Monday, June 21, 2010

Searching for a Heart of Gold

  I've written a lot about things I'm very passionate about but not much about my emotional life.  For some reason today I feel drawn to share something I've been thinking about that brings up a lot of emotion.

I've been single for a little over six years.  I was, I guess, a serial monogamous since adolescence.  It seemed no matter how a break-up went, within months I was un-single again.  I didn't have a lot of relationships, but several long term.  I always seemed to start living the man's life, in terms of hobbies and friends.  I so wanted to spend time with him that I would become involved in whatever he was interested in.  I've been a fan or observer of everything from motor-cross and wrestling to Star Trek and RC cars.
       This is the first time in my life I've been single for any length of time and it's really grown on me.  I've taken the time to learn more about myself and what I like to do.  I've learned about my needs when it comes to relationships of all kinds.  I've remembered how much I love to be alone.  I've developed and cultivated lasting and meaningful friendships.  I've learned a lot more about the world, both the outer and the inner.  I've found some semblance of contentment within.  I would love to say that I love myself fully every moment and that I'm always the best Witch I can be, happy and smiling and helpful but that's not true.  What is true is that I've found a kinder baseline.  I've found a space within where I know that I'm ok, where I remember that I love myself.  I've found a much closer relationship with Deity and the love I feel flowing through that helps sustain and fuel me in difficult times.
      I've also spent a lot of time considering the type of partner I would like.  I've slowly cultivated a clear picture of what a healthy relationship will look like.  I've asked myself a lot of tough questions about the things I've done in past relationships that have caused me to lose myself.  I've become comfortable on my own, shedding that quiet feeling that I was somehow less valid without a man.  I've also thought about what would be important to establish for myself before becoming involved again.  This is where it gets sticky.
    I see the perfectionist I try to deny when I look at my expectations.  I feel the need to shed all bad habits, a few pounds, and have all the things that feel unorganized organized.  I tell myself I should be practicing Yoga and meditation more regularly, exercising too.  I should have a better system with my house so that I don't get behind in cleaning, laundry, dishes etc...  Sometimes I even think I should have a better job.  If you haven't already guessed, I'm trying to call myself on my own shit.
   Yes, it's important to feel like your life is in order when entering a relationship.  However, exactly how "together" can a single working mom's life feel?  I may be amazing some days but I'm not Superwoman.  And I see myself making very slow progress in some of these areas.  When I ask myself why that is, I realize it has a lot to do with lack of time and energy.
   I'm beginning to fear that I'm making excuses to stay single.  The only reason I am even entertaining these thoughts today is that I've recently had a welling up of feeling for that not-yet-met guy out there and I realize that I really miss having an other.  I wonder if it might be a little easier to manage my life if there was someone else I could count on to help me through it.  I have wonderful, supportive friends but there is something so unique in the support that comes from a partner.  There is something about being held by a loved one that is so deeply healing. 
    Then some bully related to my inner perfectionist tells me that this is weakness.  It's weak to expect a man to come along and "rescue" me or make it all better.  There is something to that.  I don't want to be dependent.  I do, however, want to slowly build a strong co-creative partnership.  The question seems to be: Am I ready yet?
    While driving home from work today, pondering whether or not to even write this post, I was listening to CBC Radio 2 (love!) and they played "Heart of Gold" by Neil Young. 

"I want to live,
I want to give
I've been a miner
for a heart of gold.
It's these expressions
I never give
That keep me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old..."

Neil Young was not yet thirty when he wrote this song.  It made me think about how, in the search for 'the one', we can start to feel old.  Sometimes I feel worn thin.  I guess it's just a good expression of loneliness, something I've denied even to myself.
    As I read the first lines, "I want to live, I want to give", it woke me up to the fact that it's not just what I miss having that makes me miss someone I haven't met yet, it's those things I so yearn to share.  I want to nurture and teach and learn and laugh.  I crave balance. I look forward to creating something I've not yet experienced with someone who is like-minded.

    I apologize for the circular rambling nature of this post but my mind (air) tends to be much more organized than my heart (water).  If you have any thoughts, please feel free to stick a hand out to catch this revolving door.



  1. Melissa it is wonderful that you can discover yourself through all of this and I am very sure that special relationship will come before you and you would be able to share your qualities instead of changing and remain the person you are

  2. Great to take time out to think about just what we do/don't want. Don't get too hung up on it though - we often find love in the most unexpected places ans with the most unlikely of people.

  3. Thank you both! I think I'm working on getting over my fear of vulnerability to a point where I can feel safe and ready to start again. This was a scary thing to post and I greatly appreciate your kind words!

  4. When I was a single mom, I had a lot of these same feelings. Take comfort that you are not alone.

    Another strong feeling I had, was knowing- I am doing it all for the right reason (my child), but I am tired of being the one doing it all.

    It is so nice when you reach the point when you feel as if you can let it all go and it will work itself out the way it works out.

    Whatever you newest endeavors are- go forth and have a great time, for nobody else but yourself. Others will notice and will want to join in. Just to find out what the fuss is all about.

  5. @ Who said that- I AM tired of doing it all alone, I don't know why I hate to admit that. Thank you so much for reminding me that I'm not alone, it does make it easier. I feel like I've done a good job of doing my own thing so far, I just had to work out my resistance- or lack of openness- to even considering a relationship. Somehow I can start to understand what's going on inside if I write it down and this is confusing stuff! Thanks for visiting!

  6. I just want to point out that I appreciate the distinction you made between desiring a companion in life versus wanting someone to fill a void in who YOU are. Also, it sounds like you're being pretty honest with yourself here! (If you haven't already guessed, I'm trying to call myself on my own shit.) I think that intention actually counts for a lot - and writing it out and having other people listen to you "ramble" helps you see your thoughts from a different viewpoint, thereby helping with the shit-detecting process ;) Also, I can def. relate to the feeling of wanting to "be with myself" before finding a companion and a similar yearning to balance that with my inner-perfectionist as well. A continual check for inner honesty counts for a lot. Trust your gut :)

    P.S. how do you know your mind is "air" and your heart is "water"? Is this a dosha or something?

  7. I have, in the past, tried to fill my own voids with someone else. It can be very painful. I really appreciate this comment because I was unsure about sharing this post and didn't understand why I felt the need to share something that felt so personal. However, I also want to feel more free about these things because it's a part of the human condition and I think there are a lot of things we try to keep private at the cost of wasting our energy when really, we all go through similar things. I love that you pointed out that getting other view points can help sort things out. It has helped immensely!
    In magic, the element of Air is related to your thinking mind, plans, thoughts, things you're learning and logic. This is where I usually write from. The Thinker inside. The element of Water is related to our emotional selves. Love, joy, fear, desire... this is where this post came from. Air seems so much more orderly. I have to admit to thinking in circles often in order to get back around to figuring out what I'm pondering but this type of emotional topic feels more like trying to write a tangled ball of string. It's a bit fascinating to see how these different "parts" of me work and communicate.

    Thank you all so much for responding to this post!

  8. wow, this is very honest and I think it made a lot of sense. It is tough to admit that you might want and perhaps need someone, and it's difficult admitting that you're lonely. I understand waiting until you think you're ready, as well as kind of making sure you're at peace with yourself. But there does come a time when you have to realize that the person you want will want to accept you, despite anything you might feel isn't perfect. I have been known to get into what my partner is into as well, and that is not necessarily bad, as long as I was honestly into it. Your perfect partner should do the same for you.

  9. I know. These are the answers I come to at the end of the Tilt-o-Whirl of my fears and insecurities. The right partner for me will love and support me as I am, and be there through any changes I feel I need to make. I have to let go of the idea that I need to be "perfect" before I meet him. That's not healthy as it is unattainable and also lends to the idea that when I get into a relationship, there is no more growth to be done. Thank you!