm looking for the bottom line here and I think it's this: "Be kinder than necessary because everyone is fighting some kind of battle.", and "mind your own fucking business." Ok, that last one was just to me. And let's go one step further and see the beauty and love in others. If someone is short with you, it's not about you. We can't possibly know what that person is working through in their lives right now. So rather than taking everything personally, the next time you feel slighted or you simply can't understand or "figure-out" why a person is acting the way they are, stop. You don't have to know. It's not about you. Offer up a little prayer of support for that person and move on with compassion and a little grace.