It's December first and I can't remember the last time I wrote a blog post that wasn't poetry. So, I characteristically ask myself: "What's up?". I think it mostly comes down to being busy. This is always such a stressful time of year, and there have been so many things whizzing around in my brain that none of them have been able to sit still long enough to become a complete and blogable thought. Since I love my blog and can really see how it's improved my writing, (and I miss all my fellow bloggers!), I decided to drag something out of there.
First of all, my plans for the winter. I've been feeling spread thin for a while now- like I'm trying to do too many things, I'm not doing all the things I should be doing, and, hence, things start becoming messy. Like: my house, my conversations, my intentions, my brain... What was I saying? Oh! Yes, messy... I feel as if I'm not giving my all to anything. I feel unfocused and impatient, nervous and lonely, confused and worn-out. Tasks take on a looming, monumental heft and my defense is to ignore them till they grow even more. Plans I had got lost, some buried forever and some waiting to be found. Intentions have become foggy, unsure. Creativity has been spotty at best. ( I always maintain that as long as I'm writing, things aren't really all that bad. I've been writing.) I've been fussy and picky, moody and tired. I've felt exposed and raw, been misunderstood and offended, and probably offensive. I've remembered what panic feels like- not good. I've remembered what complacency is- not good. But through this all, the optimist is shining.
Have you ever noticed how a truth you need to tell yourself is often found in what you desperately want to say to another person? I recently found myself overwhelmed by the beauty of another person and felt compelled to point it out. Wondering about it later, I got it- like a migraine: I need to realize and remember that I am beautiful. I need to take better care of myself. I am amazing and talented and kind and I deserve love and a happy life. Whew... that's good to know.
So I find myself needing to re-group. I've made a decision to scale back my social schedule this winter in order to really focus on my self and my life. I've gotten quite good at self-therapy, calling myself on my own shit and being open to the possibility that I'm often very wrong and my motivations are questionable. This has offered up a massive amount of questions (and even a few answers).
One of the things I need to focus on is my house. The Little House is, currently, the Little Warehouse- as I've emptied my storage into my home. Now, I live in a three room house with my daughter. (three rooms not counting the bathroom which is much more closely related to a closet) I have amassed, over the years, way more books that any one person needs, (that is until said person has a home with a library), and much other lovable but not necessarily useful stuff. One of my revelations in self therapy was the realization that my compulsive collecting started around the time my last relationship became abusive. Wow! That's a big deal! That means that at that time, I felt that all this stuff was, in some way, protecting me. I don't need protection anymore! I can't tell you how much easier it has become to let go of things now that I know why I have them in the first place. I need to excavate my house and make it a home- especially working on my daughter's room because it has dealt with the brunt of the storage. Two things that are contributing to my ability to make space: many friends coming this weekend to adopt books, then some helping me to donate the leftovers, AND my landlord gave me more storage space!! This project that felt so impossible and shameful, (yes, we pack-rats do, sometimes, actually feel guilty about what we have), now seems doable and simple. Well, not physically simple but certainly easier than it was before. My house is like my temple. It's where I rest and live, it's where I create, it's where I practice spirituality, it's the heart of my experience here on earth. Not to put to fine a point on it, but if I love my house so much in the bizarre state it's in, imagine how much I will love it this spring when it's straightened around and my daughter's room is decorated!
Aside from that, I just want to slow down. I want to work on crafts and work through some of the meditation books I've been reading. I want to cuddle my cats and watch movies with my daughter. I want to go sledding and drink hot-chocolate. I'm going to learn to cook some amazing vegetarian soups!! I want to work out and I want to rest. I want to, as much as possible, make my own schedule. I want to be gentle with me, see what other amazing things I can learn about myself. I want to attend to the most important relationship- mine with myself.
So- I will most certainly make time for my best friends (because I would surely cease to breath if I had to go longer than a couple weeks without them). I will go to poetry readings and witches' nights out and that's it. I'm grounded! It feels good!!
Hope you all have a wonderful winter. Since I'll be home, another hope is that I'll be blogging more!!