I was just pondering whether everything sweet in life has a bitter element as we get older. Even a new romantic interest is a different experience in your thirties than in your teens. You come to that person feeling, maybe, broken, or at least a bit worn-down. They come to you the same. We get hurt and after years and relationships and disappointments, we don't see the possibility of something new in the same rosy light. In fact, a part of us is scared to death of it. 'Why get that close to someone again? Don't you remember how much it hurt last time?'
Maybe I'm slipping away from my usual idealism into much-avoided cynicism, but it's just how I'm looking at it in this moment. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it's really a reflection of the experience of life. To me, this wakes up my feelings of longing for presence. My own presence in a moment, and the presence of the people I spend time with. I think I am starting to understand why so many spiritual traditions stress being "in the now". The only real way to experience great joy in this life is to really be doing what you're doing. At any given time we could be fraught with worrisome thoughts of bills, health-issues, work stress, friend's problems, the list goes on and on. There is always something that is out-of-alignment or difficult in life. True joy must only reside in the act of being totally, yet effortlessly focused on whatever the task is at hand in that moment.
I am not, however, a Buddhist monk or an experienced Yogini. It seems strange to me that it takes so much training and effort just to stop our minds for a few seconds. This is telling me that I need to start practicing meditation again, and soon! That's the only way I've found to consciously quiet my mind. I think as I learn more and more about how the world is set up, I need more and more to have a safe space inside. I need to put it all in a different perspective. I need to "take a few steps back, put on a wider lens". _Ani DiFranco, Everest I have to see the big picture and, thereby, simplify everything. Really, I need to re-write the story of all-that-is till I can digest it properly and put it in terms I can deal with.
My problem is always wanting to change everything. I've ranted about this before. I see the whole world and I forget that it's my life, my world I need to worry about changing. Little as it is, I really do believe that change for me affects the rest. I can't get out into the world and make great change if my own life is out of sorts. I need to put my pieces together in order to find the stability and peace I need to generate the ability to help others. I feel like I'm writing in circles again. That's ok, I like circles. They always bring me back to what the heck I'm getting at.
So I'll take the bitter with the sweet. I'll be willing to be brave, again and again, if it means I can move forward. I'll take on each moment and be present with however many I am able. I'll see that the sweet always outweighs the bitter. I'll let my cynicism slink back into pragmatism, retaining my idealism. How many isms does a person need? No matter, I just have to keep writing. Keep breathing. Keep loving this world. Keep knowing how beautiful it could be. Keep seeing how beautiful it is. Keep praying and feeling Love as the answer to everything. Keep letting the fear go, no matter how often it returns. Keep knowing that I'm on track, even if I can't see my way. I'll keep putting my weird thoughts out there to see if I'm the only one.
"One breath at a time is an acceptable plan, she tells herself..." -Ani DiFranco Tamboritza Lingua