Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Hi, I'll Be Your Fool for the Evening

I've been really struggling lately. I'm doing my best to stand outside myself and look in and I'm not totally thrilled with how I've felt lately. I think it has a lot to do with the weather. I don't deal well with winter and while the weather right now is perfect, fall is the precursor of winter.

So I've been picking myself apart- again. I'm frustrated over my inability to find positive ways to speak out about things I'm upset about. I truly don't know how to express my anger in a way that's, well, less angry. Most people would wonder why I would want to do that. If you're angry, just be angry, right? But the problem is that I know better. Well, no I don't. I know that if I allow the actions of others to insight anger in me, I've become a part of the problem. The second I start acting or speaking from a place that is not loving, I'm working against what I want the world to become.

I was talking with my mom yesterday and telling her how I've been feeling depressed and somewhat disconnected and she said she thinks most people are feeling that lately. It's the economy or the state of the world, we're all depressed. That's when I realized why it's so important to me to keep my Pollyanna attitude intact.

I realize that sometimes I come off as ditsy or silly, some people equate happiness with being vapid. That's ok with me. I'm not very attached to what other people think of me because I know who I am and if someone thinks I'm stupid, they simply haven't gotten to know me. What is really important to me is the way people feel when they're around me. Have you ever noticed how someone who is incredibly happy can just light up a room? When you're happy, you don't really keep it to yourself, it gets shared by those around you. Just like love- when you give it away, you have so much more than you started with.

One of my dearest friends is a Tarot reader and we were talking about the Fool card a while back. The picture of the fool shows him about to walk off a cliff but he's totally unaware and gleeful. People have different perspectives of what this means but what it's really about is trust. Having trust that everything will work out in the end, that all will be set right- that's what the fool is about.

So I'll be the fool for the whole world if I can. If my silliness, my joy, my love for everyone, my ability to be strange and awkward and still happy can help lighten the weight we all carry, sign me up! I don't want to slip into cynicism, I don't like it there. It's dark and dusty and, quite frankly, it scares me a little. We all need to be reasonable in our expectations lest we get crushed over and over. But that doesn't mean we stop believing in the impossible!

So, Polly has dusted herself off, she's taking a little nap to refuel, and any second now she's going to start beaming again for everyone.


  1. I never thought of you as ditsy or silly. Your "Pollyanna" attitude is like a breeze in the summertime. But you don't need to force it. IF you're down, you can be down. Just don't let it keep you down or force you to be less than you know you can be. I get a lot more down days than I ever used to. It's sweet that you want to teach the world to be happy, but genuine happiness is better than forced happiness.

    I have to admit, though, your happiness has helped buoy me more than once. Your smiles are like a sunbeam and your laughter is like a salve. But please, don't make yourself happy just for others. Be actually happy.

    Though I do find the idea that you would be willing to do that INCREDIBLY SWEET. I don't want to encourage incorrigible behavior.

  2. Funny how the coming of the dark nights/cold, damp weather affects mood.

    Not silly or ditsy at all. I always find you refreshing and honest.

  3. @ Petty Witter- Thanks so much! I think I come across less crazy in writing. :)

    @ Paul- That's bordering on too sweet. I don't want to force happiness because I know it has to be genuine to do anyone any good. But I've learned that if I do my best to focus on the good and not on whatever is stressing me out, happiness shows up.

    And allowing myself to be down is fine for a short length of time but I'm too prone to falling into the icky sticky depression pit. I have to work at keeping my responses balanced with what I'm responding to.

    Maybe in my way, I'm using the idea that the world needs smiles and laughter to remind myself that I need them too.

  4. Never ditsy or silly in fact very sincere and honest. We all go through moments like these and to acknowledge them is strength.
    Be yourself and the rest will follow...

  5. Thank you! It's hard, sometimes, to see your own strength when you're admitting a weakness.

  6. I admire your honesty - writing directly from the heart. We all go through ups and downs, to appreciate the light we must know how the dark looks ;)

    great post! Glad you found me so I could found you.
    Write about your experience, it will help you to clean up all the unwanted feelings.


  7. Thank you so much! I'm glad we found one another. It's so empowering to see what other brave people are writing. I've come across a few things that have encouraged me to write on some difficult experiences. Now I just need to start:)

    loveNlight back to you

  8. You took a hard look at a problem you self-identified and you want to fix it and handle it...and you know what happens when you do that...answers come. That is what we all have been doing, is looking for a way to communicate that doesn't tear apart another person for their thoughts, feelings and actions without controlling or manipulating. We are trying to navigate through the minefields of hate to go in the direction of our hearts at a time when it feels like our words are just adding fuel to the fire. Muting us, disempowering it is important for all of us to dig deep and find the right way for each of us to get our message across. In my own search, which I feel parallels yours, I actually found an English book section at a bookstore in China. I felt drawn to three books...The Modern History of the World (comic relief) Van Loon, the Tao and a book by Dale of the foremost authorities of communication, which I mainly bought to peruse for an English Course I am teaching. I normally am repelled by list books...but I kept in mind something else...he rose out of the backwoods of Missouri to conquer New York. Everyone in show business for years aspired to have their day in Carnegie Hall. What was he known for? Public Speaking and teaching about persuasion, diffusing emotions like anger to get people to a place of communication. People lost the art and we are so full of dialectics to get people to drop their belief systems that people are getting angry because they KNOW they are being manipulated.

    If we want to make a positive impact...and there are MANY of us who do...we have to start with ourselves...and THAT is what you are doing.

    Sometimes it is about going back to the drawing board. You can have all of the knowledge in the world...but not possess the ability nor wisdom to communicate your message effectively. It isn't about changing the essence of WHO you are, but making yourself have the ability to communicate in a positive manner that maims no one.

    That is where we all need to start. Fault-finding is not going to work anymore. We all need each other to get out of the mess we are in. It won't be fixed by hurling our emotions at each other.

    Think of the Whos in Whooville when the Grinch stole Christmas...they came together...and weren't upset that all of their presents were stolen because they realized they had each other. That is how we need to live...and empower each one.

    Sorry for the long reply...but I felt your plea all the way here...and it was also my plea.

  9. I LOVE your long replies! One of the reasons I write a blog is to get responses from other people to help me see, more clearly, what I'm thinking about.

    We're going to find the loving ways to change, I know it. I think we're in the process right now. When I read what you and I and many others are writing, I realize that there is a deep need, an inner calling to peace. So many of us feel a bit lost and that's good. We're helping one another find the way and we feel the urgent need to change our trajectory.

    We're all so blessed (although it's a challenge) to be here and living at this time! What amazing things will come to pass!