American Ignorance Un-Mosqued

I have a rant today and I have to warn that I have a lot of emotions about this and I do not intend to hold back.  That said, if you are angry about the mosque being built in New York, please stop reading this blog and go straight to Hell.

I really thought that as a country we had gotten over the misconception that the tragedy of 9/11 was perpetrated by Muslims.  I thought people had gotten over the conclusions they had jumped to and realized how little sense they made.

I have to admit that I have heard of this story through friends and I don't watch the news.  This isn't a complicated issue so I feel comfortable writing about it.  What I'm hearing:  A mosque is being built near the site where the twin towers fell.  People are outrageously angry about this.  Who are these people?  A co-worker told me yesterday that she almost had to walk out of church because during the sermon the preacher was going off about this and basically saying that this was an evil action and surely implying that all Muslim people are evil as well.  What a kind and compassionate Christian perspective.  I'm sure if Jesus had been there, he would have agreed completely.  (You can't hear the sarcasm but it's thick!)

I have a few Muslim friends and they are among the kindest, most compassionate, gentle people I have ever met.  I have studied (admittedly not thoroughly) the Islamic faith and it is a very gentle path.  The only thing that has ever bothered me about it is that it is a very patriarchal faith.  This is NOT unique to Islam.  Have you ever met a female priest?  How long has it been that women could sit with men in Temple?  At it's core, Islam teaches the same loving message as any other positive faith.  Blaming all Muslim people for a tragic act committed by people who were clearly not following the tenants of that faith is ridiculous!  

Muslim people died in those buildings.  Can you imagine that?  So there were family members, friends who lost loved ones in this crazy act and then felt not only that loss, but a loss of freedom as everywhere they went, people began to look at them as if they were terrorists.  Then in the guise of protection, our government used this tragedy to systematically siphon off our rights.  We lost so much more to this tragedy that what was lost on that day.  We willingly gave up so much of our freedom and privacy.  We lost the cohesion some of us had worked towards.  We looked at anyone with dark skin and hair with suspicion.  We lost touch with what this country is supposed to be about.

The people who did this came from a very different place.  It is my firm belief that these types of actions only take place because of the unbalanced distribution of resources.  So people outside of the U.S. hate us?  I don't think they hate us personally.  I think they live in a place where day to day life is so difficult that it's easy to create hate towards a nation that seems to have everything dangled before them on a silver spoon.  I don't even think these people were intrinsically hateful.  I think they were taken advantage of and used.  They were fed anti-American propaganda and with the way we behave sometimes, we certainly give fuel for that.   I'm not saying that I am anti-American or that I condone terrorism by any stretch of the imagination.  What I will say is that we don't take responsibility for anything, as citizens.  I never hear people talk about what it must be like to live in the Middle East.  Why would we ponder that?  We have a tennis match to go to and then the kid's baseball game and a cook-out this weekend and the car payment and mortgage to attend to.  We'll think of other people another day.  Maybe next week, I think I have some spare time on Tuesday afternoon.  This is what makes me sick about the culture I've been fortunate enough to have been born into.

I don't wish I was somewhere else.  (Well, maybe Canada but they're not perfect either.)  I am so grateful to have been born here and I see the gift in it.  I know that it was luck, chance, that I could have come into being anywhere on this great round planet.  But knowing that, I think I have a responsibility to dwell in gratitude, to carry some compassion for those who were born into less favorable circumstances.

As a good Witch and a loving person I simply cannot abide the ignorance and hate I hear seething around me.  Anyone who holds these opinions should be ashamed of themselves.  To me, building a mosque in that area is a great way to bring healing.  This is a place of worship and of peace.  These people want to come here to pray and express gratitude.  Would anyone have complained if someone had opened a gun store nearby?

What really bothers me about this is the anger it causes in me.  This is not helpful.  I have shame over the way my country-mates are acting.  I am so pissed off that these hateful, ignorant opinions are being sent around the world in the name of the country I live in!  I don't want to feel this anger.  I want to be able to forgive people for being such assholes.  Maybe tomorrow.

Clarification?

I've been thinking of the post I wrote yesterday and something about it is bothering me so I'm here to explore that.  I think the main thing is that it's so vague.  Not a surprise since I don't really have the language yet to express this longing.  I see the different voices I write with in this blog and that came from a place that's not very organized.  That's not necessarily a bad thing.  I don't want to feel as if I have to be organized or proper or correct at all times.  I want to be human, unafraid of showing all the colors of this experience.

So what does it mean to me to have a spiritual life-path?  It's not a great big, pious sacrifice.  I'm not going to live in a cave or join a monastery or a coven.  I don't feel I have to change myself to honor this path.  My belief is that we all are good, inherently.  As such, I don't think I have to "live up to" my aspirations.  As a Christian, I always wondered how people could be comfortable "giving their lives up to God" or being "used by God".  The reason this sounded so scary to me then was that the Cristian idea of God was so stifling and judgmental.  It felt like a life of no fun, no cutting loose, no hilarity or debauchery, only being very "good" all the time.  Who wants to do that?

As my beliefs have grown and changed, I see that my joy is a potent way to worship.  If I'm dancing and twirling or laughing with friends, that's a great feeling and it feels good for a reason.  I don't believe that God wants us to abstain from everything that feels good.  I think we're here to delight in every moment that we can. If we can't enjoy ourselves, we aren't learning.  We're stuck.  Being joyful and showing that helps the world.  When you smile at other people, they smile back.  It's not something people think of a lot but it's a very powerful thing.  A little thing like a smile or a kind word can really change the landscape of someone's day.

So that's what this path is about to me.  I may never be in a job that evidences this path, (although I'd like to).  It may only be the small things that we all do.  I'm already doing those things- when I vacuum at  work I try not to suck-up spiders as I remove their webs.  Even though I don't have much money, I give to causes I believe in when I can.  If I'm in a bad mood, I am aware of it and do my best to not take it out on others.  When I'm in a good mood (thankfully most of the time) I try to share that.  I do my best to be present with people I spend time with.  I try to be sensitive to the needs of others and see things from other perspectives.  I always remember that there is more to life than this, that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience.  I guess I'm already walking the path, I just didn't recognize it as such.

Maybe in the future my path will show up in planting a community garden or volunteering in my city.  Maybe I'll teach classes, write books, give aid and counsel.  Maybe it will just be about praying and meditating in my living room.  Who knows?  Not me, but what I do know is that the most important element is trust.  Trust is what stops me from feeling urgency.  It's not imperative that I do anything, only that I trust that I will be in the right places, doing the right things, helping in the best way I can.  This affords me some freedom and strengthens my sense of purpose.  Just like I've always trusted that God was there, I trust that my path will unfold for me in the way that it should.  I will be able to make the right decisions.  I will be able to do the work. Whatever the world puts before me, I will be able to handle it and act with Love and Trust.

It's About Faith

I pray a lot.  I always have, since I was little.  It's become so much a part of my life now that it's almost like hunger, I feel the need.  The amazing thing about prayer now is that I get answers.  Not always and not complete solutions, but I get nudges in the right direction. 

I've recently had a very profound prayer experience and while I would love to share it with the world I don't yet have the words for it.  Let's just say I felt/saw/intuited/became aware of something I've never experienced before.  I have always believed that as humans, we have so many abilities we don't use.  I think we wall-off psychic ability out of fear of exposure and vulnerability.  I think we forget our intrinsic connection to everything in the tumult of daily life.  I think we lose faith to the machine of complacency.  I am so grateful that I've not lost this.

I'm not sure why I have always had such a strong and abiding faith in God.  From Catholic upbringing, through Baptist churches, through general Christianity, through Wicca straight into the Witch I am today, my belief in and connection to God have not waned a bit.  To me this is the seed of faith.  That even as a child, when I was aware that the things the church said were not true to my life, I still believed in God.  I must have had some borrowed wisdom then to have known that God did not belong to the church, that God is in our hearts and everywhere. 

Over the course of my life, while my connection stayed strong, my understanding of Deity grew and changed.  Obviously I no longer think of God as a male.  I believe Source is indefinable and genderless, but to make prayer easier on my little human brain, I choose to focus on the God and Goddess as balanced polarities and a complete whole.  I have never believed in being "judged" by God, only that our lives lead us down the course we choose to take.  When awful things happen, some people get angry at God, as if this could have been avoided and they can't understand why God (who they heard was great and good) would allow them to be in such pain.  What people don't take into consideration is that we are all here to learn.  If a bad thing happens to you, it is not necessarily a result of something you did wrong in the past.  That happens, we sew the consequences of our actions into the fabric of our futures.  But often things happen simply because they must.  They become our challenges and it's up to us to decide how to grow through them.  These are the worst, and maybe most common, times to turn our backs on Deity. 

So back to my amazing prayer experience.  I had to ask myself why I was shown this, why I received this gift.  What had I done to deserve this?  I have not been an avid studier of meditation, I have not committed myself to diligent prayer.  It took a friend to shine some light on it for me.  She told me that I've earned this path through trust.  It took a minute but that started to ring true.

Over the past few years, I've prayed a lot about finding my path.  I'm so shocked and saddened by the state of the world and it hurts me so deeply.  I've been begging for a way to help everyone.  I've continually given my life up to Goddess (God, Source...) and offered to do any work that will help.  I've said I don't care what I do, as long as I can make a difference, make something right.  I can't say that I can see what that work will be, but I do feel as if I've been heard.  I feel that my path is opening for me and I can start this work now.  I have to keep reminding myself- how many times do I have to quote this?- to BE the change.  If I am praying in rapture, if I am confident and believe in the power of Love, if I am positive and believe we can fix this, then those beliefs may just migrate into other open minds.

I don't think I have a point in this post.  Maybe it's this: prayer works.  Another thing I've learned recently: we can keep anything out of our lives by not being open to it.  If we JUST ALLOW, amazing things will happen. You would be surprised.  That message- just allow- came to me in prayer a few months ago while I was fretting over something I had to let go of.  I surrendered my armor and told Goddess it was up to her what happened, that I would not get in my own way.  She delivers quickly! 

Rough Draft

I wrote this poem at the laundry mat yesterday and it may not be done but I want to share it.

At the Washtenaw Coin Laundry

I love this town and all its colors
so many shades of black and brown and tan
on skins and eyes and hair and hands
accents that come from     I know not where
languages lilting lyrical lullabies
myriad mantras
so many gods    all one
All One
cultures not clashing
not shocking me
only calling to my eyes and ears
with whispers of lands I'll never see
secrets of souls
swishes of fabric and whiffs of oil
spices speak sustenance
words awaken wonder
music exciting in mixed-up modes
drifts from windows where
kitchens sit with laden bread
always a table to be filled with old places
a landscape of different
aromas  abundant      call back in time
ancestral  answers     gifting with grace
a smile touching eyes
gives me welcome without words
human-ness beyond language
beyond any perception
of not-like-me

Hindsight

I've been contentedly single for quite a while.  I needed time to get to know myself and to heal, to think about what went wrong in past relationships.  It's always so clear what the other person did "wrong" but it takes a while to see ourselves.  Time lends a certain objectivity that, while not always imparting the whole picture, can still be eye-opening and humbling.

Over the past few months my resolve has softened a bit.  I think it may be because I have a clearer picture of what I want a relationship to be about.  I'm weary of being out here on my own and long for the comfort of an other.  That longing doesn't assuage the fear, though.  Hesitance, maybe, would be more precise.  I know I can see where I've made mistakes but will that stop me from making them again?  I need to take a look at what I've done "wrong", or what has not served me in the past.

* I've looked at potential rather than present.

* I've thought I could change people. (What girl hasn't?)

* I've not taken my time.

* I've shut down when things bothered me rather than sharing how I felt.  This always causes a rift and the bond just breaks down.

* I've stayed when I should have left.

* I've ignored red-flags.

* I've charged ahead when my deep, true voice told me to stop.

* I've waited around for not-love.

* I've seen what I wanted to see, ignoring what was right in front of me.

* I've taken more shit than I should have.

* I've expected things to change but not done anything to change them.

* I've given less than I should have.

* I've given more than I should have.

* I've lost myself.

So my question to anyone who knows is this:  When you are willing to admit all of these things, does it help you to avoid making the same mistakes?

Thank you!

Thank you so much Yoga Savvy for the award!  Her blog is filled with interesting self-questioning and profound thoughtfulness.  I always feel a little lighter after having read one of her posts.
I will pass this on too.

Daily Spirit who I only recently started following.  Her writing is full of honesty, wisdom, and humility.  She has brilliance that shines brighter than I can say.

Pen and Paper finds the most interesting information to share.  Her posts let her sweet personality shine through and she always makes me think or laugh.

Pumpkins and Toadstools is one of my favorite witchy blogs.  She does so many different types of amazing art and craft projects and shares them, it's truly inspiring. 

The Domestic Witch is another favorite witchy blog.  If you want to learn more about the Craft, check her blog out!  She has so much information and explains everything so clearly.

Unwinding Self has a wonderful yoga blog that's much more than yoga.  I find the most beautiful poetry there and lots of honesty and openness.

Thank you all so much for writing and sharing!  You're truly beautiful!

Bittersweet

I was just pondering whether everything sweet in life has a bitter element as we get older.  Even a new romantic interest is a different experience in your thirties than in your teens.  You come to that person feeling, maybe, broken, or at least a bit worn-down.  They come to you the same.  We get hurt and after years and relationships and disappointments, we don't see the possibility of something new in the same rosy light.  In fact, a part of us is scared to death of it.  'Why get that close to someone again? Don't you remember how much it hurt last time?'
    
Maybe I'm slipping away from my usual idealism into much-avoided cynicism, but it's just how I'm looking at it in this moment.  That's not necessarily a bad thing, it's really a reflection of the experience of life.  To me, this wakes up my feelings of longing for presence.  My own presence in a moment, and the presence of the people I spend time with.  I think I am starting to understand why so many spiritual traditions stress being "in the now".  The only real way to experience great joy in this life is to really be doing what you're doing.  At any given time we could be fraught with worrisome thoughts of bills, health-issues, work stress, friend's problems, the list goes on and on.  There is always something that is out-of-alignment or difficult in life.  True joy must only reside in the act of being totally, yet effortlessly focused on whatever the task is at hand in that moment.

I am not, however, a Buddhist monk or an experienced Yogini.  It seems strange to me that it takes so much training and effort just to stop our minds for a few seconds.  This is telling me that I need to start practicing meditation again, and soon!  That's the only way I've found to consciously quiet my mind.  I think as I learn more and more about how the world is set up, I need more and more to have a safe space inside.  I need to put it all in a different perspective.  I need to "take a few steps back, put on a wider lens". _Ani DiFranco, Everest  I have to see the big picture and, thereby, simplify everything.  Really, I need to re-write the story of all-that-is till I can digest it properly and put it in terms I can deal with.

My problem is always wanting to change everything.  I've ranted about this before.  I see the whole world and I forget that it's my life, my world I need to worry about changing. Little as it is, I really do believe that change for me affects the rest.  I can't get out into the world and make great change if my own life is out of sorts.  I need to put my pieces together in order to find the stability and peace I need to generate the ability to help others.  I feel like I'm writing in circles again.  That's ok, I like circles.  They always bring me back to what the heck I'm getting at.

So I'll take the bitter with the sweet.  I'll be willing to be brave, again and again, if it means I can move forward.  I'll take on each moment and be present with however many I am able.  I'll see that the sweet always outweighs the bitter.  I'll let my cynicism slink back into pragmatism, retaining my idealism.  How many isms does a person need? No matter, I just have to keep writing.  Keep breathing.  Keep loving this world.  Keep knowing how beautiful it could be.  Keep seeing how beautiful it is.  Keep praying and feeling Love as the answer to everything.  Keep letting the fear go, no matter how often it returns.  Keep knowing that I'm on track, even if I can't see my way.  I'll keep putting my weird thoughts out there to see if I'm the only one.   

    "One breath at a time is an acceptable plan, she tells herself..." -Ani DiFranco  Tamboritza Lingua

It's About Sex

Why I'm a Witch

I've always wondered a bit about the things we consider "bad" in this society.  Like curse words.  They're just series of sounds, letters lined up in a way that is offensive to some people.  They seem to have some power because they're considered insolent. When we're young, we learn that masturbation is "dirty" and "gross", even though babies do it in the womb.  It is natural, healthy exploration of our own bodies.   I came from Catholic stock and most people know the Catholic view of sex.  It is for procreation only and NOT EVER for fun or connection, or even to express love.  So then the fact that it feels good to our bodies and our hearts is just some temptation we're supposed to try to combat?  We're supposed to deny the inherent beauty in this? No thank you.

I've always felt, instinctively, that if two people love one another, (regardless of gender or marital status), and are consenting adults in a loving relationship, who come together to share and delight in their bodies, that's a beautiful thing.  It's akin to divine communication.  And, indeed, ancient Pagans considered sexual acts to be sacred.  At Beltane, (May Day), couples would pair up and disappear into the woods to perform sympathetic magic, believing that their love-making would "show" the land and animals the fertility they relied on.  In ancient Egypt, in the temples of Isis, priestesses were trained in the arts of pleasure.  Men would come from villages nearby to receive blessing by laying with these women.  People understood that sharing in this way, in love, was not shameful but was a way to remember how deeply God and Goddess love us.  The ecstasy available to us through true love and trust is a glimpse of the energy of the Divine.  This is a gift to be held in reverence, not something that should be connected to shame or guilty feelings.  

The danger in placing sex in such a negative light is that it loses its importance.  It's not something we talk about, except between very close friends and, hopefully, those who we share it with.  It feels awkward to explain to our kids how intense and loving this thing can be when all they know of sex is media over-stimulation and that, according to most adults, they shouldn't do it.  Is is just me or is this a recipe to ensure most kids will experiment at a young age?

Imagine growing up in a world where sex- the physical act of kissing, touching, and making love, and loving relationships were considered sacred and greatly revered by all the adults you knew.  There is so little we hold collectively sacred that I'm having a hard time grasping for a metaphor.  I'm thinking of rites of passage.  Or maybe in terms of how decisions affect our lives.  We tell kids all the "bad" stuff that can happen if they are irresponsible but does anyone ever tell them about the wonderful things that can happen in their lives if they wait till they're older to have a sexual relationship?  Higher self-esteem, richer relationships, less stress, more self-reliance, the freedom of being a kid, a more responsible attitude when they are ready, and of course missing out on all those "bad" things that happen when people aren't safe. 

But how do we treat sex, as the "grown-ups"?  So many people are very casual about the way they share their bodies.  People have affairs, sleep with people they go home with after the bar, sometimes with people they would never consider having a relationship with.  This is a symptom of an emptiness.  It's present in us all to some degree and we try to fill it with the most spectacular things sometimes.  Food, alcohol, work, drugs, T.V., ...  The only way to stop the cycle is to start to really connect, and that's not something we need to do as much as it is something we need to allow.  If we truly saw ourselves as one, intrinsically connected, would we not have deep respect for every other one?  If we didn't feel shame for things we think are "wrong" with us, but saw ourselves a human and beautiful and equal with all the rest, would it not be easier to open up and trust others?

When I came to study the Craft, I found the reverence for love and sex not only felt refreshing, but true.  It made sense with what I had always believed.  Having this positive view allows me to love myself more fully.  I don't have to carry any guilt about my human-ness.  This allows me to talk to my daughter in a very sensitive but matter-of-fact way about her body.  I'm not uncomfortable with the questions so as I answer I can sense how much information she needs and not over-load her. 

As a woman, especially, I have so much gratitude for having found a path that does not admonish my sexuality but celebrates it.  This is as much a part of us and our lives as the air we breathe and the food we eat.  It's as natural as those, too.  (Well, more natural than the food most of us eat lately but you get the point.)  Whether we are in a relationship or not, it's important that we honor the fact that we are sexual beings and see that as pointing to our capacity to love.  This would be a good place to start to collectively let-go of negative feelings and allow ourselves to remember that sexuality is simply and beautifully a natural part of human life.  It's something to reflect on and celebrate. 

This has been yet another installment on things I would like to change about the world we live in.  Still love it, though, and hope you do too.

Journal Entry

 I've not been posting as often as I would like but it's made me think about the reason I set this blog up.  I wanted to share some journal entries.  I've been writing on my lap-top more often now because it's faster but I've started forcing myself to write in my journal because I love it and there's something so organic and natural about pen and paper.  So, here is a journal entry from a while ago:

8-21-08

I've lately been referring to this time in my life as a "forced state of growth" and in the beginning that's how it felt but now I see that what felt forced was simply my sprout breaking ground and coming out into the sun.  I had spent a lot of time buried under things that were holding me down - impeding my growth. I now open my eyes and behold the world at my fingertips. I'm aware that growth is not a state- or that it doesn't happen in a certain amount of time. This is the beginning of me becoming me.  Growth is continual - there is no summit, no finish-line. I can grow and learn for my whole life.  In fact my life is becoming an awareness of my ability to stay in this space- accepting of who and where I am and loving that but also embracing the incoming -  the knowledge and wisdom that life has to offer. Everything I need to heal and grow is being put before me in abundance. Hands to hold when I feel unsteady, shoulders to go to when tears must come, people who have been on-path longer than I have to keep my eyes lifted ever-upward, child-like spirits to remind me to stay little, brave souls to remind me how big we are, beautiful folks whose light shines so brightly to remind me that I shine too, so many ways to see and feel that we are all connected, an easy relaxed view of that so the responsibility of it does not overwhelm, the feeling that all things are doable, the growing knowledge of my own specific needs and so much joy in that, the strong desire to be of service as much as possible, a sense of wholeness I've never before experienced.  This is the most exciting time of my life and I could not be more grateful!!

Announcement

I started a new blog that I thought I should mention. It's for poetry, some of which I didn't feel comfortable posting here.  I also wanted to encourage other poets who read at a local cafe to post their work.  This is a link to the new blog, check it out if you're interested!

http://bucketofpoems.blogspot.com/

A Poem

I wrote this recently.  I was reading about the origins of the Goddess and how she was considered Sovereign.  It inspired me to write in a style I haven't tried since I was a kid.  Hope you like it!


         Sovereign

She walks out freshly into her
own world, that of her making
virtuously attuned to its every breath
ever entwined, ever open
receptive to the ebb and flow of
each cycle as it passes
intuitively present with every moment
giving graciously all the gifts of herself
never failing to abide by her heart

Non-Professional Writer

I found myself in a conversation about writer's block recently and I've been thinking about it since.  I realized that the reason I don't often struggle with writer's block is that I don't have any deadlines.  I did struggle with finishing a particular poem before the reading last week.  I was adamant about reading that one and so, felt pressure to finish it.  When I did, the anxiety about the reading almost completely dissolved.  All was right with the world and I felt brave. 
I'm not sure you can have writer's block when you don't have a deadline, but I do notice that I'll suddenly realize one day that I haven't written anything for a few weeks and it makes me nervous.  It can be disorienting, like an integral part of me is silent and I'm not sure why.  "Muse", I wonder, "you haven't deserted me for good, have you?".  Maybe she was just taking a break.  Then she'll stop by and won't stop chattering in my ear for days.  I love those days, when I'm so busy I can't even remember what all I've written. 
I've learned a lot about my process lately.  I write when there is something there and I don't try to force it when nothing comes.  This is the luxury of being a non-professional writer.  So on the days when my hands are sore from writing, when my cat is ready to attack my lap-top, when I've forgotten there are such things as dishes, I am in my element.  I feel so alive and so free, caught-up in the flow of life.  I'm happier when I write.  That is not to say I write about happy things, only that I feel better when I'm trying to express things that are going on inside. 
So on those prolific days, I think to myself, "I should just be a writer.  Someone should pay me to stay home all day and write things.  I don't even care if it's creative.  I would be willing to write anything!".  But what about that block?  Would I be haunted by an absence of words?  Would it be possible for me to spend even a moment not-liking writing?  I suppose I don't have to worry about that right now.  But just in case I find that perfect writing-related job, I'm going to push myself just a bit.  I'm going to set some goals and see if I can't help keep my creative fire at least in embers at all times, so that a great fire of insight could be stoked at any moment.  If I'm open to that, the Muse may just stay with me.

I Did It!

Yay! I read in a poetry reading last night! I was very nervous.  I feel like I did a good job, though.  I got compliments.  It was funny, some people told me I seemed really relaxed, like I had done it before but during the first two poems, it felt so surreal. I wasn't sure the words were really coming out.  After that, I felt better and by the time I read the last one I was comfy and wanted to read more.  I'm so glad I got out and did this.  It was a huge and necessary boost in my self-esteem.  The fact that I dragged myself up in front of those people, then shared some personal writings, was so brave for me.  Then having people tell me they liked what I wrote, that was amazing.  It's hard to know what other people will relate to till you give them the chance.  This is yet another reason I love Ypsilanti.  There were no cool poetry groups in Wixom (where I used to live).  The people who came are such a wonderful group.  I love listening to the other poets.  I'm always amazed- wow! how did she think of that?  And the way some people use language is surprising and exciting.  It's inspiring and makes me want to work more at writing and think even further outside the box.  It's great to be in an inspiring environment that's friendly and supportive.  I have big gratitude to this group, to Beezy's for letting us read there, and especially to Theresa who organizes it.  I encourage everyone to get out and share your writing.  I guess that's what we're all doing here.  So another big thank you to anyone who reads my blog! 

Poetry Reading Tonight!

Hi everyone! First I have to ask you to excuse my blog for morphing lately.  It may continue to morph till I really love how it looks.  Anyone who has tips for personalizing or knows of sites to find templates and things at, please share.  But that's not why I'm writing today. 
I'm going to be reading at a poetry reading tonight!  I've known about it for a couple months and was really nervous for a while.  I'm just excited now.  I've never done anything like this.  The most public I get with my writing is here on my blog.  I have to say this outlet has given me a bit more confidence as a writer and also given me a very different approach.  I've started really working at writing lately in ways I had not considered before.  I edit things sometimes, (yes, that's a big deal to me), and they're better for it.  I used to call a poem done once I ran out of words.  Now I know I can often come back to a piece and find more to add or remove things that don't fit.  I'm also slowly learning to write when I decide to, not only when inspiration hits- because if I coax it a bit, I tend to have more to work with.  I compulsively write down every little thing that strolls across my brain because I know that if I let it get away, fewer things will come.  It just occurred to me to wonder how I know the difference between the errant thoughts that stumble around in there and the things that want to be written down.  It seems to come in a different voice.  How do you experience this?  How do you see yourself growing or changing as a writer, or in any other endeavor in your life?

How Much is Too Much?

I've admitted before that I've spent most of my life ignoring the news and political information.  This could be considered willful ignorance, (okay, it is), but it's also self-preservation.  I'm empathic and sometimes find just being in a store uncomfortable.  Too many emotions flying around.  It's stressful!  When it comes to politics, I find it utterly overwhelming.  There is so much involved!  History and governmental structure, finance, it's all one big ball of yuck.

But something in me has awoken.  I have found this urge to know.  I want to know the truth about what governments do- especially my own.  I'm not going to find the answers on FOX news, so one night I googled: What is really going on?  I found some sites that could be called conspiracy news. I have believed government to be corrupt for a long time.  It's kind of obvious if you pay attention, or, apparently, even if you don't.  I find myself fascinated now by the things people dig up and expose.  I learned about the legal meaning of the word "person" and how that is applied in the UK.  I looked it up in my OED and found that the origin makes sense in relation to what I learned.

  I decided to look around because I finally wondered why life seems so out of balance. Even in this "rich" country, we all work so hard and have so little time to think.  It feels purposeful to me.  If we have to work very hard, and still have bills to worry over, dinners to make, houses to clean, etc... when will we stop and look around?  Who would notice if the government was heavily influenced run by big corporations?  Who would complain when our freedoms are taken away bit by bit?  We're all too busy with the day-to-day.  We've been raised (in America) to be concerned with and focused on our own lives.  The problem I have with that right now is that in my own life, I feel stifled.  I crave more time to devote to my spiritual growth.  That kind of growth and healing is not encouraged here.  Sure I could go to church every Sunday and feel better about what I did all week, but that type of spirituality doesn't fit my life or my heart.  I want to pose deep questions to myself and find the answers that are true for me.  I want to let go of some of this materialism and realize what's important.  I want to "put down all the pressures and feel how I really feel". (Ani DiFranco from Half Assed).  There is so much out there working so hard to distract me from myself.  So maybe it's this pull that causes us to become narcissistic.  We know that our own growth and emotional state should be more important to us.  We know that we should have easier access to how we feel, rather than wondering and wandering. 

The question I pose to you now, though, is how much is too much?  One of the reasons I haven't been blogging as much of late is that I know some people don't want to hear about conspiracy theories and I don't blame them.  I spent so much of my life avoiding this type of information.  Now I find I'm occasionally immersed in it but I hesitate to talk to anyone about it because I know it can be depressing.  And it's depressing for me, too, but I feel like I should know, to some extent, what's going on.  Is our government really sending special agents to train terrorists to attack Iran?  I hope not.  These types of things pop up all over when you watch international news.  I'm a little shocked but not as surprised as I wish. 

I believe in being the change I want to see in the world.  How much do I really have to know in order to make my life, and therefore the world, a more peaceful, loving place?  Are we better off when we know less, being un-fettered and un-biased?  Is this information making it harder to feel peaceful?  I have to answer that and the truth is I'm not sure yet.  It certainly makes me feel a more urgent need for peace and balance!  It makes me long for Big Magic.

If only I could go to the leaders of Israel and Palestine, look deeply into their eyes, and love them so completely that they fill with love and forgiveness.  I know it sounds crazy but imagine with me!  If I could be giant, looking down on the world and just say, "Now, now.  Put those weapons away and stop fighting.  It's time to go home for dinner."  and "Oh, those people don't have food.  Hey! All you with more than you need, it's time to send some to these people because this is not fair."  Ok, ok.  I know this is beyond simplification and I probably won't get to be a giant, but do you get the drift?  I know so many people insist that "Life isn't fair!", but each time they say that, they reinforce that lack of balance.  It's consensus reality again.  If you believe it, it will be. 

I believe in peace.  I believe in balance.  I believe in justice.  I believe in Love.  I believe that each of us is all we need.  I believe that we have the answers.  I believe we can make change.  I believe it's not as complicated as we are told.  I believe we can make it fair.  What do you believe?

What's Not Different

I was at a party this weekend and had two different conversations with two different people about narcissism.  We talked about the way people will talk endlessly about themselves with no interest in anything else and think they're having a conversation.  (The con part of that word means with).  Then there are the folks who refuse to see beyond their own noses.  You may have a friend who has an annoying habit or destructive behavior.  When you bring it to their attention, they fight you in a self-righteous way or walk away, ending the friendship, sometimes returning after a month or two as if nothing ever happened.   There is a level of non-reality present in these types of actions.  I have to admit to having talked a lot about myself when I was younger.  At times I didn't know what else to talk about because me was all I knew.  I've also been guilty of looking for some link from whatever conversation I was a part of to my own experience.  I think that's natural, too, but it showed me that I wasn't really seeing the speaker.  They weren't asking for my experience with whatever it was, they were sharing theirs.  It's easy to go through life seeing only as far as our own noses.  After all, we experience life as ourselves and that's our frame of reference for everything.  But if you've ever sat with someone who really sees you, someone who is totally present with you and what you're saying, you will know that there is no greater gift than presence with another.  I've spent nights with friends when we were focused on my life and where it's going.  This was not a narcissistic time, it was a time when I was in need of guidance or advice and my friends saw that and had a lot to offer.  They shared stories of their similar experiences and thoughts on what I wasn't seeing.  The thing we forget when we're so focused on me is that we don't have the whole picture.  True objectivity is impossible but we have to strive to attain some willingness to see ourselves and the world through the eyes of others.  Or to understand the points of view that oppose ours.  If we can't see the whole picture and the reasons people are disagreeing, we don't have all the facts.  We can only see that the "other side" is different.  That becomes a basis for everything.  Different is a lie that breeds fear and hate.  Yes, we are all different and thank Goddess and God for that!   It would be a dreary world indeed if we all loved to write and had one daughter and two cats and dreams of saving the world.  It would be a sad place to live if there was nothing to disagree on.  But when will we learn to do our disagreeing with respect?  When will we all step out of ourselves and into real life?  If a conservative, republican fundamentalist meets a liberal, democratic atheist, odds are they won't have much to talk about.  You would think.  But lets take a step back.  Lets look at these people from a different angle.  Let's imagine that they are both fathers of pre-teen girls, they both work as engineers, they both love to watch hockey and play poker.  They both love having cook-outs with family and friends.  They both hope to travel to Ireland one day.  Are they still so different?  Now these men might have something to talk about.  And that's the thing about narcissism and judgment.  When your world is very small, it's easy to believe that your way is the only way simply because it's all you are comfortable with. It's easy to fool yourself into believing you do nothing wrong.  When you allow yourself to be the center of everything, some things are going to fly out of orbit and you'll have no knowledge of those things.  If you don't look up from your own life, you won't see how much there is out there to experience and learn.  None of us has it all figured out.  If someone had all the answers, the world would be a different place.  Clearly not a single person has the power or the knowledge necessary to bring balance to this world.  So what would happen if we started to listen, I mean really listen to one another?  What could we do if we stopped fighting, stopped looking for the "different", and started agreeing on anything.  Can we agree that a large percentage of people would like all wars to end?  Can we agree that it's not ok to allow people to starve?  Can we agree that domestic violence is NOT ok?  Can we agree to protect one another and stand up for what's right?  Can we agree that what's different is what makes beauty and what's the same is what holds us together?  Can we say that whatever we are told we're fighting for is not worth the lives lost to the fight?  Can we agree to re-evaluate our priorities?  Can we agree that we all want to be seen and feel loved?  Can we agree to stop hating, stop fearing that which is outside of ourselves?  Can we agree to start loving what is inside ourselves?  It might be a lot easier to love ourselves if the whole world wasn't so busy telling us what's wrong with who we are.  We're too fat, too frivolous, too gay, too honest, too intelligent, too pretty, too ugly, too funky, too adamant, too lazy, too busy, too serious, too sure of ourselves, too insecure, too human.  Seeing everything as other-than is like an insidious mental illness.  It's our need to make sure we're "in the right" and somehow better-than.  What prize do we think awaits us for being right?  Will we feel good at the end of our lives knowing we kept all that seemed to be different at bay?  Will we be glad that we never let anything new in?  Will we feel big knowing how small we've made others feel?  Will we want to sit and listen to our own stories when others have heard them all and tire of them?  Will we learn to forgive and to be open?  How have you been narcissistic?  Where is the line between self-exploration and narcissism?  Does your self-reflection help others?  Are you willing to admit when you've been wrong?  Where is the path to 'different is good'?  Will you sit with someone and really listen, become transparent for them so their story comes out whole?  Will you feel the gift in that?    

Relay for Life

  I love my town!  I recently moved to Ypsilanti MI and will write more about my great city in the future.  I live near a park where a lot of local events are held so we get to listen to the music all summer.  A few weeks ago, the Relay for Life came to the park.  I love this event!  If your life hasn't been touched by cancer in some way, you're very fortunate. This is a beautiful fund-raiser that is very community-based.  There was such great music and such a wonderful energy in the park that day!  I watched them into the night, battling fatigue and mosquitoes, walking still when I went to sleep.  I was very moved and went inside and wrote this poem:

Just Before Midnight

  Amid the song of a soulful night bird

and the scent of a damp, happy willow

across the sound of the Huron gliding by

     I watch

On a path encircling the park

surrounded by luminaria

    they walk

They walk for their family,

their friends, themselves

for memory and the chance of anticipation,

for dreams cut short and those made possible

The path beneath their feet,

on any other day  like any other path

is, for this time, a sacred space of healing and unity

it's a circle of community

of shared grief and triumph

of support and understanding

of true empathy

This walk is for warriors

these are people who live life up-close

and with eyes wide open

because they know how fleeting a gift this is

and how graciously given

These are warriors of grace and vulnerability

who know what it means to love ferociously

the strength that takes, and that which it gives

They have come here through moments

of intense contemplation, through new

rearranged priorities, with changed

worldviews, and open hearts

They bring colorful tents and coolers

are served midnight pizza

have music to move them along

but my favorite is the laughter-

that audible evidence of joy

shared one to another

These warriors come here as

humanity at its best

they come to do for others

to raise awareness and give voice to the silent

to celebrate life, having learned what that really means

They come with faith in themselves

and in one another

because they know they can make a difference

and they do.

*Added 6/16/10- If you know anyone who takes part in the Relay for Life, please feel free to copy this poem and share it with them.  It's a small thank you from me to everyone who participates in this great event.

Movie Night

   I don't generally watch tearjerkers but I watched Michael Moore's  Capitalism: A Love Story last night and I cried the entire time.  Seeing people getting thrown out of their homes, homes that had been in their families for generations.  Seeing people out of work with no notice.  Seeing the people who prey on those lost homes.  It was all so sad.  One of the things that surprised me was the fact that, even though I have usually kept my head down when it comes to things like these, I actually had a pretty clear idea of what went down.
    The stock market and the real-estate market crashes, these were not accidents.  It's so vile to think that these were orchestrated and that people profited on these losses.   I remember when the stock market fell apart but I don't remember anyone telling us exactly what happened to cause that problem.  All we knew was that our savings, retirements, nest-eggs, our plans were suddenly pulled out from under us along with our security.  Then the banks had the nerve to ask the government for money.  Our money.  After they had done so much to loose it all.  When the bail-out was first proposed, I knew it wouldn't go back to those who had lost everything.  I don't understand how this happened but it was the expected course.  When we stood up and shouted, "No! Don't bail those banks out!", congress listened.  They voted it down.  Then got pressured into going forward with it anyway.  There were no restrictions.  The banks were not instructed to give back the money they lost.  They weren't even asked to report on what they did with it!  It was like giving a 16-year-old a great car, watching him crash it and then giving him another, just as nice.  But the kicker is that this crash was constructed.  I'm not sure what would possess a person to devise a way to steal so much money from an entire country.  Especially since, undoubtedly, the persons behind this mess were already some of the world's elite.  What I do know is that they got away with it and it makes me sick.      
     I've not been learning about the political climate or financial structure of our country for very long. I've kept my head in the sands of self-preservation for most of my life.  This stuff hurts me on a very person level.  It's a reflection of what I talked about in the "Being and Aquarian" post.  What's happening to the country and the world can often affect me more deeply than what is happening in my own life.  I don't think I'm the only person who experiences this.  So all of this outrage, all of this information that angers me so, only leads me back to that constant question simmering below the muck of what is: Why?  Why has this gone on for so long? How did it get so corrupt?  Why haven't we risen up to make right?  And I think of the 60's.  Those people who rallied and protested had real faith.  They believed that this was their country and that it was supposed to work for them, not the other way around.  They believed that by raising their voices and signs, they could get others to understand their position, gain support and momentum.  They knew right from wrong and they were prepared to fight with all they had to shift the status quo towards health and sustainability.   This sheds a little light on where our complacency comes from.
     My neighbor was talking recently about the differences between the social climate in the  60's and the 70's.  The 70's brought about a real distrust of our government and that's no big surprise.  The didn't listen to us!  We worked SO hard and very little changed.  Then we sidled into the 80's and some weird fluorescent version of the American Dream emerged.  We only wanted to have a nice house in the suburbs, a car, 2.5 kids, maybe a dog, and cooler toys than our neighbors.  It became all about being a Jones.  How many social causes were active in the 80's as compared with the early 70's and 60's?  It was like they just had to hold out and eventually we would quiet down and go back to keeping the hamster wheel spinning.   
    Back to the movie, since I'm not sure the point.  I keep coming back to a scene near the end.  Michael is sitting with a priest and he asks- directly from his inner child- why we haven't changed things.  He says that in a country so great, with so many resources and so many great people, why haven't we found a way to not go to war, to stop the grip of Capitalism as it is surely going to be our ruin, to provide health care.  Simple things.  That's what I want to know.
     I realize that the world is very convoluted.  We seem inextricably bound to the structures we've created in terms of government and finance.  But somebody, or many somebodies out there must see a clear path out of this insanity.  When Jimmy Carter said in 1979 that we needed to readdress our priorities, he was dead on.  We've lost or misplaced one of the things that makes us human beings, our compassion for and connection to other humans.  Money and power have blinded many of us and the rest of us are so busy trying to make ends meet that it's hard to find the time to look up and see what's real.   I'm only starting to learn and I won't look too closely because I refuse to let them make me believe that it all makes sense.
    If I had a platform,  I would call for a global strike.  We need to stop.  Stop making, stop buying, stop chasing and looking for 'things'.  We need to stop and sit and think together.  I know how crazy that sounds but we're capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for.  We don't need to be policed by laws and politics, we need to figure out how to formulate a world where everyone is cared for.  If there is balance, there is no reason for crime.  If we are all seen and heard, if we all are considered to be of equal value, with equal votes and fair shares, then we will have finally found a stable foundation on which to build a strong society.  As unlikely as this eventuality is, I believe in it.  It know there are enough of us who care, who want something better, and who see through the veil of  "Everything is fine, just watch some more T.V.".   Everything is not fine.  The most I can do from my little life is to live with love and hope.  I wouldn't get so angry if I didn't love this place so much.  I'm going to do my best to let go the anger and lead with love. Fighting things tends only to perpetuate those things.  I'm going to love as loudly as I can and hope that others will take up that call.  Maybe we can love some sense into this world!

Searching for a Heart of Gold

  I've written a lot about things I'm very passionate about but not much about my emotional life.  For some reason today I feel drawn to share something I've been thinking about that brings up a lot of emotion.

I've been single for a little over six years.  I was, I guess, a serial monogamous since adolescence.  It seemed no matter how a break-up went, within months I was un-single again.  I didn't have a lot of relationships, but several long term.  I always seemed to start living the man's life, in terms of hobbies and friends.  I so wanted to spend time with him that I would become involved in whatever he was interested in.  I've been a fan or observer of everything from motor-cross and wrestling to Star Trek and RC cars.
       This is the first time in my life I've been single for any length of time and it's really grown on me.  I've taken the time to learn more about myself and what I like to do.  I've learned about my needs when it comes to relationships of all kinds.  I've remembered how much I love to be alone.  I've developed and cultivated lasting and meaningful friendships.  I've learned a lot more about the world, both the outer and the inner.  I've found some semblance of contentment within.  I would love to say that I love myself fully every moment and that I'm always the best Witch I can be, happy and smiling and helpful but that's not true.  What is true is that I've found a kinder baseline.  I've found a space within where I know that I'm ok, where I remember that I love myself.  I've found a much closer relationship with Deity and the love I feel flowing through that helps sustain and fuel me in difficult times.
      I've also spent a lot of time considering the type of partner I would like.  I've slowly cultivated a clear picture of what a healthy relationship will look like.  I've asked myself a lot of tough questions about the things I've done in past relationships that have caused me to lose myself.  I've become comfortable on my own, shedding that quiet feeling that I was somehow less valid without a man.  I've also thought about what would be important to establish for myself before becoming involved again.  This is where it gets sticky.
    I see the perfectionist I try to deny when I look at my expectations.  I feel the need to shed all bad habits, a few pounds, and have all the things that feel unorganized organized.  I tell myself I should be practicing Yoga and meditation more regularly, exercising too.  I should have a better system with my house so that I don't get behind in cleaning, laundry, dishes etc...  Sometimes I even think I should have a better job.  If you haven't already guessed, I'm trying to call myself on my own shit.
   Yes, it's important to feel like your life is in order when entering a relationship.  However, exactly how "together" can a single working mom's life feel?  I may be amazing some days but I'm not Superwoman.  And I see myself making very slow progress in some of these areas.  When I ask myself why that is, I realize it has a lot to do with lack of time and energy.
   I'm beginning to fear that I'm making excuses to stay single.  The only reason I am even entertaining these thoughts today is that I've recently had a welling up of feeling for that not-yet-met guy out there and I realize that I really miss having an other.  I wonder if it might be a little easier to manage my life if there was someone else I could count on to help me through it.  I have wonderful, supportive friends but there is something so unique in the support that comes from a partner.  There is something about being held by a loved one that is so deeply healing. 
    Then some bully related to my inner perfectionist tells me that this is weakness.  It's weak to expect a man to come along and "rescue" me or make it all better.  There is something to that.  I don't want to be dependent.  I do, however, want to slowly build a strong co-creative partnership.  The question seems to be: Am I ready yet?
    While driving home from work today, pondering whether or not to even write this post, I was listening to CBC Radio 2 (love!) and they played "Heart of Gold" by Neil Young. 

"I want to live,
I want to give
I've been a miner
for a heart of gold.
It's these expressions
I never give
That keep me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old..."

Neil Young was not yet thirty when he wrote this song.  It made me think about how, in the search for 'the one', we can start to feel old.  Sometimes I feel worn thin.  I guess it's just a good expression of loneliness, something I've denied even to myself.
    As I read the first lines, "I want to live, I want to give", it woke me up to the fact that it's not just what I miss having that makes me miss someone I haven't met yet, it's those things I so yearn to share.  I want to nurture and teach and learn and laugh.  I crave balance. I look forward to creating something I've not yet experienced with someone who is like-minded.

    I apologize for the circular rambling nature of this post but my mind (air) tends to be much more organized than my heart (water).  If you have any thoughts, please feel free to stick a hand out to catch this revolving door.

   

Happy Summer Solstice!!

Why I'm a Witch

   One of the things that immediately felt so right when I first studied the craft was the holidays.  Our Holy Days equally divide the year, hence the term "The Wheel of the Year".  I love this for so many reasons.  First it underscores our connections to nature and the passage of time.  These are not arbitrary days.  If we start today on the Summer Solstice, we know that this is the longest day of the year, the day with the most hours of daylight.  Exactly opposite this holiday, we have the Winter Solstice or Yule which is the longest night of the year, the day with the fewest daylight hours.  The Sabbats that fall between these two are the Vernal (Spring) Equinox known as Ostara and Autumnal Equinox known as Mabon, being the days of the year when there is an equal amount of sunlight and darkness.  There are four other major holidays that each fall between a Solstice and an Equinox.   Imbolc falls on February 2nd and is a celebration of the coming sun, a fire festival to celebrate that warmth is on the way.  Beltane is celebrated on May 1st in many cultures and is a fertility festival.  This is related to fertility of crops and livestock, of humans, and also of ideas and ventures.  (Witches always look at the big picture when it comes to symbolism.)  Lammas is celebrated August 1st and is the first of three harvest festivals. It celebrates the bounty of the harvest.   Samhain, our New Year, is the third and last harvest festival of the year and focuses on our passed loved-ones, taking time to honor and remember them, and often on divination for the coming year.

   This is a very broad overview of Pagan holy days.  (I hope to go into more detail about each holiday in the future.)  There are probably no two celebrations that are alike but there is a common thread running through them each.  There is something about celebrating in this measured way that helps us connect to the passage of time, being, hopefully, a little less surprised by it. What I love the most, or what really connects me to these days, is the fact that when these holidays were first celebrated, it was in a time when all people were so much more aware of our dependence on the land, and the sun, and the seasons.  In early February, there is no part of me that can sense the coming spring, but thousands of years ago, people were so keenly aware of the rising and setting of the sun that they realized that day as a turning point.  I very much honor and respect the ability (I admit, necessity) our ancestors had to live close to the land, having real and lasting respect for our Earth.  As much as I love technology and the connectivity it can offer us, there is a part of me that longs for connection to Earth, to the way my food grows, to the passing moments.  In a world where we're so consumed with what's happening next that we can't remember our drives in to work, it's nice to re-member a time when life was really all about living!

It's About Power

   Why I'm a Witch

      I love being a witch because it has taught me about my own power, and the fact that I am, indeed, a powerful person.  I'm not refering to the patriarchal, business-crushing, over-taking, outright taking, self-serving, unthinking, un-fulfilling force we tend to think of as power in this culture.  I'm talking about the life-mending, self-healing, earth-tending, nurturing, sustaining, loving, growing, learning, compassionate power inherent in our descision to live for everyone.  To live life every day as if you can make a difference, because you can.  We all can.  To be kind is something that has become almost profound in our society.
    When I started to study witchcraft, I didn't immediately sense how much inner-work this would encompass.  If I haven't already mentioned, responsibility is HUGELY important in the craft.  If you're going to be working with energy and trying to affect reality, you had better have clear and harmless intentions!  This is why you hear the rule of three: whatever you send out comes back to you threefold.  That should be enough to make anyone think.  With every freedom or power, there comes equal responsibility.  When you realize that every action, every interaction in your day is what builds the future, you become keenly aware of the importance of walking your talk.
      I am not a Witch in circle or ritual or at Pagan gatherings, I am a Witch every moment of every day and I do my best to live up to what that means to me.  That's a pretty tall order some days.  It means that I love everyone and everything as it is.  I see Divine energy in all living things and I believe all humans are my brothers and sisters.  I also acknowledge the darkness inherent in all light and, to keep safe and healthy, do my best to avoid people or places that feel threatening.  I try to open my vision as I open myself.  I make time to spend outside and take time to pray.  I know that I'm always growing, that there are always things that need improving, and I love myself as I am and the path this growth allows.  I have deep gratitude to an endless list of teachers, many in the craft and many in other traditions.  I see the world as a school but I see life as an opportunity to make our world better.  If right now that means working on my self, I can see the power in that, as I know the ripples my healing will create.  In that vain, I have great gratitude to everyone in the world who is working to better themselves, who is working to heal, who is learning, who is kind, who is becoming every day...

Being an Aquarian

Why I'm a Witch

   I remember reading that one of the usual qualities of Aquarians is that we are aloof and can be cold and dis-connected.  I wanted to say, "No, that's not me!", but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it can be very true.  It seems that my subconscious has the ability to withdraw and cut-off from any situation that starts to feel dangerous - especially emotionally.  I've been aware of that for several years and I think I've found a flip-side to that coin.  I can clam-up quickly in a protective fashion when dealing with personal things, but when it comes to the interactions of the whole world, of humanity as a whole, I am utterly bare nerves.  

   Ani DiFranco has a poem called Self Evident which is about the 9/11 tragedy.  Every Single Time I listen to that poem I break down.  It's almost as if I feel every bit of sorrow and horror that accompanied that day, along with all the pain and fear we have felt about it since.  There's this open channel that allows the pain of Everyone to come through my heart, and perhaps it's a type of healing.  Perhaps, as these things are felt and worked through by individuals, the collective consciousness heals a little each time.   

    I'm not sure what this means in my life yet, but if I can be of service by helping to transcend pain, I'm more than up for it.  I was also thinking about the way we tend to try and define ourselves, how we look for what makes us "stand out" from the rest.  What if we thought, instead, about what part of the whole we are?  We're certainly all individuals and very unique, but that shouldn't make us feel separate.  

   For me, working with the Craft has shown me a multitude of ways to connect, to remember to be humble and to work towards healing things NOW, HERE, on THIS EARTH.  I'm not here to try and appease or impress some far off idea of Deity, I'm here to help co-create a world like we've never even imagined. Here, now, in this life.   I believe in peace and love and brother/sister hood.  I believe in ONE, in ALL.  I believe in the potential of each and every one of us to do something great that will, in some way, help all the rest.  I have been fortunate enough to learn the way to commune with nature, with Deity in a way that feels personal.  It is possible to make these changes.  When people say that intention is powerful and that thoughts are things, these are not concepts to be taken lightly!  We are literally making the world we're living in.  It's called 'consensus reality' because, by consensus, we've agreed to this.  Then we wonder why there is suffering, war, hate, rape, hunger,  why there are so many have-nots.   It's because we've grown up here and we've let ourselves believe that this is the way it is and it's too difficult to change.  We feel powerless.  We think it will take too long, there are too many things in the way, we're too small to affect change.  (At least, these are the things I feel weighed-down by in less optimistic moments.)  That belief is a part of consensus reality, ironically.  So we believe that this is the way it is and we believe that we are powerless to change it.  

   I urge anyone who feels dis-content at the state of the world to learn more about the power of thought, intention, the Law of Attraction, The Secret... whatever label you choose, this principle is available in many forms through many traditions.  And believe it or not, this is "magic".  These are the principles used by witches for centuries to help us through our lives.  

  Consider that 500 years ago, someone who saw a light-bulb or a car or an airplane would surely have thought it was magic.  They had absolutely no explanation of or experience with that type of thing.  Now think about our future.  If we decide, it could be a place where we can clean up a gulf with focused intention.  Where crime and hate are in history books.  Where we are capable of things we can't even imagine right now.  We're here at a pivotal time in human history and it's impossible to ignore that.  I have faith in the light that we each carry within us.  I know that our species is very tarnished with greed and plagued by tunnel-vision, but once these tendencies are shaken loose, there is no limit to the things we will be able to do!

I've never heard this version of the poem, it's much more musical, which makes it a little easier to listen to. 

Synchronicity

  I belong to an on-line book-swapping club called paperbackswap.com. I highly recommend this site for any other voracious readers.  I found a fun book there and ordered it:

  
 I was delighted to find it even came with the word tiles.  Most of them were still stuck together but as I took them off the magnetic inner-cover, I uncovered this poem:

morning blossom

summer shower

evening song

you

teach secret love

asknot

how

    Wow.  Being the kind of person I am, this spoke directly to that part of me that is looking for the way to share my gifts.  Teach Secret Love,  Ask Not How.  It's all within.  The little seed is the knowledge that we all ARE Love and that it's a force more powerful than any other.  We can re-member the way to live in love, in loving ways, with compassion.  There is something bigger that Love can do.  Some deep, integral healing that can take place.  It's illusory to me, or just slippery.  I can sense it but I haven't yet experienced this.  It must be coming soon!

FOUND: Home

 

 Cozy, made just for you

Warm and inviting at the end of the day

Safe and sacred, peaceful and calm

Your place to heal, and learn, and play!

*  *  *

     I move into my house in February and I recently finished un-burying my living/bed room.   I can't express the joy at having home again.  Even more, having home in a way that feels so much more mine, more "right" than the place I moved from.  I am truly blessed and I get to live in a beautiful reminder of that. 

Childhood Wisdom

      





     I just had to share this.  I watched it and cried the whole time.  This 13 year old girl is expressing my frustration and world view so well!  It's moving and motivating.  I'm one of the "grown-ups" now.  What do we do to start to fix this stuff?

There are more of us than you think.

Why I'm a Witch

   I spent most of my weekend at the Michigan Pagan Festival and despite pouring rain and bitter wind on Saturday, it was lovely!  I got to meet a woman, (Edain McCoy), who wrote several books that I use often.  I met Grandmother Elspeth, (the Crone on the Road), and had a chance to soak up some of her wisdom. I saw a lot of faces that were familiar from Convocation, (another pagan gathering that took place in February).  As I've come to expect from the Pagan community, it was a very light-hearted and friendly atmosphere.  

    There was a time, when I first began studying, when I felt as though I was a witch alone.  I connected to the system of magic and to the Pagan idea of Deity through books and articles.  Then I noticed that one of my favorite stores in Ann Arbor, Crazy Wisdom, was offering a monthly gathering called Witches Night Out. So I went.  It was at this gathering that, over time, I met the three beautiful women who are now my circle sisters.  Month after month, more people gather and talk and share.  Many people who come are very new to the craft or haven't even decided whether this is the path for them. Everyone is welcomed.  We do our best to help people find books that might suit them, and offer our own stories and cautions.  You hear a lot of, "If something doesn't feel right to you, don't do it!".  What I see time and again is that while we're more than happy to see people coming to this path and becoming a part of our community, we also always keep in mind that this path is not for everyone and there is never any pressure to stay, only encouragement to learn more before making any decisions.  There is this pervasive idea that everyone is welcome to participate to the degree that they feel comfortable. We tend to be quite sensitive people and most Pagans I have met know what it's like to be pressured or to not be accepted.  Sometimes these are the things that lead people to this path in the first place so we do our best to make sure our community is one that is nurturing, safe and welcoming, as well as being open-minded, flexible, and sometimes quite eccentric.  

     So if you imagine a Pagan gathering as a bunch of wild people dancing and singing, wearing lots of jewelry, robes, and capes, well, you're not that far off.  Pagans are imaginative people. We know that the imagination is a powerful thing, not only as a tool to visualize positive change, but also as a vehicle that can take us from where ever we are now to any place we can think of, and that's a powerful thing.  Children are often mislead to believe that imagination has no value, it's a waste of time to sit there and daydream.  But where would we be if our great inventors didn't sit and stare into the distance, creating in their minds the things that have become indispensable to us?  So we understand the value of dressing up, of letting our hair down and dancing, singing, drumming...

There are so many wonderful ways for us to play and that's what we do when we get together.  We have classes where our elders impart wisdom, ignite curiosity, provide support and guidance, and sometimes issue challenges.  We talk about what we can do to make the world a better place, then we put those plans into action.  We share the joy we feel at being a part of everything, and our enjoyment of the Earth and of Nature.

   And yes, there are certainly more of us than you think.  Pagans are nurses and school teachers and librarians and custodians and engineers and architects. They work in construction, in offices, in hospitals, in just about every field you can imagine. 

    I feel so proud to be a part of this community!  I've never seen a group with a more solid foundation of mutual respect and trust.  Most of us are so accustomed to hiding our jewelry or holding our tongues in certain situations that when we all come together, it's like a weekend-long sigh of relief at being able to just be ourselves with no sidelong glances or snide remarks.  I guess that's why I'm working at this.  I want people to know why I'm a witch and what that means to me because I feel that if more people knew, it would slowly become more accepted.  It breaks my heart that we feel the need to hide this most important part of who we are.  Especially when it's this beautiful community that has welcomed myself and so many others without judgment or expectation.  And when we so rarely stand up for ourselves.  We're so concerned with how people react to pentacles that many of us don't wear them in public- because we are respectful. We know how our faith is viewed by the general public so we choose to stay pretty much under the radar and move in our own circles.  I love our community and I love the events we share.  These weekends are like time out of time for me and I will always cherish them.  I guess I just wish the world at large were more tolerant and accepting.  We could help out more, make more of an impact if we weren't busy hiding who we are.

Yet another poem

 Well it's the last day of April, National Poetry Month, so I thought I'd post one more poem.  Then I'm going to get back to the "Why I'm a Witch" series because I've been working on that too.


Excuse me but have you seen
       laying around anywhere
I'm looking for yesterday
and I can't seem to find it
but I just had it so    it can't be far

I thought of looking for last summer
but realized I didn't even know where to start
I glanced around for last week but
yesterday

Yesterday I had one of those moments where
for a time, everything  feels  perfect
and I wondered, since I just had it
yesterday
shouldn't it still be here somewhere?

A delving poem

of all the voices of me, all the trains: inner-critic, inner-child, inner-wild-woman, inner-any-human-ness...
of all the moods, personalities that arise,
is there one that is most me,
most true to my authentic being?
or is it only in the fleeting moments when
for a breath
something outside of these
bears witness to them
there is the collective sigh
i am none of these

A brand-new poem

I usually work with a poem, or at least read it over and over for quite a while before I share it outside of my close friends. I wrote this last night and I really enjoyed it, I hope you do too!

All my poetry

is Goddess poetry

everything I write is

witchy

cause that's how I move

there is no separate

for me from Her

walking hand in

wispy voice

that curls deep inside

with a purr and sigh of knowing

that all is well

that all is right with what is

there she is settled in my soul

like a tiny reflection

Objects may be closer than they appear

of the beginning of time

swirling with all I've ever known

all that's been known

and swollen with the unknowable

pulsing with the tide of

so much

life

energy

breath

air

blood

water

movement

earth

fire

of every star

of so many distant

and unfamiliar

yet brothers

sisters to what i see

but being so much

still soft   She is

curled, lying there

like an infant

after a millennial nap

blinking in comfort

ready to stretch

and try her voice