Yet another poem

 Well it's the last day of April, National Poetry Month, so I thought I'd post one more poem.  Then I'm going to get back to the "Why I'm a Witch" series because I've been working on that too.


Excuse me but have you seen
       laying around anywhere
I'm looking for yesterday
and I can't seem to find it
but I just had it so    it can't be far

I thought of looking for last summer
but realized I didn't even know where to start
I glanced around for last week but
yesterday

Yesterday I had one of those moments where
for a time, everything  feels  perfect
and I wondered, since I just had it
yesterday
shouldn't it still be here somewhere?

A delving poem

of all the voices of me, all the trains: inner-critic, inner-child, inner-wild-woman, inner-any-human-ness...
of all the moods, personalities that arise,
is there one that is most me,
most true to my authentic being?
or is it only in the fleeting moments when
for a breath
something outside of these
bears witness to them
there is the collective sigh
i am none of these

A brand-new poem

I usually work with a poem, or at least read it over and over for quite a while before I share it outside of my close friends. I wrote this last night and I really enjoyed it, I hope you do too!

All my poetry

is Goddess poetry

everything I write is

witchy

cause that's how I move

there is no separate

for me from Her

walking hand in

wispy voice

that curls deep inside

with a purr and sigh of knowing

that all is well

that all is right with what is

there she is settled in my soul

like a tiny reflection

Objects may be closer than they appear

of the beginning of time

swirling with all I've ever known

all that's been known

and swollen with the unknowable

pulsing with the tide of

so much

life

energy

breath

air

blood

water

movement

earth

fire

of every star

of so many distant

and unfamiliar

yet brothers

sisters to what i see

but being so much

still soft   She is

curled, lying there

like an infant

after a millennial nap

blinking in comfort

ready to stretch

and try her voice

Women on the Edge of Evolution

     This Saturday, at 11 a.m. PT, (2 p.m. EST), Alanis Morissette will be featured on the ongoing web-based seminar Women on the Edge of Evolution.

When this webinar started last year, they planned on doing 14 sessions. There have been more than 30 now and they're amazing! I have learned so much and also heard so many women echo the things I've been thinking and learning and wondering about. I feel so connected to woman-kind through these 'calls'. There have been interviews with some truly legendary women.  I encourage all women to sign up for this free tele-seminar/webinar. You can download the talks after they take place or call in and listen on the phone. Go to womenontheedgeofevolution.com to register. It's a truly enlightening and exciting tool.

I have been a fan of Alanis Morissette since her international career began. She will be talking about getting comfortable with holding power.  What an important lesson for women today! When we're poised to make so many positive changes, creating compassion and unraveling the patriarchy so that we can find health and sustainability, what better time to learn about being comfortable with our own power?  In my own life, this is one of the things that stops me. I know, way down deep, that there is great power within. I know that when I tap into that power, I'll be able to do more to help.  So what makes it scary? Lucia Rene did an interview on the Women on the Edge of Evolution and I listened to it over the weekend. She talked about unplugging the patriarchy and how as women, we're raised to believe that we're not powerful (or not supposed to be powerful). There are so many huge gaps in the way women and men are treated and brought up in our society.  It's been a source of great confusion for me for most of my life. The more I have tried to define myself, the more I see that I have to  move away from a consensus reality expectation of how a person "should" be. And then, to be truly free, I start to move away from definition at all. That's a toughie. When I've been trying most of my life to have some way to say, "This is me.", and really mean it, I find that words fail essence. We could all write a book, trying to explain what we think we're all about. And every day we could write a new forward and explanation for the lines we'll have to edit.

One more poem

nothing ever touches anything else

not really 

but right now

our electrons are

powerless

to repel one another

because you've invaded

                  you have entered

                              you've been invited into

the space that my body occupies

i sigh

i smile

physics     shrugs

Another Poem

Well kids, we're half way through National Poetry Month so I thought I'd post another poem.  I don't think it has a title yet.
*
*

Why am I so damn raw

exposed nerves crackle

like the backs of my eyeballs

floating on the surface 

of the thought I just had

or the song I'm listening to

why does everything want

out       right   now

without even identifying itself

as it squeezes through my lids

why do I  feel as if I'm

holding      my heart      hostage

and what am I waiting for

what are my demands

do I have any plans

if I get away with this

hostage          situation

I'm no good at negotiation

I'll just wait down at the station 

till the whole thing is resolved

leave it up to someone else

to see my problem solved

but the problem is there's still that part

my pumping, bleeding, aching heart

it seems wrong to just leave her there

saunter off without a care

but how much am I willing to give

without the promise that I will live

and how much is really at stake

if the battle's more than I can take

which pieces will I walk away with if I loose

is it a crap shoot, or can I pick    and choose

are there things in my heart I can't do without

creativity, empathy, my smile, my pout

looks like I have to suck it up

and work this thing out

but I don't believe in war so    is there another way

 we could coax my heart and humor her, 

convince her to come away

from the me who would harm her

we should probably disarm her

she's the one who started all this

standing there raging with balled-up fists

I just need to convince her to step back into me

put down the heart, and just let it be

Witches and Responsibility

A third post about why I'm a witch.

I think there is a very misunderstood view of how witches function in the general public. Again with the Hollywood thing. Some people really believe we can levitate things and clean our homes with a wave of our wands. We wish! There also seems to be an assumption that witches can 'curse' people or make someone fall in love. While it's true that study and practice may lead to the ability to do these things, in the process of that study and practice, we learn again and again why we're better off not trying things like that.
   I mentioned before that Wiccans and Witches are different. Not very different. Wiccans have more dogma and a more religion-based practice, in my view. There are a lot of divisions or types of Wicca. Dianic, Fairie, Celtic, even Christian Wicca. There are so many more. In these traditions, there are certain ways of doing things. There may be rituals that use the same words and movements every time. The participants hold similar beliefs. There are covens or circles and often a hierarchy. As a witch, I don't participate with these groups but I do identify with them to some extent. My spiritual beliefs are best represented by these religious paths.
The only real difference is that I take from all positive traditions (Wiccan and others) and I am not limited in what I do. It's perfectly acceptable for a solitary witch to do a ritual that is Native American or Buddist or Hindu or any combination of any faith.
The one thing we all seem to agree on is the Wiccan Rede. Those eight little words,: "An it harm none, do what ye will.".  This is deceptively simple. It tells us that as long as our actions do no harm, we should feel free to do what we want. Someone could say, well, it would make that guy happy to fall in love with this girl so that should be fine, right? Wrong! The major thing we keep in mind at all times is free will. It's simply manipulative to use magic as a way to try to start a relationship. If it works at all, the outcome will be disastrous.  Some people even recommend asking permission before doing a healing ceremony for someone. At first I didn't understand this. Of course we all want to be healthy, right.  But we can't forget that sometimes people are ill and it's a part of their karmic path. Maybe there is a reason for the thing we feel we should change. It' very humbling because it makes you realize how little we know about why things happen and what life is really for.
Another important aspect of Harm None is that it includes ourselves, so outside of our magical practice, it's important for us to take self-care very seriously. Witches aren't only witches when we are in a circle, we're witches 24/7. The same goes for every Wiccan, Witch, or Pagan I've ever met. It's similar to Native American practice in that way. There isn't division between our spiritual lives and our everyday lives. Instead, our spirituality imbues every thing we do. Integrity and will power are very important, as is a benevolence towards everything that is. We see everything as sacred. The natural world was not only made by God and Goddess, they are present in us and in every rock, blade of grass, animal, bug, person, flower, cloud...  Everything deserves our respect and kindness. This is why so many Pagans are very eco-conscious. Not only do we care about our world and its future, it is absolutely sacred to us. So Harm None takes on a whole new and broader meaning when we have this world view. Littering is causing harm. Unkind words or looks cause harm. Judging others causes harm. Being selfish causes harm. After time we realize that it's impossible to walk this Earth and not cause any harm at all so we work to do the best we can. Because constantly kicking ourselves when we misstep -you guessed it- causes harm.
It's a very gentle world view, I think. When I feel at my witchy best, I absolutely exude love. I feel compassion for the whole world at once and also for every being on it. This is what the craft is teaching me. And considering that most magic done for others is either manipulative or (if they ask you for it) something the person should probably do for themselves, the best use of magic (for me) is self-healing and blessing. Everything I do, I do "for the good of all at this time" and I ask God and Goddess to see that my actions or the energy I direct is only used in good and helpful ways.  Because we're humans, we make mistakes. I like to know that whatever work I do, it's been "okayed" in a way by Deity. Maybe I play it safe but safe feels good. Even though I've been a witch for almost 10 years, I still feel like a student, like I'm totally new at this. That's a refreshing feeling and another thing that fosters humility. I think that's one of the best things we can invest in at this time. Humility and compassion for others could help make some big changes in this world gone astray.

And another thing

Why have politicians allowed the world to become this way? We are over-governed in some ways. They seem to want to get into the smallest parts of our lives. But then there are tons of companies out there bilking us for billions. How has this come to be?
     Look at the "health-care crisis" in America today. The truth is that there is no problem with our health care. We have great health care. The real problem is insurance and that is, lightly put, a racket. Between the exorbitant prices hospitals pay (without question or protest) for the smallest of items (and then pass those bills on to us) and the 300% - 1000%+ mark-ups the pharmaceutical companies get away with, not to mention the ridiculous price of health insurance in this country as compared with others, I have to ask again: How did it get like this?
  In a country where we don't really trust any politicians, CEOs or bankers, how did they get away with corrupting our systems so thoroughly?  Why are companies allowed to make things and sell them when they are made to break down? Remember when people were able to fix their own cars? Not only is that impossible in modern cars, they are also not built to last. Nothing is because someone realized that if people have to keep replacing the crappy things they manufacture, we will keep buying them. So our landfills get full and our wallets get empty. Where is the government to step in on our behalf and say, "Stop making this crap! Create sturdy products or stop making anything!". Well, in one way or another, they're benefiting from this mess. It's really scary to think about the government being 'in cahoots' with such industries as health insurance, big oil, pharmaceutical companies, and big tobacco. If they're all holding hands, who is looking out for the rest of us? Well, it's us. And who will listen to us?  Again, I think it's just us.   
   So, being basically politically ignorant, I'm at a loss when I try to envision a way out of this. The more I learn about the political system, the more I think that they just keep making it harder and harder to affect any sort of change. And when we do manage to change something, it's always at a loss. Every bill I read about and want to vote on is written in such double-talk and there is always something there to appease the other side or the other point of view, so we really only get a little slice of what we want and sometimes need.
    America is a beautiful and diverse country. It's unfortunate that so much of the world's power resides here. The world looks to us (reluctantly sometimes) to see what direction everything else is going to go. As such, we have a responsibility to show the world what can be done. We need to man and woman up and start to make change. All this bickering between parties and between people is getting us nowhere. There have to be some established goals that we all can agree on. We have to learn to communicate with less emotion so that we can really hear one another. I need to learn a lot more so I can start to piece this thing together because as a novice, I am at an utter loss.
    Maybe we all need deep spiritual practice. Even Atheists. Anyone can meditate. Maybe that would help us. If we had a quiet space inside, maybe we could hear each other there. If we each move through our days with a well of calm inside, the tumult of the world will be less able to rock us. I know that rushing through our days leaves us feeling totally spent and not very reflective. We've got jobs and kids and mortgages and rent and other bills to pay. There are parties and weddings to attend. There are e-mails to return and blogs to write. There are papers and books to read. There are deadlines and meetings and all sorts of things to pull us out of our center. It is a big job to    be   here   now.  That's asking a lot of the human mind- to slow down so we can breath and become aware of our bodies and surroundings.
     Is there a correlation in here somewhere or am I going in circles again? Ok, maybe I am going in circles but I do believe that if I remain centered (and that needs to be learned) I will be more able to respond with love and calm. I will learn to respond rather than react. This is a start.

P.S.  Reading Aine Butler's blog The Evolving Spirit helps me every week to slow down for a few moments. One of the many resources out there that helps me move towards peace. Thanks Aine!!

What can I do?

Wow! A comment I left on Aine's blog really has me shaken, the more I think about it. I asked her for ideas on how to affect change in a loving way. That's so sad! Where are we as a society that we can't envision change coming from a positive, loving action? Is it just me? I truly believe that love is the most powerful force there is. I believe God IS love. So what does it mean when I say that if I can't back it up by believing in the power of love? I see it so clearly in small ways. Or maybe I should say in my smaller environment. When I am radiating love - and I know when I am, everything feels right - the whole world looks brighter. Other people really do appreciate a smile. If you pay attention, sometimes you can even see the ripple effect of your kindness.
     Then there is that big environment, the 'world'. How can social truths translate to the political stage? I have to preface any political discussion with the guilty admission that I have avoided learning about politics for most of my life because it all overwhelmed me. I get frustrated and angry at the way things are. Not only how they are, but how hard it is to change anything. Everything is wrapped in laws and processes. It's all gotten so big, so out of hand.
     I believe that the cause of most suffering and war on this planet is the un-balanced distribution of resources. If every country had enough food and water and their basic needs met, there would not be a climate that lends itself to terrorism. These are things people resort to when they're desperate. When they feel they have nothing to lose. When they feel nobody is hearing them. Then they are taught about America and all the abundance and 'decadence' we live in. Truth told, I'd be angry too. Simply because of where we were born, we have a lot or a little. It's easy to see people living in distant places as 'other' but that's simply not true.
     So what if we considered all of humanity our brothers and sisters? And what if politics no longer existed?  I know we supposedly need their structure to govern us all because we can't be trusted to just be decent human beings, but what if? What if instead of telling us all how it's going to be, the job of politicians was really to be a public servant? And what if we, the public, decided that what we want them to do is to re-think the distribution of resources. Not just 'over borders' because they're irrelevant. If we were willing to give just a little. If we realized that we don't really need that many pairs of shoes. That a six thousand square foot house may be a bit big for a three person family. That we can only drive one car at a time. That the gluttony we've cultivated in this culture is going to be the downfall of humanity if we keep feeding it.
    These are big words but it's true. The major real problems we have today (not the "problems" the media would have us focus on) have to do with sustainability. Well, our way of life is simply not sustainable. Maybe that's my cause. In an article by Linda Sechrist in Natural Awakenings magazine (HealthyLivingDetroit.com), Andrew Harvey talks about Sacred Activism. He says we should "understand that the deepest service rises out of our deepest compassion, which is born out of our deepest heartache.".  It has always been my deepest heartache to see people going without. People are starving, thirsting to death, dying without simple medicines, living without homes or clothing, unaware of education and health care. People. These are people, just like you and me! So, I think it's time for me to pick up a copy of Mr Harvey's book, "The Hope: A Guide to Sacred Activism" and figure out what I can do to help. In the article he talks about having a deep spiritual practice because that is where the ideas for change that will work come from and the spiritual practice also supports us through the slings and arrows of activism. I need to do something! Aside from blogging about it :).
     I want to prove that LOVE CAN be a force for change! I want to learn how to live in a way that doesn't consume unnecessary amounts of anything. I am not a saint. I have to be reasonable about what I can do, but knowing that, I have to remember what great feats others have preformed and not limit myself. I hear all the trepidation in these lines. Who else is out there, ready to help make change?

Count Your Blessings

So I recently moved into a lovely little house. As a house warming gift, a friend of mine gave me a set of those cool vinyl letters that go on your wall. They say "Count Your Blessings". (It's funny, this friend is also the person who sent me an invitation to Gratitude e-mails. I love them!) Little does my friend know that when I was little, any time I didn't like something or complained about food or anything, my mother or grandmother would say to me - in a screechy voice - "Count your blessings!", and sometimes even go on about the poor starving children in Africa or elsewhere. I liked the practice. I actually did count my blessings. My family and friends, my toys, the fact that I had food. Even if it was not something I wanted to eat, at least I had something. When I opened that box and saw that saying, I just heard my grandmother's admonishing voice, felt her finger shaking, telling me to be grateful. Well, I am.  It may have taken a lot of work but I am truly grateful for all I have. As a kid, I thought my mom and grandma were just being mean, telling me I was being a bad kid. If they were looking to shame me, they sure did. Now I finally get it. Gratitude is one of the most precious gifts we can give our children, and ourselves. It gives us some sense of solidity when we feel as though the rug has been pulled from under us. Even though such-and-such is happening and that's hard, scary, expensive, sad, difficult...  we can sit back and see that there is still a lot to be thankful for. So I'm reclaiming that saying. No longer will it remind me of being shamed or feeling guilty. I know that counting my blessings may very well be the most important part of my spiritual practice. As I think we could all do with a little gratitude, go forth and count YOUR blessings too!

Why I'm a Wich 2

So where do I go from here? I guess I'd like to share a little about what I learned in that book, among others. The things that really drew me to the Craft. First of all lets talk about 'God'. I put it in quotations because I'm not talking about the Christian God or any other specific deity. In witchcraft and Wicca, deity is considered male AND female. Most pagans pray to or worship God and Goddess. Many have a certain pantheon (group of gods and goddesses related to a particular faith or geographical area) that they work with. Some have only one God and Goddess that they work with. There are some witches or Wiccans who only work with Goddess, mostly Dianic practitioners. This is unbalanced to me but considering the proliferation of male-centered patriarchal religions out there, I don't think this is a bad thing. There is no set definition and I think that there are as many ideas of deity in paganism as there are practitioners. I personally understand it like layers. On the top is Source. This is a genderless, formless consciousness from whence we all came that permeates everything. This is truly God, but it's bigger, vaster, more complex than we can understand. So, as a human I need to have something I can relate to when I pray. I choose God and Goddess. These 'beings' represent every aspect of humanity. Every color, gender, background, every good and bad trait, every, every thing that humans can be. I know it's a construct of my mind but I feel most comfortable with this image and so it's real to me. This was the most important, if a bit difficult, concept for me as a woman. God isn't a man. So all of my feminine traits are reflected in God, too. I feel more comfortable praying to divinity I can see as feminine. All the Gods and Goddesses that have ever been named or conceived of are present in God and Goddess.
The next 'layer' would be all the named Gods and Goddesses. Shiva, destroyer and lord of the dance from the Hindu pantheon. Freya, goddess of war and love from the Norse pantheon. The list is unending. All of these are aspects that people created and needed to call on for different reasons. So if a witch (of eclectic tradition) wants to get in touch with her (or his) own compassion, they might pray to or do a ritual with Kwan Yin. If we need strength to destroy something in our lives that is harming us or no longer serves, we might work with Durga or Kali.
  It's like the viewfinder toys. Remember, the ones you could put a disc of slides into and push the lever to look through and see all the pictures? To me, that toy is a perfect metaphor for God. No matter what deity you're looking at, or what pantheon they come from, the image will always be the correct image of God. The truth is that God is the light shining through allowing you to see the picture. So God, or Source, is present in everything and necessary for us to see the sacredness in everything.
 That idea of all things being sacred was another thing that really rang true for me. All life is sacred and so is the earth. I believe that little by little, I'm becoming a more responsible and compassionate person as a witch. I am not saying that you have to be a witch to be a good person. Only that for me, the sense of personal responsibility that I feel as a witch has taught me to question myself and to strive to be a more loving, less judgmental person.That's what we all, I think, come to religion for. We want to learn how to be good people. This is my way and I hope the telling of it will at very least help other people to understand. It's really no different or stranger than any other path.

Why I'm a Witch

I've been thinking of this a lot lately. Not questioning myself, but trying to put it into words that others might be able to accept. I really believe in every positive religion. I don't think it's important to have the "right" take on God because I don't believe that as humans we're supposed to understand exactly what God is. That's why it's called faith. So considering that any one could be correct but probably none are, I started to explore. I was raised Catholic but not strictly so. I found some of the things I was taught hard to swallow. Catholics talk a lot about God being angry and jealous, I just didn't buy it. That was not my experience when I prayed. I also remember wondering and eventually asking when we were going to learn about "that lady spirit in the planet" in Catechism. I have to believe that what I knew then was closer to the truth than anything I could ever read in a book. That's not to say that as children we have the ultimate truth, only that in remembering what I believed then, I've found those beliefs to be true for me now.
I remember being intrigued by magic as a child. As a teen I was aware that there were people who called themselves witches but I assumed they were into something dangerous or dark, because that's what we're taught by our parents or churches if Hollywood hasn't done the job. I went to a few Baptist churches and they were more laid-back in some ways. Their language was more accessible but there were still holes in the logic- at least to my mind.

In my early twenties I went to Arizona to work at a Renaissance Festival and there were some real, live witches there. I observed them and found that there was no "evil" feeling around them. They didn't appear dark or menacing. There was a kind of peace and grace about them that I found interesting. I didn't make any decisions then but I knew something inside me- the way I viewed the world- had changed.
Years later, when my daughter was not yet a year old, I was at a book sale at the library near my house. I was very drawn to a Magical Almanac but felt such guilt at that interest. I found myself picking it up and then putting it down and walking away, only to return again. Finally I thought, "This is ridiculous!" and opened the book. I looked through the titles of the articles. There was nothing dark to be seen. No hexes or recipes for Neighbor's Cat Stew. It seemed to be mostly about self-transformation, personal growth, and honoring the seasons. I bought the book. I read the whole thing and found some of it strange and foreign and other parts really beautiful. It wasn't long before other books started to make their way into my life. I am a firm believer that if you need to learn something, that lesson will come forth in one way or another.
I work at a library and some books were being discarded. I couldn't let that happen so I took them home and most of them went to Salvation Army. In the pile was, what else, a beginners guide to "Wicca". It was "Wicca for the Solitary Practitioner" by Scott Cunningham. I read that book cover to cover three times. It was like coming home. The Goddess was such a strange concept to me yet at the same time, felt so right. Finally, deity had balance! There was such a profound peace and comfort in meeting the Goddess. That was my first "ritual", if you could call it that. I went outside with a little crystal point I had, held it up to the moon and introduced myself to Goddess. I explained that I had only just learned about her and apologized for having gone so long without knowing. (What a Catholic, assuming my ignorance would hurt Her feelings.) The response I got was an overwhelming feeling of joy. The kind of joy we feel as kids running outside to play, with a whole summer day ahead of us and only lunch to get in the way. In this case lunch was probably my own misgivings and trepidation borne of a lifetime of being taught there was only one "right" way. Lunch did not last long.

This was only the beginning of a love story about me finding love for myself and finding peace in my relationship with Deity. As I've been a practicing witch now for about eight years, I'm on much more solid ground than I have ever been. I know that it's okay to question. Most importantly, it's okay for me to question myself and my beliefs and ways of doing things. So if I'm willing to question myself, and certainly willing to question others, I need to make myself available to the questions of others. I want to start, in my own little way, to make it more acceptable to be a witch.  As a way to start discussion and sort my thoughts so that they can be shared, I offer this post and many more to come, exploring the ideas I have about my faith. I have to say (and will continue to say) that every witch does things differently. We have different ways of viewing God and different ways of celebrating. I am not an authority on the Craft or Wicca. I am just one little witch - trying.

Worn Thin

I feel like there is a lot I need to get out but I'm not sure what it all is. I am so utterly and totally exhausted from moving. And so very glad it's over! It's been the hardest job I've ever had to do. Being a single mom and trying to move a pack-ratted two bedroom into a cute little one bedroom is a task of magic for sure. The hardest part (I think) has been the emotional drain of too many opinions around me. I know that we all judge one another. It's automatic. Something is different from our own experience and therefore we think it's "wrong" or should be changed. The unfamiliar makes us uncomfortable. I know that I judge other people and I am trying to learn not to but like I said, it's automatic. We really have to work hard to let go that response. What's just as hard as not judging is being judged and not letting it get to you. In my heart of hearts, I know that what other people think of me is not important. If I start to really care what 'they' think, I'm sunk. It only pushes me further away from myself. I can't fit into the box that others think will be acceptable. I have to be very adamant about being who I am or I'll become just like everyone else. I need to be the strange, crazy, indefinable person I am in order to fulfill my life's purpose. We all have what we consider to be negative or less-desirable qualities or habits. I think (or I hope) we all are aware of the changes we need to make in order to feel healthy and whole. What people don't always realize is that their idea of healthy and whole and someone else's may look totally different. Of course if we're striving for something, we assume it is what anyone would want because we find it so desirable. It's like food, though. If several people go out to dinner together and they all order their favorite meal, each person gets something different. We all have somewhere we're going or someone we're striving to be. I have a very clear picture in my mind of the me I'm becoming. When I get too many friendly suggestions, that picture gets foggy or faded. I start to question the things I value and my methods. I second-guess myself and wonder about the validity of my choices verses what other people would do or think I should do. Meanwhile I'm straying further and further from the path I need to be on to get to the me I want to be. I read recently that often when people give advice, it's something they need to hear themselves. If something about my life bothers someone else, why? It is my life after all. They don't have to deal with it. They have their own life and hopefully they're living it the way they want to. So why give other people grief about their stuff? I feel like I'm wandering in mental circles here but maybe I'll eventually get somewhere with this. Because this is my process. Sometimes I have to let my brain chase its tail for a bit before things become clear. So if it bothers someone that I have so much 'stuff' or I own 'too many books', why? I'm not putting it in their space. It doesn't change the person I am. We do the things we do for a reason. Life is a process and we need different things at different times. There is no clear-cut formula that will work for anyone who tries it. We're all out here on our own doing the best we can with what we're given. We're all in progress. Another Ani DiFranco quote I have to share: * "I am a work in progress dressed in the fabric of a world unfolding offering me intricate patterns of questions rhythms that never come clean and strengths that you still haven't seen." * And what some people would consider a burden or a weakness, to others is a strength. Every obstacle is a teacher, every sticky situation is a classroom. When we spend our time and energy wondering or worrying at someone else and their life, we're not really living our own. I guess the final point is that I need be relentlessly myself. I need to stand up for myself when I don't have the energy to listen to opinions and tell people that. I need to be more sensitive to my own emotional state so that I can protect myself and not become overburdened with guilt or frustration or judgment that is coming from outside me. In the end, I know that I'm on the right track and that's all that counts. I need to make changes in my own time. I will not put myself through changes that other people think will be good for me. Only I know what I need and frankly, even that is guess-work. So if we don't have our own lives figured out, what right do we have to tell others how to live theirs? I guess none at all. I'm going to dig in my heels and live the way I need to and I'm going to think twice the next time I feel like giving someone advice.

The Little House

I am so profoundly tired and so immeasurably happy! I can't express how much I love my little house! Just the freedom of being able to sing- really sing- in my own home is priceless. I already feel such a distinct difference in my energy level. I'm just full of joy whenever I'm there. After living in an apartment for four years that never felt like home, this is a breath of fresh air. My neighbors are all very kind and it's a beautiful property. The house has so much personality. I'm really enjoying unpacking and slowly starting to decorate. The effect of being in a place that I love is going to be huge. It's hard to heal when you're in a place where you wish you weren't. I feel really able to relax here. That's a big difference from when I walked into that apartment and all I wanted to do was sleep. I feel so blessed. This is what home really means.

How we hold ourselves back

I'm a huge fan of Ani DiFranco and some lines from one of her songs keep circling in my head so I thought I'd put them down here and explore. The song is "Joyful Girl". * "Everything I do is judged and they mostly get it wrong, but oh well the bathroom mirror has not budged and the woman who lives there can tell the truth from the stuff they say and she looks me in the eye says, "would you prefer the easy way? no? well okay, then don't cry." * First of all I have to say that Ani DiFranco is a super genus. Not simply for these great lyrics but for her whole mind-blowingly prolific career. Goddess bless her!! I love these lines because I feel so mis-understood so often. I don't have the energy or time to explain to the people around me why I think or act the way I do but I don't think we should have to. I had a conversation recently about how shocking it can be when people are blatantly rude or cruel. It really throws me- like I have no idea where these people are coming from that they would treat another person so unkindly. I think that's cultural, to some extent. That doesn't excuse it, but we have been raised and taught to do for ourselves. It takes a lot to un-learn that type of programming. So I really don't excuse that but it underscores the fact that we really can't understand where other people are coming from. They have had life experiences that we haven't and the collection of those experiences is what has brought them to this moment- in whatever state they may be. Aside from cruelty and downright bad behavior, I love how strange we can seem to one another just in how we do ordinary things. I saw someone parallel parking yesterday and there were no cars in the spots behind where he was parking but rather than just drive straight into the spot (which is what I would've done because I fear parallel parking) he drove past the spot and proceeded to back in, making it much more difficult than it needed to be. I drove by, thinking, "that's amazing!". Then I wondered why. Maybe this person is so used to parallel parking that it wasn't more difficult to do it this way. Maybe this person was practicing in a space without a car behind it to get more confidence. (Maybe I should try that.) Whatever the reason, it was one of those moments where I realized that we truly do not understand one another as individuals. (and that I am fascinated by people because who thinks of these things?) There is some freedom in that. If we could just be amazed at the different ways people do things, rather than railing that they 'should have' done it this way, who knows what we would learn? On the flip side of that, if we all did what we felt was right for ourselves (as long as it didn't harm ourselves or others) without even a hint of a thought to how other people would perceive our actions... Wow! What a world! If a business man suddenly started skipping down the sidewalk, because he felt like it, and nobody stared, or if they did, it just made them smile rather than thinking he'd gone mad. If we felt less uncomfortable with eye contact. If we could smile at strangers and say hello, instead of staring at the ground. If we could sing in public, because we want to and it feels good. If the word 'normal' was relegated to science labs because there is no such thing when it comes to living beings. If we didn't feel self-conscious after laughing too loudly because laughs should be loud and full. If we re-membered the freedom we felt as children. If we became more inquisitive and patient. If we let the world take on the mystery that is innate in everything, forgetting that we think we have it all figured out. If we were spontaneous and followed our instincts. If we danced down the street to the music coming out of stores, or to no music at all. If we appreciated the little moments and our own uniqueness. If being different didn't ever make anyone feel alone. If we could comfort strangers because we can see they need it. If we learned to use our talents to help all the rest. If freedom was not an idea or something for vacations, but the truth that we lived and breathed every day. If we knew that we were not going to be judged, how brave would we become?

Priorities

Priorities are things we are always re-evaluating. I have been living in an apartment that I don't like for a long time and it just recently became a priority to get out of it. I'm moving to a place that I really love and into a town that will offer me and my daughter many opportunities for learning and fun. The house we're moving into is tiny but beautiful. The problem is I just learned that the schools there are not great. The school my daughter is currently attending is rated A by the state, the ones where we are moving are rated C. It's a difficult thing to think about. My sister thinks I should not move but she doesn't understand that I'm not in the decision-making stage any more. I'm moving. So I have to rely on the facts that my daughter is a very bright kid and I work with her a lot. She gets a lot of instruction outside of school, I just may have to step that up a bit. I'm going to talk to the schools and see if they have any advanced programs that might be more appropriate for her. She's in the 4th grade now. I think if I do my best with her here and plan to get her into a better school or district before high-school (preferably before middle-school) she will be fine. I'm getting guilt from my sister but I have to let that go. I know with all my heart that this is the right place for our family. We will grow and heal here. We will learn and discover, cook and paint, sing and dance, and really enjoy life. School is not the end-all and be-all of what shapes our lives. I know that in a better school, children have more opportunities. I also know that my daughter's life has a richness that many are lacking. I'm teaching her about living life fully, being compassionate and caring, the importance of caring for herself, the importance of creativity and spirituality. I realize I'm writing this for the express purpose of not letting someone else's fears drag me down and make me question myself. It's the time in my life to be sure of what I'm doing. It's funny to think how many decisions have been made by not deciding. A witch's word is her will. My friends and I have been working with that one a lot and it helps. If I'm going to be a productive and powerful person, that can only be built on a foundation of integrity. That means that I'm sure about what I do and why. If I say something will be done, it will. I keep the whole picture in view as much as possible to consider how my actions affect others. This is going to be a good move for us. There are always sacrifices but I truly believe that all in all this will be a very positive experience and a wonderful place to live. Rather than second guessing or dwelling in anxiety, I'm choosing to dwell in gratitude. I'm grateful to my wonderful friend who helped me find this place. I'm grateful to the wonderful landlord who takes such great care of the property. I'm grateful to Goddess and God who I know were helping me to find the right place. I'm grateful to myself for making the right decision and sticking to it!

Moving

I HATE MOVING! It's about the most pain-in-the-ass task a person can embark upon. I'm finding myself totally overwhelmed by the job. I think it's the first time in a very long time that I wish I had an other. It hit me over the weekend that I have to do this on my own. I will have friends to help me carry stuff but I have to make the decisions about when to move what and what should go where and how and on and on... Whew! It's rough stuff! I knowI can do it. And I know that in about three weeks this will all be over and I'll be sitting in my new home relaxing. (Well, technically I'll be at work anxious to go to my new home and relax.) It's just the mean time. I can't see how I'll do all this. As I start to get some stuff out of the place it will seem more managable. I'm glad I have the luxury of being able to move over a week and a half instead of trying to fit it all in one or two days. I just long for the day when I can sit in my home and all of my stuff is out of the apartment and has been given away or stored. I can't wait for that sigh...

I'm Moving!

I found a home! And I stress the word HOME! I've lived in an apartment for 5 years that is unhealthy for many reasons and owned by a big corporation who basically refuses to fix anything. With the help of a friend, I found a tiny house to rent. It will be a big sacrifice as far as space is concerned but what we will gain is immeasurable! It has a HUGE yard that goes right down to a river. It's in a part of town that is very walkable and fun. The minute I walked in it was as if the house hugged me. We will be in a house! With no people on our walls or ceiling! We can plant things! I'm so excited! I've been pack-ratting in a two bedroom apartment for years. Now we're moving into The Little House (I named it) and suddenly I'm finding it so simple to give things away. I really believe it's my life path issue at this time to learn how to live with only what is necessary. I feel life will be more simple. I'll be more organized and together. It's such a peaceful place! I'm going to foster that peacefulness and make it the everyday state of life. I feel so strongly that all the things I've struggled with will become easier. I will take time to meditate and slow down in that way. All the things that I've been working at in fits and starts will have room. I think that's the big thing, I won't be so stressed out by having so many things around me. I'll be in an environment that will foster healing. My plan is to really work on healing me- re-learning how to meditate, praying and playing, getting fit and eating healthy. I know we can't move into a new home and expect to suddenly be different people but these are things I've been working at for years and I can't seem to make them stick. I am so sensitive to my environment and the apartment we've been living in tells me to take a nap, give up and roll over. The house will tell me, "It's ok, you can do it! This is the life you've been working toward!". And she will be right!

A Poem

I haven't written in a while and I miss it. I've been stupidly busy and have a lot going on but nothing I really want to write about. I decided to share a poem I wrote last fall. *

Curves and Lines

     My body is the Goddess's

     not a single curve out of place

     cause I can see my form in nature

     all the beautiful, round shapes to trace

But cities are made by men

you can see it in their design

cold and hard, constructed

all straight lines and street signs

     We do our best to invade them

     with bushes, trees and vines

     but they always feel constricted

     to a pretty little box in time

Meanwhile outside the cities borders

the ongoing ugly rat-race

is mowing down curves and forests

marching on leaving nary a trace

     Still, no matter how many lines they draw

     with their rulers to tell them how big

     when it's time to lay the foundation

     look where they have to dig

Into the sacred skin of our Mother

on the altar of our birth

source of all the life we know

the ever-spinning, round, round Earth

*

Hope you all like it!

Happy Holidays

I just want to wish everyone the best for the holidays and the New Year. I've found my Christmas Spirit, I think she lives in the kitchen. I'll spend tomorrow baking bread for my family and listening to Christmas music, laughing with my daughter. It's the children who remind us of the magic. Her excitement is contagious and no matter how down life tries to get me, her sweet smile and bubbly anticipation is more than balm enough. I've also been given a LOT of help this year from friends and family. I find it so difficult to express my gratitude to these people. I can't say 'thank you' enough. I've shed many tears in private, overcome by how generous and supportive the people in my life are. I am truly blessed. I think we really learn about the blessings in our lives at hard times. When things are easy, we don't need anything. We don't need help or support because things are going well. We're tooling along with no training wheels, no hands, full of smiles and laughter. When there's a bump in the road, we find out who, if anyone, will be there to help us steady ourselves. The past month or two, I've had friends and family holding my seat and handle bars, not letting me fall. How amazing is that? No wonder I have such a hard time expressing my gratitude- it's so big! Like love that can well up and make us feel as though we may burst, this gratitude fills me and goes beyond my borders. I'm going to carry that through the new year, into times that are less difficult than now, and remember to always be grateful for what I have because once I get my balance back, I still know that if I wobble, there are many people waiting in the wings to help steady me.

Great Fun!

Yesterday I visited my daughter's class to talk about the Winter Solstice. She's in the fourth grade and her teacher sent home a note asking if any parents would like to come in and share something about our holiday traditions. I decided ours is something different and wanted to share. The kids were all so great. I started out by telling them I was a little nervous to talk in front of people, "but you're all nice, right?". And they were. I told them that to understand why we celebrate the Solstice we would have to talk about history. I explained that we were agricultural people and asked if they knew what that meant. One kid even had farmers in his family- so cool! I asked if any of them had seen the show "Little House on the Prairie" and some had. So I said to think about those times and for many years before that era. Before the industrial and technological revolutions, when we didn't have freezers and refrigerators and people had to dry their meat and find ways to make their food last through the winter. And everyone was dependent on the farmers and so we were very dependent on the sun and very aware of the seasons. So. What happens to the sun during the winter? They knew that it sets earlier. So I explained that it sets earlier and rises later until the Winter Solstice. That is the longest night of the year- the day with the least daylight. The next day, the sun rises a little earlier and sets a little later. So even though it feels like we still have so much winter left, we have a little sign that spring and summer are coming. They understood why it would have been so important. I also told them that to celebrate we have dinner with my best friend and we have a sort-of mini-Christmas, exchanging gifts but we also talk about the year. What we're thankful for, what we want to work on in the coming year. So then I got out my guitar! I can't believe I played in front of so many people. In certain situations kids can be really cool. They were all so excited because it's purple. So I told them I've only had it a few months and might make some mistakes. I played "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and "Frosty the Snowman" and they all sang along and covered up my mistakes. Then I played "We Three Kings" and several kids sang along. It was really nice. I felt great for having taught them something. After the fuss that was made over that Gap commercial, I was glad to explain the holiday to some people who didn't know what it is about. I wonder what their parents said when they got home and told them they learned about the Solstice? If they repeat what they learned there should be no reason for fussing. It's not as if I told them we call the quarters and cast a circle and pray to God and Goddess before opening our presents. I wish it wasn't such a big deal. I wish I could talk about those types of things openly in any company but the world isn't quite ready for that so I'll start in small ways. It's not important that people have the whole picture, only that they see it's nothing to be frightened of and maybe even see a little beauty in it.

It Returns

I think I may have found my Christmas Spirit! I've mentioned how much trouble I have when I'm focused on one thing. It's like I can't see around it. I've been focused on the hows and wheres of moving. And since money is short this year I haven't done much shopping and that usually gets me excited about the Christmas morning unveiling. I've finally gained some clarity about packing and I can see it getting done so that left me a little room in my brain for Christmas- and I'm a little excited. It's always a bustle and sometimes a drain. I always seem to expect myself to do too much. Like I think I can bake a loaf of cinnamon bread for everyone I know. When it takes about 4 hours to make 2 loaves. This year my preoccupation has stopped me from over-burdening myself. I'm going to make bread for my family and a few close friends. I'm looking forward to celebrating Yule twice (!). Once with my daughter and a close friend of ours and again with my little group. I get to go to my daughter's school and talk about Solstice to her class. And once I've lived through Christmas, I still have moving to look forward to! Ok, I don't look forward to moving because I hate it. I think we all can agree that it's one of the most stressful and physically exhausting tasks on the planet. I do, however, look forward to being in a new place. I love setting up a new home. And I'll be moving to a new area so I will have a whole new city to explore! I love learning places. It's such an adventure! I have a pretty good sense of direction so I always dig finding new ways to get from point A to point B. Learning a whole new city will be a great challenge. There will be new businesses, new restaurants, new people. And I'm so glad to be leaving the apartment I'm in. It has so many issues I don't even want to get into it. Just thinking about it gets my fruit dirty. So I'll stop. I have great things on the horizon. I love the fact that even when money is tight- or feels like it is- I can still see that I have such great abundance and so many things to be thankful for. I am truly blessed and I feel as though I just keep being given more and more. I hope that in this season of family and friends, of giving and charity, of love and light, that we all can take stock and be thankful for the wonderful things we have in our lives all year round.

Where is it?

I find it almost impossible to believe that Christmas is in 10 days. I have always been the girl with the irrepressible Christmas spirit. It hasn't arrived yet. No shopping. No bread-baking even. I'm just not that into it. Ug! Maybe it's because I'm focused on moving soon? Maybe I'll be more connected to Yule this year with it's quiet, gentle affair whose purpose certainly rivals Christmas' hooplah. I feel a little left-out but honestly, I haven't seen many examples of the Christmas spirit outside generosity shown to me in my own life. There is no abundant joy in passers-by. Everyone is elbowing and grumbling like always. I see the lights but they're not sparking that same kind of awe and revelry that I usually associate with this time of year. In a way, I'm leaning on my daughter's excitement. You can always count on a kid to find the joy and remember why we're supposed to be excited. She's so sweet. We have our little Christmas at home, then go to her Grandma's (dad's mom) and then to my mom's house. She tells me how much she loves our little Christmas mornings at home, watching the parade and eating cinnamon bread. "Even if there aren't any presents", she tells me. What a gem! So I'm switching the radio to the Christmas station and forcing myself to start baking for her. Sometimes when we do the things we associate with a particular feeling, we can bring that feeling on. I hope that works for me now because if I remember correctly, I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!

Enough about the monkeys

Ok. I promise, well I think, this will be the last blog about the monkeys but I'm just having so much fun with it. I was thinking about fruit. It's what we put out into the world, right? Like the 'fruits of our labors'. So that is a great reminder that what we think and the mood we are in ARE our fruit. Our thoughts are really going out into the world and affecting things - including ourselves. So if we think of thoughts in terms of fruit, it benefits all of us to keep our fruit clean. It's most difficult when we encounter a person who is clearly eating fruit that's not only covered in mud but possibly rotten as well. They've been carrying that same dirty fruit with them for a long time. They're used to the people around them eating dirty fruit, too, since we tend to see ourselves reflected in our surroundings. We have to do our best to not let their dirt get on our fruit. The best thing we can do is to offer them some clean, fresh fruit. Maybe it's a kind word or a different perspective. Maybe just a compliment or a door held open for someone's heavy arms. It's a heavy task to try to change the world, even if we all see the need for change. If we all start at home, in little ways, change will grow in it's own time.

More about the monkeys

I realize that sweet potatoes are not fruit but I still refer to the story as "fruit-washing monkeys". So I've been using the metaphor in my daily life and I love it. When someone is rude or cruel, I think to myself, "ooo, they're eating dirty fruit" and it helps me to not feed into their negativity. It's a funny thing to say so it takes the edge off of the yuckiness. Then when I'm being negative, whether it's thinking yucky thoughts or being judgemental, I think, "Ooo, I just ate dirty fruit". It works in the same way. So I had a hard day at work Wednesday because I was tired and not in the mood to be there. I just focused on 'keeping my fruit clean' all day and it really helped. I realize it sounds crazy but that's why it works for me. Try it out and see if it works for you. Or if you have a similar statement that you use, please let me know. We all need a full tool-box of ways to stay positive and this is my new shiny tool. I hope it helps you all too.

Thank you

I just want to thank everyone who reads my blog. I do read comments and write back. It means a lot to me that people are interested in the same things I am and that they take the time to comment about the things I write. I'm gaining more confidence in my writing this way and getting feedback is such a blessing. I really feel the need, lately, to connect to as many people as I can and spread a loving message. I love reading things that make me think and I hope to offer springboards for others to take off and have ponderings of their own. I am so blessed in my life right now. I'm a little overwhelmed by how many things are opening up for me right now. I have a new-ish little group of beautiful witches who I meet with weekly and the joy these times bring me is immeasurable. I've found a closer, easier communication with one of my spirit guides through a reading from a friend. I've found a new place to practice massage that spurned a beautiful business idea that will be very successful if I stay true to my vision. In that same place, I found a new group of friends who are generously and supportivley shining a light for me to come further down my path. I met a beautiful practitioner of my faith who I can keep in contact with through writing and I feel an absolute abundance of opportunity for learning and sharing in that relationship. And even before all of this came into my life, I was blessed with a beautiful daughter who is my greatest teacher, and some very special friends whose help has been greater than I will ever be able to thank them for. I have some serious money issues right now (bills, holidays coming, low-paying job) and for once, I have absolutely no fear or worry about it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything is just fine. There is way too much good right now for me to even think of falling into the worry trap. I will pay what I can when I can and life, as always, will work itself out. This weekend was a real wake up call about the value of money and in the grand scheme of things, it's worth-less. We all need to support ourselves and our families and I will always manage to do that. But money is worth so much less than friendship and love and growth. Money is energy and I have a lot of good to put out into the world. I trust with all of myself that the Universe will take care of me and mine in turn.

Remember to wash your fruit!

I found this on-line and copy/pasted it here to share the idea. It's been called myth by some or even 'Urban Legend'. Well, remote monkey-covered Japanese islands aren't exactly urban, but I understand. Whether or not all the facts are accurate, I love the story and I've been thinking of it a lot in relation to people. Check it out: "The Hundredth Monkey by Ken Keyes, jr. The Japanese monkey, Macaca fuscata, had been observed in the wild for a period of over 30 years. In 1952, on the island of Koshima, scientists were providing monkeys with sweet potatoes dropped in the sand. The monkeys liked the taste of the raw sweet potatoes, but they found the dirt unpleasant. An 18-month-old female named Imo found she could solve the problem by washing the potatoes in a nearby stream. She taught this trick to her mother. Her playmates also learned this new way and they taught their mothers too. This cultural innovation was gradually picked up by various monkeys before the eyes of the scientists. Between 1952 and 1958 all the young monkeys learned to wash the sandy sweet potatoes to make them more palatable. Only the adults who imitated their children learned this social improvement. Other adults kept eating the dirty sweet potatoes. Then something startling took place. In the autumn of 1958, a certain number of Koshima monkeys were washing sweet potatoes -- the exact number is not known. Let us suppose that when the sun rose one morning there were 99 monkeys on Koshima Island who had learned to wash their sweet potatoes. Let's further suppose that later that morning, the hundredth monkey learned to wash potatoes. THEN IT HAPPENED! By that evening almost everyone in the tribe was washing sweet potatoes before eating them. The added energy of this hundredth monkey somehow created an ideological breakthrough! But notice. A most surprising thing observed by these scientists was that the habit of washing sweet potatoes then jumped over the sea -- Colonies of monkeys on other islands and the mainland troop of monkeys at Takasakiyama began washing their sweet potatoes. Thus, when a certain critical number achieves an awareness, this new awareness may be communicated from mind to mind. Although the exact number may vary, this Hundredth Monkey Phenomenon means that when only a limited number of people know of a new way, it may remain the conscious property of these people. But there is a point at which if only one more person tunes-in to a new awareness, a field is strengthened so that this awareness is picked up by almost everyone! (from the book "The Hundredth Monkey" by Ken Keyes, jr. The book is not copyrighted and the material may be reproduced in whole or in part. You can look at the whole book also.)" This idea really gives me a lot of hope. Since the 60's our culture (and even more so our counter-culture) have been moving toward some type of enlightenment. It's not something that comes strictly from one source. Yoga, meditation, energy healing, shamanism, holistic living... All of these ideas and many more are converging to teach us a better way. So many of us are moving away from the fear and towards the love. I'm so glad to be here to see it. I love the idea that if a certain percentage of us open up to this and realize the power of love, the rest of humanity will find it impossible to turn away. Like everyone will suddenly gain a realization that love is the most important thing and it's not just a feeling but a way of living. It shows up in the things we do and how we treat ourselves and others. I was talking to a woman over the weekend about how difficult it can be to stop judging others, even when we consider ourselves to be loving people. We're so conditioned to it that it's automatic. And it's even more difficult when the others are judging us harshly. In the interest of helping myself unlearn this judgemental reflex, I've decided to bring a little humor to it. When I encounter these negative people, I'm going to quietly remind myself that they are eating dirty fruit. I guess I would be grumpy too if my sweet potatoes were covered in sand.

Holistic Festival

I went to the Holistic Festival at Gibralter Trade Center this weekend to practice massage. I've never done anything like that so I had a lot of anxiety in the week or so leading up to the event. All of the 'what should I bring?' and 'how do I do this?' kinds of questions. I knew that once I set up Friday morning I would relax because after that it's just one person at a time. I was hoping to make some money and I didn't manage to break even. I covered my space and probably gas and food but I had to get a hotel and didn't cover that. The experience was worth so much more than money, though. The people I met there were so kind and supportive, so generous with their advice. There were several other witches there as vendors so I immediately felt at home. There was some great merchandise- books, stones, statuary, oils, great organic nut butters... There were some great readers too. Just a wonderful little bunch of people. The first person I met as I came in was a girl who works at Gibrlater and helps the vendors find their places. She was so sweet and told me she loves to work that show because all the vendors are so nice. She was right. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude I'm not even sure what else to say. I got an amazing reading from a medium (Gary Gurgold) that really opened some possibilities for me. I'm finding it very hard to articulate the joy of this experience. I was set up near- literally surrounded by- people who offered me so much support and encouragement. When I got home last night I took all the cards I had collected out of my purse and I looked at them and there were six people who I met that really stood out. Each of them, aside from sharing amazing and interesting conversations, said one or more things to me that meant more than I have the ability to thank them for. It was so great to be out and around like-minded people for three days in a row. I loved getting to know them and feeling friendships starting to form. The woman who was set up next to me was practicing Reiki and using crystals for her clients and watching her work was so beautiful- like seeing a glimpse of the type of things I may be doing in the future. I'm so grateful to her for her abundant kindness and the time she took to give me such thoughtful advice. I'm working out ways to continue going to this show without losing money. If I could go and break even every time, that would be great. I wish I could say more but I'm a bit tired and trying to slide back into my day-to-day while holding on to all the great energy we all shared over the weekend. To all who were there, I owe you my unending gratitude!!

Which Moment am I Living In?

I've been thinking of my ability (or lack thereof) to manage my time. Alanis Morissette said once in and interview that she sees time management as being synonymous with energy management. That makes so much sense to me. I've learned that I'm not great at multi-tasking when it comes to upcoming events or plans. Whenever there is a big holiday or I'm planning my daughter's birthday party or planning to take part in a big massage event, I find it all but impossible to see beyond that event. There is a voice inside that keeps telling me, "You just have to make it through this ________ and then you can make other plans." I'm working at an event this weekend and I've found that I can't seem to start planning for Christmas because a part of me- or most of me- is totally tunnel-vision-locked on doing well and making sure I have everything I need. In one way this is good, I'm giving attention to planning. However, how much of me has been living in this weekend since I signed up for the event? And if so much of my conscious thought is going to something that hasn't happened yet, how much of me is here now?

Kudos to the Gap

Have you seen the new holiday Gap commercial? I am so happy about it! They recognize Christmas, Hanuka (spelling?), Kwanza and Solstice!! I'm so impressed that a mainstream store finally decided to advertise to pagans- in a way. There is a group who is upset, insisting that this commercial is "anti-religious" but give me a break. First of all, all four major holidays are mentioned. I read a comment on the convocation conversation that pointed out that if it were anti-religions, wouldn't they have just said 'Happy Holidays"? Not to mention the fact that Solstice is also a secular holiday, if you can't accept it as a witchy day. It's the longest night of the year and the beginning of the lengthening of daylight. That was something to celebrate even when I considered myself Christian. So what's up with all the hate? It's supposed to be the most loving time of year. We're constantly inundated with Christmas blah blah. It's hard to even see the religious meaning of Christmas through all the lights, tinsel, and blaring music. So what are people afraid of? It comes back to Fear vs. Love in my mind. There is such a tendency for people to start screaming about things being unfair or unbalanced. It's really sad. I've never heard a single witch complain about the propensity of Christmas ads and the complete lack of anything that mentions Solstice or Yule. It's been out of balance for so long!! I'm glad to see balance brought to advertising. I've never been into the Gap but I will be buying some gifts there this year! If you're on the side of Love and acceptance, I hope you do too!!

Fear vs. Love

So I watched the Zeitgeist movie over the weekend. I'd been putting it off till I felt strong enough to handle it and I'm glad I did. I don't want to go into what the movie is about here other than to say that I wish everyone would watch it. It's terrifying but meant to be a wake-up call. I haven't been able to really focus on all the info because the whole thing is looming in my mind in a kind of crazy barrage of imagery and revelations. What I keep coming back to, in an effort to avoid letting this thing drag me through the emotional mud, is the ending. It wasn't an apocalyptic message, but not a positive one either. The final point was that we, as humans, have a choice right now between FEAR and LOVE. We can keep our heads down, mindlessly meandering through our lives being bumped around like pin balls, or we can wake up, look around, and find reason to love all we see. The idea that fear and love are the main opposing forces in the world is starting to make more and more sense to me. Fear is what causes anger. We fear that which we don't understand. We fear that which will cause us to lose power, or what we perceive to be power. We fear anything that is different from whatever we consider to be 'the norm'. Organized religion (I'm not trying to be offensive, it's in the movie) perpetuates fear by instilling in its followers a feeling that theirs is the only way and all others are following the wrong path, or worse. In society in general, we define differences by borders, skin colors, genders, sexual orientation, age, beliefs, levels of education, income, perceived limitations, parenthood, political tendencies, physical appearance, creative expression... just about any way we can think of to make others seem not-like-us. And the sad thing about that is we do it in order to somehow make ourselves feel superior. "I make more money than this person", or "Well, my son gets much better grades than hers". These are the types of things that we let define us. There seems to be very little interest in learning what we are really all about. I know I'm being a hypocrite again. After all, that seems to be what this blog is about. But at this point in my life, I desperately want to let go of all the fear. I want to do all I can to love everything I see every day. Even what's staring back at me in my mirror. As I believe the mirror is where it has to start for each of us, maybe I should make a point to love myself every day just for the fact that I so sincerely want to be a force of love on this planet. I'm so sure that's my path here. I haven't learned how to put it into practice but for all I know, I'm already doing it. I hope so because as much as I try to relax and trust life and time, there is a part of me that wants to just start running from person to person, telling them that I love them and somehow giving them the ability to love themselves. So what can I say? If you're reading this, I LOVE YOU!! I don't care if I've never met you. You're on this planet with me and you hope and grow and hurt just like I do. It is my deepest wish that each and every person find some calm inside themselves. A place where the frantic mind that we all live with gives reprieve. If you can find just a second of that calm, you will see a glimpse of your own perfection. Don't let your ego talk you out of it or shadow what you see. We all come from a core of perfection. Carry that with you always and do your best to honor it with your actions. I will do the same, and even give up this fear that I won't be able to proclaim the message of love, because I just did.

Practice

practice: 1. to do or perform habitually or customarily; make a habit of 2. to do or perform (something) repeatedly in order to acquire or polish a skill. I was thinking of this word today and it created some interesting questions for me. First of all I was thinking of all the things that we practice in this world. A doctor doesn't 'do' medicine, she practices it. Lawyers practice law. I'm a massage therapist and I don't 'do' massage, I practice it. I'm also a witch and we don't 'do' magic, we practice it. This is one of the things that drew me to this path, that we are always learning what works best for ourselves, not dependent on what others have done, simply using their experiences as guideposts for our own exploration. One of the most common things we think of as a practice is yoga. Hatha yoga is a practice of physical poses but the practice of yoga goes much further than that. Yoga is a life-long practice of integrating our mind, body, and spirit and can be applied to anything we do with meaning in our lives. Meditation is an important practice, whether it's a part of our yoga or not. There is so much beauty in the things we practice and the very idea that we are practicing gives us the feeling of not needing to be perfect. So I wondered, what if we take this practice a step further? What if we agreed that we're all always practicing everything? If we knew that we are all practicing friendship, for example, would we be more forgiving, less judgmental? If we agreed that we are practicing love, would we be more patient with our partners and remember that our relationships take effort and that they deserve work? If we realize that we're practicing parenthood, would it help us to strive to become better at it? I think that's the thing that struck me today about that word and gave me so much comfort. If we're practicing, we don't have to have it all figured out. If we're practicing, we know that there is room to get better, room to grow into what we're doing. So when we're letting our inner critic run her mouth, lets take a moment and remind her that we're here to practice, for goodness sake, and we'll do better next time. Sorry for using the word 'practice' so many times but I'm just a writer practicing.

Just Be Nice

There's this anonymous quote that I absolutely love. It says, "Be kinder than necessary because everyone is fighting some kind of battle." I think it's so true in our world today. And if anything could be even more true it's the fact that we are not usually as kind as necessary. Again I find myself to be the unstoppable hypocrite. We tend to view the behavior of others through the lens of our own experience, assuming reasons for their actions or behaviors. What we so often forget (I forget) is that others are likely going through life experiences that we could never understand or will never have to deal with. And why, for that matter, do we need to qualify the actions of others at all? It's like we need this information so that we can put people in the right box. Or we think we need to know, to have everyone figured out. Is this a case of looking outside to find answers because we can never really seem to figure ourselves out? More often I think it may be a way of explaining away something that has made us uncomfortable or we've taken something personally when almost nothing is. I'm looking for the bottom line here and I think it's this: "Be kinder than necessary because everyone is fighting some kind of battle.", and "mind your own fucking business." Ok, that last one was just to me. And let's go one step further and see the beauty and love in others. If someone is short with you, it's not about you. We can't possibly know what that person is working through in their lives right now. So rather than taking everything personally, the next time you feel slighted or you simply can't understand or "figure-out" why a person is acting the way they are, stop. You don't have to know. It's not about you. Offer up a little prayer of support for that person and move on with compassion and a little grace.

Unrequited Closure

So I don't think it's all that uncommon for people to have feelings surrounding a relationship long after we have stopped seeing that person. What I'm wondering about are the best ways to let go those things that may be holding us back. In my situation, I'm thinking of a person I have known half my life. We never really escalated our encounters to a full-fledged romantic relationship but it would have seemed so from the outside. Nothing was lacking except the commitment. My feelings for this person were magnified to a degree that still gives me shivers. He had equally deep feelings but for him, these feelings hovered comfortably in the friend zone while I was shamelessly desperate for more. We tried so valiantly to say everything at the end, not really sure it was the end as there had been so many ends for us before that one. It takes a goodly amount of time, I think, to start to see something like this with even a shred of objectivity. For me to see that when he said, so emphatically, "Don't settle!", he may have been talking about himself. It took me years to see how much I was willing to give up for him. Even now, when I haven't heard his voice in three years, I'm overcome with emotion at the thought of actually seeing him in person. How is it that this person affected me, or still affects me, so deeply, when it wasn't meant to be. Well, I think I've made peace with that part of it for now. I need to believe that he was put in my life for me to learn about love. I learned from him the depth and breadth of the love I have to give. I learned what it feels like to be treated lovingly, respectfully. I learned what it feels like to make love and be so in-tune with your partner that all else melts away, and then suddenly returns but as a part of you. I learned about comfortable silence. I learned about unquestioning, unwavering support. I learned about being in love with someone who is a friend first. I even learned a bit about the beauty in myself. These are all great things to know, so what brings me to the keyboard today to whine to anyone who will listen? Fear. I know that I can love someone with all I have. Having been mostly single for five years, I think I can even do that without giving up who I am- now that's progress!! But I also know the danger. So I find myself, as I so often do, struggling with balance. Fighting between two, or more, instincts. The deepest instinct tells me that all is well. The world is an intrinsically kind place, in spite of all we see. The man who I'm imagining will come into my life and we will have BIG love. He will love me back in every way and all will be happy and well. Sounds great. But then there's the fear. (Oh Rozencrantz, I am afflicted!) Will I be able to give of myself in that way again? Will I be able to trust another? More importantly, will I be able to trust myself? After having spent so long believing that someone was my one, only to learn that I was very wrong, how can I trust my heart? And Goddess help us if I start letting my mind make relationship decisions! So if I know that seeing or even talking to that past lover is a mistake, I know that initiating contact is detrimental, where do I go for closure? Any contact between us would try so hard to be friendship and would come out twisted with want and sodden with fantasy. And that's if we managed to keep it out of the bedroom, which we never did in the past. So to the question of my moment- Is it functional to imagine closure? I know I could write a letter and burn it, releasing all the uckh into the Universe, but I crave a dialogue. Is it totally crazy for me to re-invent a last conversation? One in which we both really say everything. One from which we walk away feeling content, feeling heard and understood. One that gives me the courage to go forth and the strength to love again.

Why blogging is weird

I started this blog to share my writing with people- anyone who would share their opinion or rant with or against me. The problem I have so far is that I haven't found a way to share with people without specifically inviting them. I also haven't found a way to search through other blogs and read what other people are writing about. I think this is operator error. I will do my best to figure it out. It's weird too because I'm not holding a pen. When writing in my journal, or on any available scrap of paper, there is a sense of privacy that is lacking here. I know that I can re-work and edit to my heart's content. I think that's why I like this format. It's so immediate. It lacks the organic feeling of putting pen to paper but it affords a kind of frankness that I tend to curb when I share my writing. If nothing else, blogging has quickly become a great outlet for those in-the-moment ramblings when I'm near a computer and an interesting new format and tool.

My Out-of Control Mouth

I was paying my rent yesterday, (yep, on the 3rd), and while I was in the office there was another woman there who had apparently not paid something. She was being 'talked-to' by one of the women who works for the soul-sucking company from whom I rent an apartment. The other renter was a middle-eastern or Indian woman. In truth, I really didn't look. I was just so shocked by the condescending tones used by the Office Worker. She was talking to the woman like she was a slow 2-year-old. Actually, I would speak to any two-year-old with more respect. It was really grating on my nerves because this was the company who, years ago, when I was dangerously close to getting evicted for late payment due to medical issues, literally laughed at me when I tried to work out a way that I could pay part of my rent- the part that I had- to try to keep myself and my six-year-old in a home. When I explained my situation and asked their accountant (which is who they said I should talk to) what could be done, he literally laughed in my face and told me I should start looking for somewhere else to live. Now, set aside the fact that if I couldn't come up with my rent on time, there was certainly no way I could afford to move into a new place. And the fact that this weaselly little man knew that better than most, after all, he was in charge of taking all our money. What struck me so briskly and stung, well, honestly till this day, was his lack of humanity. This is a business, yes. I understand that businesses are out to make money. However, when you are dealing with someones HOME, I believe that business has the obligation to have a heart. Or at least to hire a few people who have hearts to help deal with otherwise up-to-date renters who have unforeseeable, unavoidable problems. If you are out to make money and you don't want to be considerate of people's needs, don't go into the business of providing homes. So, back to my bitchy little friend and the poor renter under attack. I can't say why I was so upset on this woman's behalf. I was feeling hormonal? It cut a little too close to home? I am just fed-up with the general state of unfairness that seems to be the state of things? I was too tired to keep it to myself? My fifth chakra is on a rampage? Whatever the reason, I just couldn't take my receipt and walk out of that office. When the woman realized that the Office Worker wasn't listening to her, she said, "Maybe we should go to court. See what the manager says." She said this in the same tone of voice she had been speaking in all along. She was simply tired of listening to someone who wasn't listening in return. Office Worker had made up her mind and there was no point in the renter wasting her breath. So then Office Worker raises her voice and tells the renter that she has raised her voice and is becoming argumentative, or some similar word. I was appalled. The woman DID NOT RAISE HER VOICE!!!! And quite frankly, I probably would have. So Office Worker is having a little fit/power trip and hallucinating that this woman is yelling at her, so she asks the woman to come to her office where they can talk. Great, where Office Worker has an even more inflated sense of power. So, I couldn't help myself. No, that's not right. I didn't have time to talk myself out of it, the words just came. As we were all walking into the hallway at the same time, I said, not quietly, "You know, she really didn't raise her voice and you were being terribly condescending." Office Worker started to respond and I just said, more loudly this time, "terribly condescending". I heard her thank me for my opinion as I rounded the corner so I muttered a welcome and heard her go on slating me for speaking up. I held the door for a woman coming into the building and it felt good to know that I wasn't puking my rage on others. I got in the car and started driving home, asking myself not why I spoke up, but why it upset me so. I'm still pretty sure it's the unfairness of it all, but for some reason I took it very personally. I cried all the way home. When I got home, I ate a piece of pumpkin bread and went to sleep for three hours. It's amazing how much a moment out of someone else's life can so affect our own.

Why a Witch Trying?

So, why am I a witch trying? Well, I'm not going into why I'm a witch here. That could take days to explain. For now let's just say that it's the right path for me. So. What is it that I'm trying? For a long time I was trying to figure out just what it is I'm supposed to be doing here in this life. How arrogant that I assumed I could figure that out with my mind. I don't think we're supposed to know why we're here. In a funny way, that is why we're here, to find peace in the not knowing. So letting go of specifics, I learned that I'm here to help. It's not up to me to decide the ways in which I can help. I just have to be open and willing. So I am. Open and willing to do my best in any situation Goddess puts before me. But what am I trying? I'm trying to figure out this place, this crazy country, this outrageous planet we're on. There are a lot of things that need to change so I'm trying to find ways in which I can help make those changes. It can be hard to imagine but I really do believe we can all be the change we wish to see in the world. It seems overwhelming at first. How could my changing my habits or attitudes really change the whole world? But think about it, what if one day we all woke up and decided that we want to do our best to make the world a more loving place. Do we have to end world hunger and war that day? No. We have to be kind to those around us. We have to help out where we're able. We have to speak up for those who are going unheard. We have to love ourselves first so that we can see the beauty in all others. We have to immerse ourselves in an impersonal love for all-that-is. When I say impersonal love, I mean that it's not a love that is dependant on the actions of others to evidence itself. It's love without attachments or expectations. We know we don't all like the things others do, but we don't like things our family members do either and it doesn't stop us from loving them. I really think this has to start with ourselves. It's a hard thing to love yourself in such a judgemental and image-conscious society. It takes a tremendous amount of courage and a bit of surrender to see ourselves as lovable, as good enough. Sadly, that's a task that doesn't usually come to us all at once. So I have a suggestion. When you're out in public this week, look at a total stranger and think, "I love you!", with absolute conviction. You can't help but be filled with this warm feeling that you, too, are loved. It starts the feeling of connectivity. I really and truly believe that "Love is all we need", "What the world needs now is love sweet love", and "Love can keep us together". We've forgotten how powerful a thing love is. In most religions, there is a statement somewhere that says: God is love. We seem to fumble around this planet ever seeking more stuff, more status, more recognition, more, more, more! As I am just another person out there seeking stuff, I have to ask, WHY? What is it that I think I'm going to find? How have we been fooled into believing that something outside ourselves can possibly fill us up or make us whole? Everything that spiritual teachings, yoga, meditation, etc. have been trying to teach us is true! There is no ultimate in acquisition. Peace is waiting within. It's what will cause us to all wake up and realize that the world and its course are up to us. We have the power to usher in an era of peace, of growth and balance. We're finally starting to remember how powerful our thoughts are. We're finally starting to see that intention has real, tangible effects on the world. Remember that when you're speaking. When you're angry, don't say, "I could just kill her!". Watch your fleeting thoughts and consider the meaning of them. Words have great power. They can hurt and they can heal. I'm asking for a raise in consciousness. Or maybe it's a raise in awareness, in attention. Lets start to slow down. That's got to be the first step. Rushing around is getting us nowhere fast. So this is what I'm learning and the trying is just me trying to apply these things to my life. I'm like everyone else, I can talk forever about what I should do and I know very well how to get and stay healthy. It's a whole other thing to actually do these things. I think we need to be there for one another, support one another's good habits and desire to change and grow in positive ways. Please share these thoughts and ideas. I need to know that I'm not the only one trying.

Intro in the 3rd Act

I realized that I kinda started this blog out of nowhere and as it seems to be a place I'm going to do a lot of ranting, I feel an introduction of sorts is in order. I rant a lot, but it doesn't come from a place of expecting others to change so that the world will be as I wish it to be. More, I'm sitting in my glass house and rather than throwing my bucket of stones, I'm searching for reflections. If I bitch about the actions of others it's likely that they piss me off because I see something in them that I want to change in myself. This isn't always true but often. Obviously if I bitch about war, it's not because I believe in or support war, but what wars are going on in my own life? What things do I war against and so waste my energy? Basically, I use writing as a way to think about the world, to pick it apart and see if I can figure out what's going on. In studying the world, I learn more about myself. I'm coming to feel an urgency to be of service to those around me. I have to investigate to see where and in what capacities I can be most helpful. I also, like we all do, have a lot of growing and healing to do myself. I don't think I should sit and wait to help while I devote all my time to healing and trying to perfect myself. I do know that I have to work hardest at my own healing so that I have more to give. I envision a world where we all work together for the good of all. Where we know we all are one, where compassion reins supreme. We all are the custodians of this planet and of our race. Soon we'll be able to see the beauty in all others and, perhaps most importantly, in ourselves.