Wednesday, October 27, 2010

In Numb

For One-shot Wednesday:

I feel so disconnected lately
I try to have a focused thought
and all I get is dial tone
when most of the time it's like hearing
six conversations bleeding through
but none of them make much sense
all overlapping and unfinished
and above it all a nasal monotone intones:

"You are now operating in survival mode."

So I move through the day
the same as the one before
doing all the 'have to's
so it seems just like living
only without really touching anything
and the voice continues:

"You are now operating in survival mode."

Then I'm angry at that voice
I want to defy her
so I shake myself with music,
laughter, conversation, books
I sing really loudly
when a feeling does come through
because I find they've become too big for me to hold
I shake myself to try to snap me out of it
but I'm still out of it
so I do what I can to comfort me
but in the background:

"You are operating in survival mode."

So I move again to the music,
the laughing, the talking, the words
I see how these things bring
each a tiny reprieve
and as the voice goes on and on
I live between breaths


  1. Melissa I understand how you feel as I have been through this recently. Go with the flow you will come out stronger. take the time to surrender to those feelings and nourish it with love, understanding and care and most importantly do not judge yourself.
    Take care

  2. Thank you! I've missed you here!
    The flow keeps carrying me along.

  3. You describe how I often feel. I guess we're all familiar with this numbness. But...we know it's temporary. Life will again flourish and you will awaken.

    Nice one shot!!!

  4. nice. i feel this way at times myself so a very confortable/uncomfortable feell to it...perhaps i need to sing and dance a bit more...nice one shot!

  5. Melisa, (I just discovered your name) I went back to check on some of your responses, which I didn't realize you made on your comments section. Anyway, I had written a long, drawn out comment on your previous post. I couldn't believe it wasn't there for some reason.

    Just know I always read your posts. And I love the Pollyanna in you.

  6. I live between breaths at times, too. Survival Mode could have been the title of this piece, too, although I like the title, "In Numb" -- it draws my attention immediately. Well done!

  7. I can relate.. I live between breaths too at times, and the time between two proper ones seems like an eternity.. Well written!

    My One Shot Is Here

  8. Myrna - Thanks! I need to remember the numb is temporary, the biggest fear in it is that it may not be! It means so much to me that you visit and read, thank you!!

    Brian - Yes! Please! Sing and dance more!

    Terresa - It's strange how we can feel "on-pause sometimes. Thank you!

    Leo - Great observation! I hadn't thought about that but when I feel like this, I'm not usually taking many proper, deep breaths. Thanks for making that link and for stopping by!

  9. Nice expression of how many of us feel at times. Life can be overwhelming, and we live it one day at a time just to get through the rough spots.

  10. Sometimes it even seems just varying degrees of overwhelming! Thanks for visiting!

  11. This is just fantastic, I wanted to point at every sentence and say - yes, yes that happens to me too!!
    'You are now operating on survival mode'- Love it!

  12. Beautifully said.. Dear Awitchtrying, I liked reading it... "I live between breath" what a powerful way to say the immediacy breath or life...
    thanks for sharing..

    ॐ नमः शिवाय
    Om Namah Shivaya
    Twitter: @VerseEveryDay

  13. I've been there many times myself. Great title!

  14. me_duress- Thank you! It's such a lonesome feeling! Thank you for making me feel less alone in it!

    Shashi- Dear Shashi:), Thank you for visiting!

    ll- Maybe when we're here, we should think of everyone else, and how we all get here sometimes, and we'll help one another bear the feeling? Thank you!

  15. Love the mood swing(s), metaphors in this.

  16. Thank you! Swings of too much mood and then none at all:).

  17. Wow, this is fantastic! You're so descriptive.

    I have felt that as well, it's easy to feel that you're apart. Disconnection is an awful feeling. You're doing what I do, though, and focusing on other stuff to help bring you out.

  18. Yep. It's like being in a bubble- like you're doing everything but a part of you is on the bench, just observing.